People often go to church, thinking that's where they'll find God.  But often times God shows up where and when we least expect it.

At my weekly Moms Group we share "Selah moments" - taking the time to pause and reflect and see and share how God has shown up.  I was so excited to share last week about this . . .

At the end of our 3,441 mile road trip last week, we were literally pulling into the driveway at midnight on a Saturday night.  A long day after a long trip.  I wasn't ready to commit to getting up and around early the next day for church.  Until I remembered what was going on at a church in our neighboring town.

Baptism

There are lots of ways to define or describe baptism.  One way I would is to say it is an outward symbol of an inner change.

My dear friend's brother was being baptized, and I did not want to miss it.

After spending 10 years in a life celebrating sin, he had changed.  God showed up and changed him.  And I gotta say, I did not expect it.


I think of all the prayers prayed over all those years, and, to be honest, I did not expect this.  God showed up, and God surprised me.  I think God surprised a lot of people with this one.

So, I wanted to be there to celebrate.

And I wasn't the only one.

Catherine has been really curious about baptism lately.  When she heard there was going to be a baptism, she wanted to be there too.

It was a powerful service, and the Spirit was stirring in the hearts of the people there.  People made decisions to follow Jesus, and people made decisions to be baptized.  Those being baptized shared their stories.  Stories of redemption, stories of forgiveness, stories of victory, stories of grace.  Stories of Jesus and the power of His transforming salvation.

And Catherine got to hear all those stories.  We celebrated with happy hearts, applauding hands, and teary eyes.

Photo by Amber Wilkinson

And God continued to show up.

That evening at dinner, as she had been doing for a couple days, Catherine eagerly volunteered to pray before we ate.  She started with her usual mumbled and quiet expression of thanks for the food and a simple request for a good day.  Then her voice became loud and bold as she continued,

"Please, God, can I come in your heart?  Please Jesus, can you come into my heart?  Please can you be my Savior from sin?  Amen"

Lifting our heads, Josh and I looked at each other, stunned and wide-eyed, across the table.  That was unexpected for sure.  I mean, it's something we have often discussed together and prayed for.  But I didn't think it would happen already or like that or totally of her own doing.

Well, her doing and His doing.

You just never know when He's working.  In the hearts and lives of grown adults who may have written off God or may have been written off by the church.  Or in the hearts and lives of young, spunky, strong-willed children.

You just never know.

I can't even tell you the number of times I have opened my laptop, opened up a new tab (in addition to the about 144 already open) to this blog, and tried to write.

There are so many things that stop me.  Fill in the blank with a number of excuses...

• I don't have enough time.
• I don't have enough to say.
• I don't have enough inspiration.
• I have too much to say.
• I have nothing "important" to say.
• I don't have enough focus.  Oh, the distractions, all the distractions.

But I'm getting past the excuses right now and forcing myself to post today - even if it's not that good.

Sometimes "good enough" is ok.

Sometimes "good enough" is enough.

I know my last post got a lot of attention (it's now the most read post on my blog), and I think I feel some unwanted pressure now to make the next post IE this post something just as noteworthy and dramatic.  But that's just not how I'm feeling right now.

How am I feeling?

Well, I've been feeling "off" lately.

We just returned from another massive road trip (if you follow my Facebook or Instagram page, you already know these details, right?).  It was long.  And good.

9 states in 9 days.  Slept in 7 of those states.  3,441 miles later we returned home

And it's been so hard to adjust to being back.  Back to normal life.

But getting back into the routine of pre-school and my mama's group is helping.

Josh is in his super busy season where he's doing eleven and a half hour days.  I'm having to come up with lots of things to do to get through the days.  Fortunately, this season doesn't last much longer.

We were recipients of amazing hospitality from friends as we traveled in Iowa, Nebraska, and Montana.  I got to spend a lot of time reading too, which I have only recently started really enjoying.

The Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner
Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
And It Was Beautiful by Kara Tippetts

The trip itself was rather last-minute, and I realized in the midst of it just how unprepared we were, but I'm so glad we did it.  Gotta take advantage of the Spring Break perk Hubby gets as a teacher!

We saw some beautiful parts of our country (as well as some really boring parts, to be honest), and it was fun to see Catherine experience it.  She was 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 for our previous trips and didn't really remember them.  We all started off a little rocky, but I was impressed by how well she did.  Some times she was even content just to sit there - with no entertainment of books or toys or games!



Until the next adventure!

