Isn't there some great quote about good intentions and plans?

Well, life doesn't always go as planned.

I'm sure we've all learned that by now.
In one way or another.

I shared about it before, but it was never our plan that Catherine would be our only child.


I don't want to offend or hurt others with sensitive topics, but at the same time, I want to write my thoughts.  So, if you are sensitive to the subjects of having children, only children, conceiving, pregnancy, or infertility and don't want to read or think about such things, feel free to skip this post.

I've started writing this post a few times in my head but never actually on the laptop.

Or the blog.
Where others can see it.

But I'm all about keeping it real lately.  I am encouraged when others do, so maybe my risk of vulnerability will be in some small way an encouragement to someone who needs it.

For the last few years I've created a grand Christmas card/letter/photo montage.

Yes, even when I was single.

I know the idea of doing such a thing is sometimes mocked, but I think it's great.  I'm always happy to get something like that from others in the mail and to keep up with friends from far away.  I also enjoy documenting a review of the year - maybe since my memory is so bad!

There may have been one year in there right after Catherine was born where it didn't happen because it was just too crazy of a time adjusting to life with a newborn, but I'm not sure (See:  I told you I had a bad memory).

For the last two years we've hired a photographer to take Family Photos for the purpose of including them in the annual Christmas card/letter/photo montage.

2012

2013

This year, however, I've just kept putting it off and putting it off and finding one excuse after another and finally having to accept the fact that Family Photos just might not happen this year.

And do you know why I haven't been so eager to make it happen?

Because this isn't the family I thought I would have this year.

Whoa.  I just wrote that.

Please please don't hear me saying that I'm not grateful for the family I have.  I am incredibly grateful for this family that God has put together.


But when I think about poses and I compare our family to other Family Pictures (it's quite hard to find families of three where the child isn't a baby), and then I find the families with a multitude of children. . .

It feels as if there should be another member to our family.

Oh man, this sounds ridiculous when I put it out there.  I know we have been blessed with our child, and I know there are those who would be happy with "just" one.  I am happy.

But it's been a process.  An adjustment.  And a letting go of my desires and my expectations (there's that word again) and my wants and the comparisons of others.

(Go ahead.  Insert the Frozen theme song here.)

And I guess I'm learning to do that.  To let go.

Because guess what:

It looks like we're actually getting Family Pictures taken this weekend.  Pray for me.  Pray for us.  Heck, pray for our photographer as he has to deal with us!

So, that's step one.

Step two will be actually choosing a photo to represent our family.

Step three will be ordering the photo cards and sharing them with our friends and family across the states.

And saying:  This is our family.  Our family of three.  That I am so blessed to have.  And so grateful for.  And I'm not going to love them any less if we are not blessed with more.

May I have that contentment.  May I have that peace.  May I have that joy.

Because this is so true:  "Comparison is the thief of joy."  - Theodore Roosevelt

I want to celebrate the crazy, silly family that we are.  Even if it doesn't look how we thought it would.  It it truly something to be thankful for!

I went to a really awesome Women's Retreat last week.  And it's got me thinking a lot about the expectations of being a "good mom" or a "perfect wife" or a "Proverbs 31 woman".

• own a big house
• invite people over often
• clean that big house
• make meals
• make healthy meals
• organic, gluten free, GMO free meals
• no fast food
• meal plan
• make freezer meals
• make meals for others
• bake coookies
• keep a full cookie jar
• have clear kitchen counters
• have granite countertops
• serve in the church
• nursery duty Sunday
• nursery duty Wednesday
• attend Bible study
• host Bible study
• attend small group
• host small group
• have daily devotions
• have daily family devotions
• have daily devotions with husband
• have a happy marriage
• have lots of sex
• have lots of children
• sacrificially give up sleep
• sew
• own a minivan
• drive other people's kids around
• take the neighborhood to church
• take the church to the neighborhood
• serve the less fortunate
• make memories for child(ren)
• have craft time with child
• give up coffee
• go to bed early
• get up early
• exercise
• daily laundry
• mop
• wear an apron
• wear makeup
• wear heels
• have nice matching furniture that isn't second-hand or stained
• have a queen or king sized bed
• . . .

It keeps going and going.
It's enough to make me crumble.
And weep.
And give up.

Because [clearly] I can't do it all.

