I've attempted multiple blog posts in the last few days.
But things have just been off.
The timing.
Availability.
Computer and photo issues.
Inspiration.

And this blog post I didn't plan to write.

But sometimes the feelings are too great to keep inside.
The thoughts and the pain have to come out.
And, for now anyways, this is where they land.




It's just a stroller.
And a car seat.

But now they are officially for sale.

"Gently used" the ad reads.

We went gender neutral on everything.  Even though we knew we were having a girl.

"We'll have two and then see." was always our answer when people asked us how many kids we wanted.  Either that or "Two to four."

One was never an option.
One was never our plans.

I always wanted a big family.
Big families have more fun.
I learned that from The Cosby Show.

The last few weeks have been rough.
Too rough to detail.

Last week was the 5 year mark from finding out we were pregnant with Catherine.
5 years.
Thanks, Facebook, for the reminder.
I went to bed early that night.
Cried myself to sleep.
Feeling broken that I can't reach that status again.
Like my body has failed me.
Betrayed me.

My hopes and plans and desires have been battered and abandoned.
I'm left without them.
Laying helpless with a part of me ripped out and gaping open.


But God.

But God knows the plans He has for me.

But God will take all that He has made and use it for good.

And what was intended for the negative, God will use for good.

He is good and He is faithful and He is loving.
In the midst of my pain, He is my comfort.

I sing it.
I say it.
I believe it.
And I remind myself of it.

Catherine's first ride in the stroller

I am a reluctant entertainer.

I always like the idea of being hospitable.
Inviting people over.
Hosting people in our home.

When we moved to The Old Yellow Farmhouse I had grand expectations of how we would use our home to welcome people in.

But I always had - and still have - a handful of excuses that prevent me from inviting people over often.

Inviting someone into your home is like inviting someone into a deeper part of your life.  Not just the parts you proudly share on social media, but also the messy parts that typically aren't exposed.

The part I'm not supposed to show

It's revealing.
It's vulnerable.
It's nerve-wracking.

But tomorrow we're doing it.

We're having guests over for dinner.

Of course I'm feeling all last minute frantic and insecure.  So, what do I do?  I decide the pillows and throw on the grey couch need to go on the green couch, and the pillows and throw on the green couch need to go on the grey couch.

For crying out loud, the kitchen table STILL has a toy cash register on it, but I'm swapping out decorative pillows.  UGH!

Now mind you, I can't make the house too clean.  I read once somewhere that the nicest thing you can do when you invite a friend over is to not clean your house.  I guess the thinking is that if your house is messier than hers, she'll feel better about herself and her home or something along those lines.

We have to find that right balance where we treat our guests well and make them feel special, but also allow our guests to see the real us.  Flaws and all.

Fingerprints on the bathroom mirror.
A stain in the carpet.
Dust on the entertainment center.
A laundry room full of laundry.
Christmas decor still up in February (ahem).

Being authentic in our homes encourages us to be authentic in our conversations.
Opening up our homes helps us open up ourselves.
Being real about stains makes us more likely to be real about our struggles.

And I think deep down we all long for those friendships where we can be honest about ourselves and our trials, our questions and our concerns.  I hope tomorrow's dinner is a step toward that realness.

But, mark my words, that cash register will get put away.

I survived!

The other day, my husband went out of town for work. Normally when he's gone overnight, by default I just go stay at my parents' house. This time though I decided I should try to stay home and try to manage life (and Catherine) by myself.  Or sort of by myself.

Day One:  morning we went to a friend's house for a play-date.  Then my sis-in-law and her kiddos came over for the afternoon.  Catherine and I went out for dinner together in the evening.

Day Two:  my folks came over to keep us company.

Other than the random car that decided to pull in our driveway after 11:30 at night for a couple minutes that felt like hours, all was fine.  Oh, and then there was Catherine's 1 AM wake-up and crying with a cough and fever...

But we survived.

We (me, SIL, and Mom) spent our time working hard, totally rearranging and cleaning a couple rooms to surprise Josh.