So, I did some rearranging in the "front room" and thought I'd share some photos here.  Ya know, in case any of you like seeing home details like I do.  Keep in mind, I have no fancy camera and do not claim to be an expert in any of this.  Just sharing a bit of the Old Yellow Farmhouse.

On the other side of our red front door is our front entryway:

Ta-da!

After spending about 3 or 4 months riding around in my mini van, these second hand chairs finally got to come inside.  The table is a great drop zone for mail, keys, whatever.  The tray helps keep it contained.  Under the table is a crock full of hats and scarves to choose from.  Kind of a necessity during winter.

Handy to have a seating by the front door for putting shoes on/off

Then behind the door here we hang coats and bags.

Confession:  I removed about a dozen sweatshirts and coats before this photo was taken.

Catherine's backpack goes here right by a basket on the piano where I put all her papers from pre-school.

I have learned the importance of having what I refer to as "homes" for every little thing in my home.  So, I created that home for papers early on in the school year.  I'm still determining homes for a lot of odds and ends, which can be really overwhelming as I tackle the clutter and attempt to get better organized.  But that is something I try to remember.  After all, if an item doesn't have a home, it can never be put away.  As a mother trying to teacher her child how to help clean up, I also have to teach her about these homes so that she knows how to put things away.

This shoe cubby is actually repurposed vintage chicken nesting boxes.  When I bought it second hand I didn't know what I was going to do with it, but I knew I had to have it.  (Sometimes I'm stubborn determined like that.)  It was Josh's idea to use it as a shoe cubby, and it totally works.  I love that we were able to come together on this piece taking something that I contribute for its beauty and using in a practical way thanks to hubby's contribution.  The basket is just an easy place for Catherine to put and retrieve her shoes, and it is way too easy to buy shoes (or anything really) for that girl!

Other things of note:  the curtains are from Lowes.  The rug I found at K-Mart after searching tons of stores unsuccessfully (I sometimes still can't believe that store exists).  I like having the letter H for our last name up throughout the house.  The sign above the door I can't remember where it came from, but it says, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord," and I just think that is a perfect place for it.  The table I think I got from my parents' basement when I set up my own place after moving back to the area.  The 8 gallon crock was from an estate sale.  The piano was a huge blessing gifted from a neighbor.

And that is our front entryway!  Any questions?  Do you have a foyer or are guests immediately in a room once they're in your door?  I always thought I wanted a foyer, but this works.  What's your preference?

I survived!

The other day, my husband went out of town for work. Normally when he's gone overnight, by default I just go stay at my parents' house. This time though I decided I should try to stay home and try to manage life (and Catherine) by myself.  Or sort of by myself.

Day One:  morning we went to a friend's house for a play-date.  Then my sis-in-law and her kiddos came over for the afternoon.  Catherine and I went out for dinner together in the evening.

Day Two:  my folks came over to keep us company.

Other than the random car that decided to pull in our driveway after 11:30 at night for a couple minutes that felt like hours, all was fine.  Oh, and then there was Catherine's 1 AM wake-up and crying with a cough and fever...

But we survived.

We (me, SIL, and Mom) spent our time working hard, totally rearranging and cleaning a couple rooms to surprise Josh.

We kind of have two living rooms here in the Old Yellow Farmhouse.  So, one we call The Living Room, and one we call The Front Room.  But sometimes I forget which is which because either one could be appropriately referred to as the front room.  I don't really remember my reasoning behind the terminology when we named them awhile after moving into this house back in 2012, but it's what we do.

So, we swapped some furniture between the two rooms and rearranged furniture in the living room and cleared all the clutter out (sadly, a lot of it got shoved into my office at the last minute), and now we have two nice, tidy, clean rooms.  And I can actually enjoy them.

Our Front Room (there used to be a coffee table here)

From the Front room looking into the Living Room

These chairs had been in the other room

This massive entertainment center had been on the wall now with the matching chairs.

I've been studying and pursuing de-cluttering because, frankly, I have too much clutter.

Honest moment:  I have hoarding tendencies.  I have not been in the habit or practice of purging or cleaning on a regular basis.  It's sort of my shameful secret.  But I want to change it.  I've realized the impact it has on my well being.  And I've realized the impact that our home has on our family.

My family is of greatest importance to me, and I am trying to have my life actually reflect what I say are my priorities.  So, since they are my people and the people who God has entrusted me to care for, I am trying to live that out by taking care of their environment.

