September 14, 2015

So, there are a ton of things that I struggle with.  But it really wasn't that long ago that I realized fear was not one of my struggles.

So, of course that had to change.

I don't know if it was due to pride or just a change in my season of life or what, but suddenly my being has become full of fear and anxiety.

The last week has been really really hard. Like, some days I'm surprised I'm still going.

Tonight, it's a whole new fear, and it's keeping me up late.

For I know once I wake up I have to face a fear.  A big fear.

Off and on over the last year or so, I've been dealing with some pretty crappy situations regarding my health.  I'm sparing you the details.  They went away for awhile but came back.

In the last couple weeks I've gone through some tests, and everything has come back clear.

Tomorrow is one more test.  And I'm afraid of it.

I'm afraid of it not coming back clear.

But I think even more so I'm also afraid of it being clear and fine just like all the others.

Because that means still no answers.

And I don't know which terrifies me more:  an official name of a diagnosis or no known cause of said crappy health problems.

After tomorrow's test there will be a discussion of options.  Which, of course, is another part that scares me.

The thing is...  there are no good options.  There are crushing, devastating, drastic options that mean the end of our chances at our family's growth.

And I'm not ready for that possibility.

I'm not ready for that decision to be made by someone else and for us to be forced into it.

I'm not ready to quit and give up.

So tonight I'm praying for clarity,
for guidance,
for peace,
for sleep,
and rest.

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  1. Wow, friend! What a post! In some ways, I feel like I could have written it myself. I definitely know health issues, the search for elusive answers, and the fear that so easily manifests itself in that. Praying that you find the answers, the balance, and the peace that you need. Love you!


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