We kind of have two living rooms here in the Old Yellow Farmhouse.  So, one we call The Living Room, and one we call The Front Room.  But sometimes I forget which is which because either one could be appropriately referred to as the front room.  I don't really remember my reasoning behind the terminology when we named them awhile after moving into this house back in 2012, but it's what we do.

So, we swapped some furniture between the two rooms and rearranged furniture in the living room and cleared all the clutter out (sadly, a lot of it got shoved into my office at the last minute), and now we have two nice, tidy, clean rooms.  And I can actually enjoy them.

Our Front Room (there used to be a coffee table here)

From the Front room looking into the Living Room

These chairs had been in the other room

This massive entertainment center had been on the wall now with the matching chairs.

I've been studying and pursuing de-cluttering because, frankly, I have too much clutter.

Honest moment:  I have hoarding tendencies.  I have not been in the habit or practice of purging or cleaning on a regular basis.  It's sort of my shameful secret.  But I want to change it.  I've realized the impact it has on my well being.  And I've realized the impact that our home has on our family.

My family is of greatest importance to me, and I am trying to have my life actually reflect what I say are my priorities.  So, since they are my people and the people who God has entrusted me to care for, I am trying to live that out by taking care of their environment.

Now, it's only two rooms, and I've got eight more (+ two huge storage closets) to work on too, so this is a gradual process.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with clutter and cleanliness in her home, so if you are also one with this shameful secret, maybe my coming clean will be of some encouragement to you.  Here are some of the eight remaining rooms.  Hopefully someday soon these will be their "Before" pictures.

The office/guest room

You don't have a play cash register on your kitchen table?

The laundry room; this room fills up fast with overflow!

You're welcome.  You are not alone.

You guys.  I STILL do not have a smart phone.

But now I have an Instagram.

It's so crazy that I just wrote that.

Seriously, for my first IG (how us cool 30-something year olds abbreviate Instagram) post, I arranged this great cup of coffee in my Magnolia Farms (Magnolia Market?  You know that whole Chip and JoJo Fixer Upper company) mug on my awesome second hand turquoise painted coffee table with our big picture window behind it and clicked on the button to take the pic, and it started taking video!

Ha!

I will never be tech cool.

(Ooh, try saying "tech cool" out loud a few times.  Fun.)

Hubs had the last 5 days off, and it was awesome.

Let's be real.  Sometimes I get so used to my routine Monday through Friday that when he's here I struggle.  But this long weekend was so great!  I felt like he was actually HOME the whole time.  Not distracted by work issues and work commitments.  And Catherine stayed a night with her grandparents, so we got to do whatever parents do when their child is away.  Yah know, binge watch episodes of Gilmore Girls.

But life is more than Gilmore Girls and Instagram.  Here's something a bit more meaningful:  my "job" now that my other job is over is basically my daughter.  I'm not always good at that job, but I keep plugging away because I believe it is of greatest importance.

Sunday morning while I was getting ready for church I mentioned to Catherine that I would not be in the "big church" with her and Daddy because I was going to be working in the nursery that day.

So she said, "Why are you working in the nursery?"
And since I was having a bad attitude about having to work in the nursery I sighed and said, "That's a good question, dear."

See, I am not gifted in nursery duty.  God bless those who are.  They are important and necessary people.  But I will never be one of them.  I am gifted in other areas and serve in other areas that are a much better fit.  When I'm in the nursery, it is not a good fit.  It is like a pair of too tight jeans.  You just can't be comfortable in them.  You're miserable when you sit.  You're not any better when you stand.  Your underwear starts riding up, and you can't wait to just get home and get them off!

Or is that just me?...

Well, after awhile God worked on my heart and He surprised me by having my fellow nursery worker that day be one of my newest fellow mama friends who I really rarely get to visit with.

So, later, with a softer heart and after coffee, I was able to have another convo with Catherine.

"Catherine, you remember how you asked mommy why I had to work in the nursery this morning?"

"Yah."