Now, it's only two rooms, and I've got eight more (+ two huge storage closets) to work on too, so this is a gradual process.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with clutter and cleanliness in her home, so if you are also one with this shameful secret, maybe my coming clean will be of some encouragement to you.  Here are some of the eight remaining rooms.  Hopefully someday soon these will be their "Before" pictures.

The office/guest room

You don't have a play cash register on your kitchen table?

The laundry room; this room fills up fast with overflow!

You're welcome.  You are not alone.

You guys.  I STILL do not have a smart phone.

But now I have an Instagram.

It's so crazy that I just wrote that.

Seriously, for my first IG (how us cool 30-something year olds abbreviate Instagram) post, I arranged this great cup of coffee in my Magnolia Farms (Magnolia Market?  You know that whole Chip and JoJo Fixer Upper company) mug on my awesome second hand turquoise painted coffee table with our big picture window behind it and clicked on the button to take the pic, and it started taking video!

Ha!

I will never be tech cool.

(Ooh, try saying "tech cool" out loud a few times.  Fun.)

Hubs had the last 5 days off, and it was awesome.

Let's be real.  Sometimes I get so used to my routine Monday through Friday that when he's here I struggle.  But this long weekend was so great!  I felt like he was actually HOME the whole time.  Not distracted by work issues and work commitments.  And Catherine stayed a night with her grandparents, so we got to do whatever parents do when their child is away.  Yah know, binge watch episodes of Gilmore Girls.

But life is more than Gilmore Girls and Instagram.  Here's something a bit more meaningful:  my "job" now that my other job is over is basically my daughter.  I'm not always good at that job, but I keep plugging away because I believe it is of greatest importance.

Sunday morning while I was getting ready for church I mentioned to Catherine that I would not be in the "big church" with her and Daddy because I was going to be working in the nursery that day.

So she said, "Why are you working in the nursery?"
And since I was having a bad attitude about having to work in the nursery I sighed and said, "That's a good question, dear."

See, I am not gifted in nursery duty.  God bless those who are.  They are important and necessary people.  But I will never be one of them.  I am gifted in other areas and serve in other areas that are a much better fit.  When I'm in the nursery, it is not a good fit.  It is like a pair of too tight jeans.  You just can't be comfortable in them.  You're miserable when you sit.  You're not any better when you stand.  Your underwear starts riding up, and you can't wait to just get home and get them off!

Or is that just me?...

Well, after awhile God worked on my heart and He surprised me by having my fellow nursery worker that day be one of my newest fellow mama friends who I really rarely get to visit with.

So, later, with a softer heart and after coffee, I was able to have another convo with Catherine.

"Catherine, you remember how you asked mommy why I had to work in the nursery this morning?"

"Yah."

"Well, you know the two most important things we can do are to love God and to love others.  There are lots of ways to show love to others.  You showed love to your preschool classmates by making them Valentines cards the other day.  You and Daddy showed love to Mommy this morning by making me cards and letting me sleep in.  One way I can show love to others is by serving them.  I can serve them by working in the nursery and watching their babies so they can learn more about God by being in the big church without being distracted by having to take care of their children during that time."


It was like I couldn't wait to have that follow-up conversation once it clicked in my heart.  I'm so glad God gave me that opportunity to talk about love with my four-year-old.  I pray my heart is always open to other such teachable moments with her.  There are a lot of important values and lessons to be teaching my daughter, but since Jesus said the greatest thing we should do is to love God and love others, that's what I'm trying to focus on.  One real-life example at a time.

I had this horrible realization last night:

Valentine's Week had totally snuck up on me!  I needed to A) buy supplies to make Valentines with Catherine for her preschool party this week AND B) solidify my idea for a teachers' gift, buy supplies, create, and deliver 64 Valentines gifts to the elementary school I serve.

I was already going to bed WAY too late, but I just determined that when I woke up, I would have to put the pedal to the metal and go, go, go!!!

Because a chiropractor appointment also snuck up on me, Catherine joined me for that this morning.  I prepped her about expectations for her behavior and expectations of what Mommy would be doing and not doing during the appointment.  We packed snacks for her, and she basically left a trail of Cheerios wherever we went.

Up next we went to a friend's house for an indoor moving sale.  There were tons of things to look at, so I sent Catherine to play with my friend's daughter.  The next thing I know the girls have gotten into stuff they weren't supposed to, and Catherine has literally gotten into something she shouldn't have.  She had put her finger in a bottle of hot tub test strips (I had never heard of such a thing before today) and gotten it stuck.

My friend (not me) had the sense to remove the cap from the bottle.