The question I keep coming back to is "Where do these expectations come from?"

God never called me to be Super Woman.  He's the One I say I live for and care about.  Then why am I stressing about doing all these other things that He's never called me to do?

One point our speaker made at the retreat is that God's not calling me to do, do, do.  He's calling me to be.

To be His daughter.  To be in His presence.

Look at the Bible passage about Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42.
Oh, this story has always made me squirm.

Because, like Martha, I'm a doer.  I think of all the work that needs to be done.  And I try to do it.  And then I get ticked off when others aren't doing their fair share.

In this passage, Martha is feeling the same way.  And Jesus totally calls her out on it, and says she can stop trying to do it all.  He never asked her to do it all.  In fact He doesn't want her to do it all.  He wants her to just be.  To sit at His feet and to be with Him.

Oh, Lord, can I do that?  Is it possible to overlook the messy house and the overflowing baskets of laundry and the over-scheduled calendar to focus on what You have truly called me to do??



My friend Lisa-Jo just wrote about NOT Doing It All.  Her honesty was much appreciated and needed.  The part that impacted me the most was kind of some behind-the-scenes information.  The "story behind the photo" if you will.

A couple days prior she had posted a photo of her sweet kiddos all lined up in a row, sitting nicely on the couch, all happy and well fed with bowls of food in their laps.  It was cute.  Of course.


Then I found out the story behind the photo:  Lisa-Jo had just gotten home from traveling out of town for a few days to a conference where she was a speaker.  Though she was delighted to be home and with her kids again, she was also exhausted.  She got Chinese take-out, put it in bowls, lined them up on the couch with dinner and Netflix while she napped.

Can I get a "Hallelujah" for a nap?
Can I get a "Hallelujah" for such honesty?
Can I get a "Hallelujah" for takeout and tv for those moments when we just can't do it all and we need to be real and ok with that?

Another friend's husband recently posted "Judging by my facebook feed, if you haven't taken your kids to an apple orchard or a pumpkin patch yet this fall, you're a horrible parent."  Though obviously tongue-in-cheek, it puts into explicit words what we may be feeling tinges of when we compare our lives to those showing up in our newsfeed.

I can't allow others' snippets of life and snapshots momentarily on display to decide the expectations of my day-to-day reality.

Lord, help me to know what YOU expect of me.  May I strive for only the things that bring glory to you.

Wow, what a day!  With my spirited toddler at her grandparents for the day, I had dreams of going vintage and resale shopping in Elkhart with my good friend Kate.  But now I'm thinking the day would have been less stressful if I had instead stayed home with the toddler.

It started in a most bizarre way, as Kate's first words to me were, "Did you know you have a huge chunk of ham in your driveway?"

In case you were wondering, the answer was no.  I did not know.

But she was right.


Up next was a soft pretzel from Ben's.  Great choice.

But next came hitting the worst pothole on US 33.  Hard.  I saw it at the last second and tried to dodge it, but I wasn't fast enough.  Sigh...

I saw my hubcap or something go rolling in my rear view mirror.  I knew it was unfortunate.  But then the car started shaking.  Darnit.  My tire was ruined. I guess this is what I get for pawning off my daughter and trying to have a day of indulgent shopping.


So glad my friend was with me, as my thinking slows down in situations like that.  She suggested to manuever my car around and turn off 33 and head into the Kohl's and Target parking lot.

Hey, if you're gonna be stranded, Target is a good place to be near.  Am I right?

So we made it into the lot by a huge dirty snow pile.  From there I spent a few minutes on the phone trying to get answers on our insurance coverage.  I spent more time listening to menu options than actually talking to a real person.  Finally got the answer I was expecting - no coverage.  I had recently heard about my friend's experience with pothole damage costing him over $1,000.  Just dandy.

I knew I couldn't bother Josh with any of this because this is one of his busiest weekends for work, and there would be nothing he could do to help me anyways.

In life I believe it's helpful to have connections with certain kind of people.  For example I'm glad I have a Lawyer Friend and a Police Officer Friend and a Doctor Friend for their occupational expertise and advice.  I quickly sent a text to our Car Repair Friend for his advice.

Unsure how else to spend the time, Kate and I walked to Target.  Of course.