"Well, you know the two most important things we can do are to love God and to love others.  There are lots of ways to show love to others.  You showed love to your preschool classmates by making them Valentines cards the other day.  You and Daddy showed love to Mommy this morning by making me cards and letting me sleep in.  One way I can show love to others is by serving them.  I can serve them by working in the nursery and watching their babies so they can learn more about God by being in the big church without being distracted by having to take care of their children during that time."


It was like I couldn't wait to have that follow-up conversation once it clicked in my heart.  I'm so glad God gave me that opportunity to talk about love with my four-year-old.  I pray my heart is always open to other such teachable moments with her.  There are a lot of important values and lessons to be teaching my daughter, but since Jesus said the greatest thing we should do is to love God and love others, that's what I'm trying to focus on.  One real-life example at a time.

So, this is really recent and still pretty raw, but there's a message behind it that I believe is worth sharing.

Remember that work-from-home job that I picked up just a few months ago?
Yah.
I recently made the really hard decision to leave that job.

There were great things about that job and even greater potential.
But I really felt God telling me that it was taking me away from my family and that it just wasn't the right time for that job.

It's been really deflating and discouraging.
So I started asking myself "Why?"
"Why is it so devastating to leave that behind?"

And I came to realize that I was really struggling with the thought of losing the title "work from home mom".
I hated losing that defining part of my identity.

There are a lot of different layers and aspects of my identity, and the truth is, many of them are fleeting.  I mean, in all honesty, many things that I use to define myself could be snatched away in an instant.

Wife
Mom
Work from home mom

Any of that could change overnight, so I can't get caught up in allowing my identity to come from those things.

I have to remind myself that it is my identity in Christ that is constant, never changing.

Yes, I can still describe myself in ways such as "wife" and "mom" in an effort to find commonality with some readers.  But I also have to look at the qualifiers that I am or that I have just because of who God says I am.

So, here are some reminders.  Mainly for myself.  But maybe also for you.  Maybe you are struggling with your identity too.  Consider what is fleeting and what is constant.  I want to be grounded in the things of the never changing Father.


This list is something I received from my Moms' Group, and it would be a great list to study further and even add to.  Can I encourage you to skim the list and see what truth reaches out and speaks to you? 

Maybe you need reminding that you are His child.
Maybe you need to remember that you are His chosen one.
Maybe it's the reminder that you are redeemed and made new in Christ.

These are the things I cling to as my circumstances change and my boat gets rocked through the waves of life.

Who Am I?

I am the salt of the earth. (Matthew 5:13)

I had this horrible realization last night:

Valentine's Week had totally snuck up on me!  I needed to A) buy supplies to make Valentines with Catherine for her preschool party this week AND B) solidify my idea for a teachers' gift, buy supplies, create, and deliver 64 Valentines gifts to the elementary school I serve.

I was already going to bed WAY too late, but I just determined that when I woke up, I would have to put the pedal to the metal and go, go, go!!!

Because a chiropractor appointment also snuck up on me, Catherine joined me for that this morning.  I prepped her about expectations for her behavior and expectations of what Mommy would be doing and not doing during the appointment.  We packed snacks for her, and she basically left a trail of Cheerios wherever we went.

Up next we went to a friend's house for an indoor moving sale.  There were tons of things to look at, so I sent Catherine to play with my friend's daughter.  The next thing I know the girls have gotten into stuff they weren't supposed to, and Catherine has literally gotten into something she shouldn't have.  She had put her finger in a bottle of hot tub test strips (I had never heard of such a thing before today) and gotten it stuck.

My friend (not me) had the sense to remove the cap from the bottle.

She couldn't get it unstuck.
I couldn't get it unstuck.
Baby oil didn't help.
I started thinking we were going to have to go to the ER to get this stupid bottle removed.



At one point or another, Catherine, myself, my friend, my friend's daughter, my friend's husband, my friend's mother, and one other lady to whom I was never introduced were all gathered in my friend's bathroom trying to solve the problem.