She couldn't get it unstuck.
I couldn't get it unstuck.
Baby oil didn't help.
I started thinking we were going to have to go to the ER to get this stupid bottle removed.



At one point or another, Catherine, myself, my friend, my friend's daughter, my friend's husband, my friend's mother, and one other lady to whom I was never introduced were all gathered in my friend's bathroom trying to solve the problem.

After awhile some sort of heavy duty wire cutters were brought in (hold me, Jesus!), but there was no way I could even attempt to use them.  So my friend's mom (who apparently has some sort of medical training) stepped up.  God bless her.  I had never even met her before.  She worked hard and carefully with the heavy duty cutters and then also floral wire cutters to set Catherine's finger free finally.

Taking a break mid-cutting to ice the finger

Yep, quite a bit swollen

Dunkin

Needless to say, the day was not at all what I had planned.  By the time we were done there, Catherine just wanted to go home instead of Target for our Valentine errands, and I couldn't really blame her.  It was exhausting emotionally to take part in that.  Unfortunately, she only napped about 30-45 minutes, and the rest of the afternoon was pretty much down the crapper.

Then Daddy was delayed in getting home, which drives me even further off the crazy cliff.

Pretty much the only resolution to the day was for Mommy to get away by herself.

My happy place - Target with Starbucks

Thankfully I also came to the conclusion that A) Catherine will give pre-made Valentines to her classmates and B) Instead of individualized teacher's gifts like last year with 64 individually decorated and assembled gifts, I can deliver a stack of cups, containers of tea, and one note saying, "We think you're TEA-riffic!  Help yourself to a cup!" in order to save myself hours of time and sanity (do you measure sanity in hours??).  Hallelujah!

Last year's Valentines gift to the teachers.  This year will be different.

You just never know what each day is going to hold!

Every now and then, I'll do one of these Fill in the Blanks/Finish this Sentence type blog posts.  Living In Yellow did one, so I felt inspired to do so, as well.

Throwing a fit about:  Facebook not working for me.  I was having problems with it last night.  Just tried again this afternoon, and ... even worse.  Grrrr.  Oh well, it's probably a good thing, as it is likely my biggest time waster online.

You guys, I have random Catherine quotes all over the place.  It would be nice if I could put them all in one place.  My non-smart phone (yep, still got it after all these years) has a bit of space to write memos or notes, and I'm running out of room there because of so many Catherine quotes.  So, I figured it was time to dump some here.  In no particular order, some even go back to when she was just two years ago.  All pictures are from June, 2014.

Me:  "You have one left foot and one right foot."
C:  "Aww, but I wanted two right feet."
12/16/14

"What a beautiful morning, God!  Thank you for a new day!"
10/3/15 (actually she says this quite a bit, but this was the first time I heard it)

"Oh my brother!"
(a cross between Oh brother and Oh my goodness)
12/8/15



"Look at her stylish hair!"
(didn't know she knew that word!)
12/4/15

"My headache hurt a few days ago.  It was when I was six or something."
12/4/15

"I was wide asleep.  I did so goodly."
12/2/15

"I have to buy some more ice cream at Lowes."
6/27/14

"Do you feel like an orphan?"
11/18/15



"I'm having a hard trouble."
11/18/15

"Close your eyes so you don't ear any noise."
11/15/15

"Catherine had a long day."
11/22/13

Burped, then said, "Excuse.  Excuse all of me."
1/3/14

"Oh grief.  What earth is going on here?"
1/27/14

"I feel like a morning star!"
3/2/14



"I don't have a cowboy hat, so I have to buy one at the store."
6/9/14

C:  "The Bible says we can make a mess.  The Bible says we can eat food."
Me: "Where?"
C:  "In the french room.  With me."
3/17/15



"What's mommy thinking about ?"
3/18/15

C:  "What's boss mean?"
Me:  "Why?  Where did you hear that word?"
C:  "From school."
3/19/15 (this was before she went to school)

"I very miss you."
3/20/15

C, semi awake in her bed, "Where's my paci?"
Me: "I don't know. Where is it?"
C: "Hiding."
Me:  "Is it hiding?"
C:  "Yep", falls back asleep
12/22/13

"Holy goodness sakes!"
12/24/15

"Where's my husband Daddy?"
8/2/14

"My butt feels gas in it."
4/23/14

Me: "Go tell Daddy, 'Put a bird on it.'"
C:  "Daddy, you wanna put it on a bird on it."
4/4/14