After browsing the $1 section, I saw our Snow Plow Friend heading out of the store.  I quickly remembered he's also a Construction Friend, Handyman Friend, and basically a Jack-of-all-Trades Friend.  I yelled out his name across the store.  When you're desperate, you don't care about decorum.

I then proceeded to watch the fastest tire change I'd ever witnessed.  He gave me the name of a great place where I could go for a fix.  I put air in the spare (Josh should be so proud), called the tire shop, and left Target without even shopping and still with my unfinished Ben's pretzel from about 90 minutes prior.

Kate kindly kept me company at the tire shop, for which I am so grateful.  It's not the sort of place I'd really want to hang out alone.  They had "Friday the 13th" playing on the TV in the waiting corner - no separate lobby or waiting room; we were definitely just hanging out in a garage for an hour.  I was so grateful Catherine wasn't with me there.

After watching them do things I didn't know were possible, the guys were finished and gave me a bill. $60 later we were on our way out.

A non-moving train kept us extending our visit to the other side of the tracks for awhile longer, and we then reached the sad conclusion that we didn't have enough time to do any of our shopping in Elkhart.  Sigh...

What a day.


But boy am I grateful no one was hurt in our drama on the road.  Grateful there was a safe parking lot nearby that we made it to.  Grateful that our friend and I crossed paths at precisely the right time at Target.  Grateful for his DIY skills and recommendation of the affordable tire shop.  Grateful Kate was with me and Catherine wasn't.  Grateful all of this could be taken care of without having to add another stressor to Josh's day.  And grateful for that Ben's pretzel, which I finally finished eating.

Now, what to do with the ham...

Valentine's Day, 2014:

I did NOT . . .

• decorate the house with red balloons while the family slept
• make pink heart shaped pancakes with sprinkles
• make heart shaped sandwiches
• make heart shaped pizza
• make heart shaped brownies
• make homemade Valentines cards
• buy Valentines cards
• buy Valentines gifts
• shower

Instead I . . .

• got a special treat with Little Girl - Rise n Roll donuts from the local gas station
• talked to her about who loves her
• thanked Jesus for His love
• danced, sang, and ran around with my daughter
• let her nap in mommy & daddy's bed
• fell asleep next to her and slept right through her getting up, going downstairs, and getting into a bag of pretzel m & m's
• woke up in a panic to discover her downstairs entertaining my in-laws who had arrived to babysit for the evening  (GULP!!!)
• hid out upstairs mortified until hubby got home from work
• cried most of the way to dinner
• was encouraged by my husband, calmed down, laughed, and enjoyed a wonderful dinner and an entire hour meandering around Target - ok, maybe the free wine samples at dinner helped too!

That's just the reality of my day.  We see so much of the Super Mom portrayed out there on the Interwebs, but that's not always the reality.  We Instagram the perfect pictures, not the mistakes.  I didn't want Catherine's chocolate covered face and shirt photo documented for all eternity (or until my hard drive crashes); I just wanted to wipe it up as quickly as possible as if it never happened.  We share our awesome moments but of course not our failures.  So when we inevitably fail, we feel it.  We feel it bad.  I told Josh I was feeling like a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.  Not only did my in-laws have to let themselves in to my house (fail) and find their granddaughter by herself (fail), in need of a diaper change (fail) and covered in melted red and green candy coating (fail), but they also saw an unkempt house (fail) and an unkempt daughter-in-law (fail).

I felt like a big pile of failures.

But not making heart shaped pancakes doesn't mean I'm a failure.  Not making heart shaped pancakes doesn't mean I don't love my child.  I can show love to my husband and daughter without heart shaped pancakes.

My love isn't measured in heart shaped pancakes.

Heart shaped pancakes are fleeting.


I know making heart shaped pancakes might be a fun memory making activity for your family, but I hope my love for my daughter can be felt with meaningful conversations and time spent together. 

Do I have anything against heart shaped pancakes or those who make them?  Absolutely not.  I love pancakes, and I'd gladly eat heart shaped ones.  Maybe someday I'll even try making them.  But I'm not going to let myself feel mom guilt for not measuring up to somebody else's ways of showing love to their family.

I really didn't plan on sharing all about today's failures; in fact, it's quite embarrassing.  But I need reminders that it's okay to have those tough days with the failing moments and the non-heart-shaped donuts.  And maybe, just maybe, you need that reminder as badly as I do.