After awhile some sort of heavy duty wire cutters were brought in (hold me, Jesus!), but there was no way I could even attempt to use them.  So my friend's mom (who apparently has some sort of medical training) stepped up.  God bless her.  I had never even met her before.  She worked hard and carefully with the heavy duty cutters and then also floral wire cutters to set Catherine's finger free finally.

Taking a break mid-cutting to ice the finger

Yep, quite a bit swollen

Dunkin

Needless to say, the day was not at all what I had planned.  By the time we were done there, Catherine just wanted to go home instead of Target for our Valentine errands, and I couldn't really blame her.  It was exhausting emotionally to take part in that.  Unfortunately, she only napped about 30-45 minutes, and the rest of the afternoon was pretty much down the crapper.

Then Daddy was delayed in getting home, which drives me even further off the crazy cliff.

Pretty much the only resolution to the day was for Mommy to get away by herself.

My happy place - Target with Starbucks

Thankfully I also came to the conclusion that A) Catherine will give pre-made Valentines to her classmates and B) Instead of individualized teacher's gifts like last year with 64 individually decorated and assembled gifts, I can deliver a stack of cups, containers of tea, and one note saying, "We think you're TEA-riffic!  Help yourself to a cup!" in order to save myself hours of time and sanity (do you measure sanity in hours??).  Hallelujah!

Last year's Valentines gift to the teachers.  This year will be different.

You just never know what each day is going to hold!

Every now and then, I'll do one of these Fill in the Blanks/Finish this Sentence type blog posts.  Living In Yellow did one, so I felt inspired to do so, as well.

Throwing a fit about:  Facebook not working for me.  I was having problems with it last night.  Just tried again this afternoon, and ... even worse.  Grrrr.  Oh well, it's probably a good thing, as it is likely my biggest time waster online.

After a disastrous family trip to Kohl's this evening, I asked Josh if I could run into the Dollar Store real quick.

"Sure, what for?"

Silence.

"Hello?" he tried again, while I tried to figure out how to respond.

"I can't tell you," I said defensively.  "Christmas is coming."

The truth was I didn't want to give him a false sense of hope.  Again.


I'm cheap.
I compare prices.
I buy based on what's on sale.
Paying full price for something is a foreign concept to me.

So, when I found out the Dollar Store carries pregnancy tests I started buying them there.

No sense spending a whole lot more to get a name brand from another store.
Especially for something that I literally pee on and throw away.
Truthfully, I don't want to put a lot of investment in it because it always ends up disappointing.

For some reason our Dollar Store now moved their pregnancy tests to behind the cash registers.  As in, you have to A) already know they carry them and then B) ask an employee for it by name.  While closely surrounded by other people.

My husband has a public job and is known by a lot of people in this community.  Being married to him makes me also susceptable to being known by a lot of people.  People who I've never met.  There's no privacy for me in this town.  I never know when I'm known.

Sometimes I just don't want to be known.


I wait in line and smile warmly at the young girl behind the register when it's my turn.  I try to use a hushed tone and turn my back to anybody behind me.

"Could I get a pregnancy test?" I'm suddenly timid and nervous.

"Just one?"

I hate that question.

The answer to it is dependent upon the result of the first test.  Which is, obviously, unknown.  That's kinda the whole reason I'm there.

My frugality wins out and I always end up just getting one.
And then regretting it the next time I need one.
Because it means I have to go through this whole scenario again.

"Yah, just one."  I feel I have to provide some sort of explanation, as additional words tumble out of my mouth.  "I don't know why I just get one..."

The young girl tries to be empathetic, "I hear ya.  I hear ya."  She smiles.  I smile.  And pay her my $1.07.

She has no idea.

Does she know the eager anticipation mixed with dread when I prepare to take the test?

Does she know afterwards I quickly put all the contents back into the bag and stuff it into the trash, trying to forget all about it?  Again.  And again.  And again.

Does she know I loathe the term "only child"?

Does she know I cringed filling out a paper this week for my daughter's pre-school class that said,
"My name is     Catherine    .
I have    0   brothers and    0   sisters."

Does she know the paralysis I have currently while wondering what to do with our four year old's outgrown car seat, stroller, crib, and highchair?