"I have snot coming out of my nose!"
(She didn't) 4/5/14



While watching giraffes on a dvd, "He's gonna eat bacon."
4/1/14 (I later realized she thinks the giraffe's tongue is bacon)

Me as C "measures" me with a phone, "How tall am I?"
C:  "Big!  So you can cut cheese."
8/14  (Taken from being told knives aren't for kids to use)

Me, after burping: "Excuse me."
C:  "Did you just gas at me?!"
2/23/15

"Dear Jesus, please help my corn to cool so I can eat it.  Amen."
4/27/15

I keep opening all these tabs on my computer with articles like

• How to Simplify Christmas
• Christmas Traditions
• Simplifying Christmas Traditions 
• What You Really Need this Christmas
• What You Don't Need this Christmas
• How to Simplify Your Kids' Christmas
• Clutter-Free Gifts for this Christmas
• Creating a Meaningful Christmas

And in the process I'm cluttering up my computer screen, my mind, my feeling of having more on that blasted To Do list; I've gotta read all these articles now and implement them into our lives - quickly, like last month!  And figure out what to do when some of the different articles by different authors contradict each other.  Gah!  Hello, stress!

And, for the love of Martha Steweart, WHAT do people mean when they say, "Are you ready for Christmas?"

Clearly I will NEVER be ready!

And then I got to thinking...

What if I stop trying to do all these things that other people keep telling me I have to do?

(And most of these people are people who I don't even know in real life!)

Oh, the freedom.
Oh, the release.

Letting go of somebody else's expectations.

Letting go of my own expectations.

My daughter is four.  She doesn't have any expectations honestly!  This is the first year she's shown interest in anticipation of Christmas.  She doesn't care how many different goodies we bake (or if we bake any!).  She doesn't care about the number of gifts she gets or what kind of gifts she gets (although, she would probably enjoy it more if it's more than just clothes.  Even I remember not getting too excited about clothes at Christmas time!).  She doesn't care about making sure we have traditions.  She barely knows about Santa, let alone an Elf on the Shelf (thank goodness, because I am NOT about to do that thing!).

What if, instead of planning what events we fill our family's schedule with for Christmas Eve, we instead spent time with our each other and off our screens?

What if we made memories as a family, instead of being jealous of others' families posted on Instagram?

What if we looked at our loved ones' faces, rather than at Facebook?

What if we just relax and be, instead of plan and do?

If I say the focus of Christmas is celebrating Christ's coming to earth, do I show I believe it by what I do?  Or am I making our culture's traditions and expectations the priority of this season?

You can add this blog post to your own To Do list - another article telling you what to do or not do this Christmas.  Or you can be encouraged by it and contemplate your own priorities and expectations and choose to focus on what really matters.

After a disastrous family trip to Kohl's this evening, I asked Josh if I could run into the Dollar Store real quick.

"Sure, what for?"

Silence.

"Hello?" he tried again, while I tried to figure out how to respond.

"I can't tell you," I said defensively.  "Christmas is coming."

The truth was I didn't want to give him a false sense of hope.  Again.


I'm cheap.
I compare prices.
I buy based on what's on sale.
Paying full price for something is a foreign concept to me.

So, when I found out the Dollar Store carries pregnancy tests I started buying them there.

No sense spending a whole lot more to get a name brand from another store.
Especially for something that I literally pee on and throw away.
Truthfully, I don't want to put a lot of investment in it because it always ends up disappointing.

For some reason our Dollar Store now moved their pregnancy tests to behind the cash registers.  As in, you have to A) already know they carry them and then B) ask an employee for it by name.  While closely surrounded by other people.

My husband has a public job and is known by a lot of people in this community.  Being married to him makes me also susceptable to being known by a lot of people.  People who I've never met.  There's no privacy for me in this town.  I never know when I'm known.

Sometimes I just don't want to be known.


I wait in line and smile warmly at the young girl behind the register when it's my turn.  I try to use a hushed tone and turn my back to anybody behind me.

"Could I get a pregnancy test?" I'm suddenly timid and nervous.

"Just one?"

I hate that question.

The answer to it is dependent upon the result of the first test.  Which is, obviously, unknown.  That's kinda the whole reason I'm there.

My frugality wins out and I always end up just getting one.
And then regretting it the next time I need one.
Because it means I have to go through this whole scenario again.

"Yah, just one."  I feel I have to provide some sort of explanation, as additional words tumble out of my mouth.  "I don't know why I just get one..."

The young girl tries to be empathetic, "I hear ya.  I hear ya."  She smiles.  I smile.  And pay her my $1.07.

She has no idea.

Does she know the eager anticipation mixed with dread when I prepare to take the test?

Does she know afterwards I quickly put all the contents back into the bag and stuff it into the trash, trying to forget all about it?  Again.  And again.  And again.

Does she know I loathe the term "only child"?

Does she know I cringed filling out a paper this week for my daughter's pre-school class that said,
"My name is     Catherine    .
I have    0   brothers and    0   sisters."

Does she know the paralysis I have currently while wondering what to do with our four year old's outgrown car seat, stroller, crib, and highchair?

Or does she think, "Her period's late; hopes she's not preggers."?

Some people can time out their pregnancies perfectly, "We decided to have February babies so that my maternity leave will coincide with ....." or "We wanted our children to be two years apart."

That amazes me.

It amazes me because I have very little control over our situation, and to think someone else can control theirs so perfectly is unfathomable.

Some friends recently shared with us news of their pregnancy.  It's supposed to be an exciting announcement.  Our response is supposed to be elation and surprise and joy.

And instead it was sadness.
Emptiness.
And a feeling of loss and missing out.

I don't know why this is the path God has us on.
But I know I felt compelled to share this tonight.
Maybe someone walking this same path needed to read it.

If that's the case, please allow me to extend to you, "I hear ya.  I hear ya." And a smile.
Know you're not alone in this sad struggle.
May we find fulfillment and wholeness in our identify in Christ, rather than the size of our family.

photo by Peter Ringenberg

I want to be in a Book Club, but it's pretty rare that I actually finish books.  When I am reading and actually do complete a book, I am quite proud of my accomplishment.

Maybe I should be in a Movie Club instead.  Well, actually I don't watch movies frequently either.

Hmm, maybe I just want to be in a club.

I like people, and I like talking with people.

Let me be your friend.

Anybody else remember that sketch on Saturday Night Live with Adam Sandler and Chris Farley?  "Let me water your plants."  "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE BOY WATER YOUR PLANTS!"

Please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that!?

It's November 19th, and I'm still wearing sandals.  I figure until we get snow on the ground, I'll keep showing my toes.  Especially since they look pretty.



November 19th sounds familiar.  I think it was maybe our due date for Catherine.  I feel like most people would remember important dates like that.  I'm not so good with dates or numbers or remembering things.

Somebody bought my drink today at a local coffee house.

For a mom of a toddler

I don't know who, but I'm grateful.  Grateful for the free coffee and for the reminder:

Enjoy these years; your time is a gift.

This local coffee house has a bulletin board by the cash register with random drinks posted for particular people.  For example, "Drink for a cancer survivor." or "Drink for a firefighter" or "Drink for a police officer."  It was a nice little treat to find one I could use.

Today is a momentous day for me.  It's the first day since Friday that I'm going about my day without physical assistance.

Friday evening I injured my back.  Just scooting back in my seat in my vehicle, I felt sudden pain.  Within a couple hours I couldn't stand up straight.  Saturday morning I couldn't walk.  No, literally, COULD.NOT.WALK.  I got to a point where I said to Josh while laying in bed mid-morning, "I don't know how I'm going to pee!!"  I crawled to the bathroom.

Since then I've fluctuated between really bad, bad, and ok.  Josh helped me over the weekend, and my parents have been helping since he's been back at work.  I'm definitely doing better today, and I feel good mentally and emotionally about where things are and that I'm getting help and getting better.

I've had back pain off and on over the years, but it was never this bad.  It was scary.  My back was fine if I was laying down, but you can't live life laying down.

In addition, Catherine was sick this week.  She's had serious past breathing problems, so I'm always extra cautious when it comes to her health.

Getting the two of us better has been my priority this week, and work has been almost non-existent.  But now that I'm doing better, I can turn my attention back to that.

Oh, and I'm happy to report that our washing machine was able to be fixed!  That was a long month without one!!

Things I Love Right Now

• pockets (sadly, 99% of what I wear doesn't have pockets.  However, I have a pair of pants that are thicker and, therefore, worn more during the colder months that has pockets.  Needless to say, I've been delighted to wear them in the recent days.)

• apple cider (I just had my first of the season.  Always a great fall staple!)
  
• updates from old friends (just heard from a friend from long ago in California)

• dance parties with my family (in the kitchen, in the car, at Charissa's reception... There has been a lot of family dancing lately.  It's so fun!)

• the phrase "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful." (I am holding on tight to this one from The Nester as I update our home.)