Or does she think, "Her period's late; hopes she's not preggers."?

Some people can time out their pregnancies perfectly, "We decided to have February babies so that my maternity leave will coincide with ....." or "We wanted our children to be two years apart."

That amazes me.

It amazes me because I have very little control over our situation, and to think someone else can control theirs so perfectly is unfathomable.

Some friends recently shared with us news of their pregnancy.  It's supposed to be an exciting announcement.  Our response is supposed to be elation and surprise and joy.

And instead it was sadness.
Emptiness.
And a feeling of loss and missing out.

I don't know why this is the path God has us on.
But I know I felt compelled to share this tonight.
Maybe someone walking this same path needed to read it.

If that's the case, please allow me to extend to you, "I hear ya.  I hear ya." And a smile.
Know you're not alone in this sad struggle.
May we find fulfillment and wholeness in our identify in Christ, rather than the size of our family.

photo by Peter Ringenberg

Within just a couple of months I have gone from mocking desks to wanting my own.

What?  Who mocks desks??

...sheepishly raising hand...

It was not that long ago that I said, "Who needs a desk?!?  Anything you'd do at a desk you can just do at a kitchen table."  I basically felt like desks were pointless.

And now I'm actually contemplating turning our guest room into my office.

Because this:

Yikes

Oh the horror.  I can't believe I just shared that with you.

That is my makeshift wannabe office.  And, clearly, it's not working well.

It's in our living room.  In the middle of our living.  Surrounded by toys.  And clutter.  And life.  And distractions.  The physical clutter causes mental clutter.  And I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

I long for a space that is mine.

I long for peace.
Quiet.
Stillness.
Calm.

A clean slate and a clean space.
To create.
To focus.
To work.

I blame The Nester.  I just finished her book.  Her motto is "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful."  Her words and methods are inspiring me to change things up in my home.  I got her book from the library, but I wouldn't mind actually owning a copy to use as a resource.  I'm a fan of being able to underline, circle, and star things in books.  I guess that's the little bit of creativity in me.

Maybe it will go on my Christmas Wish List.

I promised myself after the last post that the next post I would write would be called, "Fighting Fear."  But instead I'm inspired to write something else.

I just sat down and exhaled.

Truly exhaled.

For what felt like the first time today.

And it's almost 1:30 in the afternoon.

I am looking desperately for balance and not yet grasping it.

If I had a smart phone or knew how to take (and FIND) screen shots, I would insert a map that showed my travels for today.

The day started off early, which I never like.  I contemplated resetting the alarm clock and actually enjoying a couple more hours of sleep (especially since my child was at her grandparents'), but I made a commitment for this morning, so I kept it.

I headed west a couple cities over for a new Bible Study.   But I know I can't keep that up weekly.  That is my reality.  I AM MAXED.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  And really maybe I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

After Bible Study I had to hurry off for a Shop the House meet.  This is a local group that meets to sell or buy items.  Kind of like a local craigslist.  We have been pursuing purging in our household, so this time instead of buying I'm actually selling.

Then I had to hurry to my folks' house, scarf down lunch/brunch (not that I had eaten breakfast), hurry Catherine along, and rush out for the next time constraint.

Preschool.

But before that, another new commitment:  picking up a classmate of hers.  So, I had to drive a new route, so focused on the newness of it all that I almost didn't see a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes.  That is so not me, by the way!

Then find the classmate's babysitter's house, figure out his car seat, and get them to pre-school.

Then we had to wait, since there's just a 5 minute window for preschool drop-off (unless you're one of the parents who ignore that rule and just show up, drop off, and leave whenever you darn well like).

After both kids were in the seats, and the classmate's car seat was out of my van, I came to the local library to hang out.

Because now I try to basically kill time for two afternoons a week.

So, I found the local library, found a table, sat down, and exhaled.

Hallelujah!

I don't know.  Are you getting any sense as to why I've been experiencing anxiety lately?

Last week I couldn't even relax during the preschool wait time because I was too stressed about having to stay aware of how much time I had left, what time I had to leave, what route I had to take, etc. etc.