• updating my Linked In profile (never thought I'd have any interest in this, and it wasn't my plan to even have a Linked In profile, but with my new job, comes lots of new things, and I've realized it is a good thing to boost my online professional appearance.)

• hearing Catherine sing (Lately she's always asking for a CD.  I didn't realize how quickly she was learning new songs until yesterday when she could suddenly sing about 80% of a song she just started listening to.  And it was from a CD of choir songs from my time in LA.)

• making decor updates to our home (in addition to changing our guest bedroom to my office, I'm trying to determine which furniture and other items we can part with.  I also finally painted our front door!)

  Ta-da!  Hooray for this Not a DIY-er!!

• embracing my unique style (Josh and I rarely agree on the same things, so it's not surprising then that we have different styles when it comes to how to decorate and arrange our home.  He has just started to give me more free reign, and I've been strongly drawn to some very unique things - artwork and chairs, specifically.  I'm learning it's ok to have my own quirky style, and it's ok to enjoy quirky things.  One of these days, I'll post pictures of the crazy unique additions.

• my boss (as I struggle to be a professional again and to figure out child care and family dynamics, I'm so grateful for an encouraging boss who sees my positive qualities and seeks to bring out the best in me.  It is a big time of transition, but he is patient and believes that family is a bigger priority than a job.)

Well, I was on a blogging roll for awhile there.

Maybe it will return.  Sometime.

For now, I continue working and wife-ing and mom-ing.  Lots of learning and adjusting

Josh was off all last week for Fall Break.  He had a birthday.  We enjoyed free "hot donuts now" at Krispy Kreme "late" one night.  Because we could.



We went to Indianapolis for a mini family vacay (cross that off the summer to do list) and my sister-in-law's sister's wedding.  I cried at the wedding and danced at the reception.  I recalled my own wedding.  It's amusing how some of the details are so sketchy (Did we partake in the tradition of kissing when glasses are tapped?  Did we have anything glass at the reception?).  And some details will never leave my memory.

Catherine with her cousins

s'mores as wedding favor

We stayed at a great hotel and had dinner at Cheesecake Factory.  We ooh'ed and ahh'ed over items at Crate & Barrel, and then I informed my husband that I'm very content living a life that does not include spending $5100 on a sofa, just in case he needed reassurance.

Date Night

Catherine's birthday party is quickly coming up - less than two weeks.  So, I'll need to be thinking more about that soon.  We're having the party at a local restaurant/cafe/bakery.  I kept the guest list very short.  It will be a short and sweet - and salty - party.

But of course I can't do anything simply.  So, I plan to make goodie bags/favors for guests.

I'm currently working on a Moms Night Out for my weekly moms' group and planning our church's ladies' Christmas party.

Our washing machine quit working 2 weeks ago.  Mid-cycle.  Just to keep things interesting I guess.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.  And the next couple weeks.

mothering is hard.

fathering is hard.

life is hard.

i'm just shaking my head at my not quite four year old daughter's behavior tonight...

um, like a teenager's behavior.

this is payback for how i treated my mom as a child.  right?  it must be.

ugh.

this day also included our washing machine quitting.  while full of laundry and water.

and it was my first day at my new work-from-home job.

my parents were here to help watch C.

yesterday Josh's parents were here to help move furniture.

i don't know where we'd be without our parents' help.

this evening we went to look at washers and dryers.  catherine was not a fan.

followed by groceries.

and more work.

tomorrow will be easier.  right?

We no longer have a guest room.

Instead, this is now my office.

In addition to needing to spend focused time working on Women's Ministry and my Mamas' Group (have I mentioned I'm on the leadership team for that?), as well as wanting to spend focused time on writing, I now have a part-time, work-from-home job.


And I know in order to actually work, I need a designated place to do the work.

So, here it is.  Definitely a work in progress!  But it's good for now, and I'll keep adding my personal touch to it.

As for my job, I will be doing a lot of hands-on details in running a website for job postings in Northwest Indiana.  The marketing and social media aspects excite me, but I'm also very aware how much I have to learn.

It's been 3 1/2 years since I worked outside the home, and 5 years since I've been in something more like this kind of work.  In all honesty, I'm scared.

Late this afternoon I just reached a place of utter exhaustion and fear.  I suggested Catherine pick out a movie.  I snuggled up on the couch under like five blankets and let myself nap to escape the reality.

But I don't want fear to win.
I'm reminding myself that God made me brave.
God made me to shine.

The same verse I have shared with Catherine I now remind myself of:

Awhile ago I did these lists of "Things I Like Right Now".  I thought I'd post another.