This has to end!  Somehow.  Lord, help me.

(And I haven't even mentioned today's evening activities...)

So, there are a ton of things that I struggle with.  But it really wasn't that long ago that I realized fear was not one of my struggles.

So, of course that had to change.

I don't know if it was due to pride or just a change in my season of life or what, but suddenly my being has become full of fear and anxiety.

The last week has been really really hard. Like, some days I'm surprised I'm still going.

Tonight, it's a whole new fear, and it's keeping me up late.

For I know once I wake up I have to face a fear.  A big fear.

Off and on over the last year or so, I've been dealing with some pretty crappy situations regarding my health.  I'm sparing you the details.  They went away for awhile but came back.

In the last couple weeks I've gone through some tests, and everything has come back clear.

Tomorrow is one more test.  And I'm afraid of it.

I'm afraid of it not coming back clear.

But I think even more so I'm also afraid of it being clear and fine just like all the others.

Because that means still no answers.

And I don't know which terrifies me more:  an official name of a diagnosis or no known cause of said crappy health problems.

After tomorrow's test there will be a discussion of options.  Which, of course, is another part that scares me.

The thing is...  there are no good options.  There are crushing, devastating, drastic options that mean the end of our chances at our family's growth.

And I'm not ready for that possibility.

I'm not ready for that decision to be made by someone else and for us to be forced into it.

I'm not ready to quit and give up.

So tonight I'm praying for clarity,
for guidance,
for peace,
for sleep,
and rest.

I could write paragraph after paragraph, page after page, post after post about all I'm doing wrong.

Seriously.  I don't cook.  I don't clean.  I complain.  And I procrastinate.

Some days my daughter practically drags me out of bed.

I nag my husband.

I don't exercise.

I eat out too much.

I don't budget.

There are all sorts of failures in every possible category.

But, for a change, can I just focus on something I'm doing right?

I can't resist a picture of sleeping beauty.

Tonight with both Josh and Catherine in bed and me still downstairs working on an upcoming event, I kept hearing random noises coming from upstairs.
Curiosity got the best of me, and I tried to tiptoe up the old creaky steps in our 110 year old farmhouse.  Fortunately, Catherine's sound machine and fan covered up the creaking, so she had no idea I was standing outside her bedroom door.

What I saw and what I heard made my soul rejoice.

Catherine lay in her bed with her nightlight on, surrounded by books and bears and blankets.  She was reading aloud The Prayer that Makes God Smile, underlining words with her finger, moving left to right, row after row as she read her own version of the story.

I love hearing her read, seeing what she remembers of books, and what she improvises.

I love seeing her mimic how we read to her.

I love that she gets how it works to see the letters on the pages and know that they make up the words we say.

But what I loved the most is the message she kept proclaiming tonight.

Yes, she really fell asleep like that one night.

"We have to eat every good thing.  Like apples and oranges and bananas.  Chips are ok.  Hummus is healthy."  She's been really interested in labeling food as "healthy" or "junk food" thanks to borrowing my parents' The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food.

"We have to obey our mommy and daddy.  We have to do what is right.  We have to obey God."  I started thinking of conversations I'd initiate tomorrow to talk about why we should obey.

"God always loves you.  God always protects you.  He protects you during the day, and He protects you at night.  He protects you from bees.

"He is with you always.  You can talk to Him all the time.  He listens to you all the time.  And He loves you all the time.  He is our provider, our helper, and our King.

"He loves you, guides you, and protects you.  Jesus died on the cross for you.  And He loves you always.  He loves you forever.  As long as I'm living, my Jesus He'll be."

She continued sharing the same positive message, some of which was borrowed from I'll Love You Forever  also from my folks' collection.

It was so encouraging to realize that she's hearing the message.

She's hearing it from Josh and me.  From her grandparents.  And aunts and uncles.  From her summer Wednesday church program.  From her teachers at Children's Church.  From the daily devotionals we have together.

We're doing something right!

And this "something" is a very important thing.