• home decor
• "You're a Good, Good Father"
• re-thinking home decor
• peace
• baskets/containers
• re-arranging things from room to room
• crazy artwork
• rest
• space
• date night
• getting stuff out of our house
• Zillow
• pad thai
• watching football with Catherine
• small town Wakarusa, IN
• getting deals at yard sales
• Ben's soft pretzels
• the quote "not my monkey, not my circus"
• snuggling up with a soft, cozy blanket
• being encouraged, affirmed, and built-up
• encouraging other women
• "No Longer Slaves"
• finding my adventure
• a second cup of coffee
• deepening friendships

I can't do two events in five days.

Especially when I'm sick.

Saturday's bridal shower was awesome.  I'm so grateful for so much help from others.  I can't even imagine getting through it without their help.

Saturday night Catherine started getting sick.

Now I have it.

And my first Women's Ministry event is in two days.

Of course I'm no where near ready.

Because all my focus has been on Saturday's event. And Catherine's health.  And now my own.

And because I don't do well with church politics.  And bureaucracy.  And trying to navigate my way down the proper channels of communication and permission.

Sometimes it's just easiest for me to do my own thing instead of trying to follow somebody else's arbitrary preferences.

I have a voice.  Let it be heard.

I have gifts.  Let them be shared.

I have passion.  Let it be used.

If this is offensive to you, blame my fever.  Or the strong odor of my perfume that Catherine got into while I was resting.  But you're probably not one of my regular readers anyways.

Now I'm gonna curl back up in my blankets.

I was giddy when I realized today's date in my calendar/agenda book was blank.

I had thought about doing certain things today since I had the time and availability, but then I remembered I don't need to be the one to step up and come to the rescue.

As my mom recently started saying, "It's not my monkey, and it's not my circus."

Bam!

So, instead I enjoyed my day off.

Catherine & I slept in, lounged around, read, played, enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company, and one of us even enjoyed an iced coffee.

I didn't check my email.  I didn't check my facebook.

I know full well that there are many things there to deal with, but I decided it could wait til evening.

It was an awesome liberating feeling.

Instead I got to enjoy a few chapters from this lovely inspiration, picked up from yesterday's library visit.


And I even planned dinner, albeit leftovers.

And now as Josh & Catherine are at their Wednesday night church, I relax by writing to the sound of the ceiling fan spinning round and round.

I promised myself after the last post that the next post I would write would be called, "Fighting Fear."  But instead I'm inspired to write something else.

I just sat down and exhaled.

Truly exhaled.

For what felt like the first time today.

And it's almost 1:30 in the afternoon.

I am looking desperately for balance and not yet grasping it.

If I had a smart phone or knew how to take (and FIND) screen shots, I would insert a map that showed my travels for today.

The day started off early, which I never like.  I contemplated resetting the alarm clock and actually enjoying a couple more hours of sleep (especially since my child was at her grandparents'), but I made a commitment for this morning, so I kept it.

I headed west a couple cities over for a new Bible Study.   But I know I can't keep that up weekly.  That is my reality.  I AM MAXED.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  And really maybe I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

After Bible Study I had to hurry off for a Shop the House meet.  This is a local group that meets to sell or buy items.  Kind of like a local craigslist.  We have been pursuing purging in our household, so this time instead of buying I'm actually selling.

Then I had to hurry to my folks' house, scarf down lunch/brunch (not that I had eaten breakfast), hurry Catherine along, and rush out for the next time constraint.

Preschool.

But before that, another new commitment:  picking up a classmate of hers.  So, I had to drive a new route, so focused on the newness of it all that I almost didn't see a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes.  That is so not me, by the way!

Then find the classmate's babysitter's house, figure out his car seat, and get them to pre-school.

Then we had to wait, since there's just a 5 minute window for preschool drop-off (unless you're one of the parents who ignore that rule and just show up, drop off, and leave whenever you darn well like).

After both kids were in the seats, and the classmate's car seat was out of my van, I came to the local library to hang out.

Because now I try to basically kill time for two afternoons a week.

So, I found the local library, found a table, sat down, and exhaled.

Hallelujah!

I don't know.  Are you getting any sense as to why I've been experiencing anxiety lately?

Last week I couldn't even relax during the preschool wait time because I was too stressed about having to stay aware of how much time I had left, what time I had to leave, what route I had to take, etc. etc.

This has to end!  Somehow.  Lord, help me.

(And I haven't even mentioned today's evening activities...)