I keep opening all these tabs on my computer with articles like

• How to Simplify Christmas
• Christmas Traditions
• Simplifying Christmas Traditions 
• What You Really Need this Christmas
• What You Don't Need this Christmas
• How to Simplify Your Kids' Christmas
• Clutter-Free Gifts for this Christmas
• Creating a Meaningful Christmas

And in the process I'm cluttering up my computer screen, my mind, my feeling of having more on that blasted To Do list; I've gotta read all these articles now and implement them into our lives - quickly, like last month!  And figure out what to do when some of the different articles by different authors contradict each other.  Gah!  Hello, stress!

And, for the love of Martha Steweart, WHAT do people mean when they say, "Are you ready for Christmas?"

Clearly I will NEVER be ready!

And then I got to thinking...

What if I stop trying to do all these things that other people keep telling me I have to do?

(And most of these people are people who I don't even know in real life!)

Oh, the freedom.
Oh, the release.

Letting go of somebody else's expectations.

Letting go of my own expectations.

My daughter is four.  She doesn't have any expectations honestly!  This is the first year she's shown interest in anticipation of Christmas.  She doesn't care how many different goodies we bake (or if we bake any!).  She doesn't care about the number of gifts she gets or what kind of gifts she gets (although, she would probably enjoy it more if it's more than just clothes.  Even I remember not getting too excited about clothes at Christmas time!).  She doesn't care about making sure we have traditions.  She barely knows about Santa, let alone an Elf on the Shelf (thank goodness, because I am NOT about to do that thing!).

What if, instead of planning what events we fill our family's schedule with for Christmas Eve, we instead spent time with our each other and off our screens?

What if we made memories as a family, instead of being jealous of others' families posted on Instagram?

What if we looked at our loved ones' faces, rather than at Facebook?

What if we just relax and be, instead of plan and do?

If I say the focus of Christmas is celebrating Christ's coming to earth, do I show I believe it by what I do?  Or am I making our culture's traditions and expectations the priority of this season?

You can add this blog post to your own To Do list - another article telling you what to do or not do this Christmas.  Or you can be encouraged by it and contemplate your own priorities and expectations and choose to focus on what really matters.

I just can't even.

Tonight I told Josh, "It feels like I'm drowning."

I don't know what it is.

Tonight's post will just be a jumpled up mess.

Oops, is that supposed to be jumbled?

Overwhelmed.

Sinking.

I say, "My plate is full."

Ha, it's overflowing.  Things are falling off my plate and making a big mess.

Decluttering isn't just about material objects in my home.  It's more than knick-knacks collecting dust, or toys and clothes that have been outgrown.  It's just as much as it is about decluttering my schedule.  Decluttering my commitments.  Decluttering my mind.

You probably saw this meltdown coming.  Way back in September, right?

I have way too many commitments.  Too many areas of involvement.  Too many things on my To Do list.  It's not possible for me to get them done.  So then they're constantly on my mind and nagging at me and hovering over me and weighing me down!

And then new ideas and new pursuits and new passions are growing inside of me.  But how on earth can I try to seek them out when my life is so stinking full already?!?

I quit.

I just have to figure out what exactly I'm quitting.  What I'm letting go of.  What I'll be releasing.

And how.  And when.

So, my last post was apparently a big hit.  But I write about more than infertility.  Infertility does not define me.  And even though the last two blog posts had the word "pee" in them, I promise that's not a usual topic.  Sidenote:  now, that's three blogs in a row containing the word "pee."  I have really got to quit that!

One area that I've been pursuing for the last few months is the area of minimalism and decluttering our house.

The hard part about decluttering is the process it takes to get there.

Because I have a full life and a full schedule, the decluttering process spreads over many days or weeks (or an entire summer; yah, I'm looking at you, Summer of 2015).  And you end up living like this for a sad, sad amount of time:

Bin after bin after basket after box . . .

The easy part about de-cluttering is realizing how much stuff you don't need.  It took just a few seconds to skim through the Target ad today.  We went for some dishwasher detergent and a clip to hang a wreath on the front door.  When I was looking at the weekly ad posted inside the entryway, I didn't have to look at the CDs on sale - because I can listen to anything online.  I didn't have to look at the movies on sale - because I can rent from the library or Redbox.  And I didn't have to look at the books on sale - because I can rent those too from the library of course.

No pondering over trying to make the best decision.  It was an easy decision!

Decluttering is not easy, but I'm making progress.  I hope to share more updates as I continue the journey.

After a disastrous family trip to Kohl's this evening, I asked Josh if I could run into the Dollar Store real quick.

"Sure, what for?"

Silence.

"Hello?" he tried again, while I tried to figure out how to respond.

"I can't tell you," I said defensively.  "Christmas is coming."

The truth was I didn't want to give him a false sense of hope.  Again.


I'm cheap.
I compare prices.
I buy based on what's on sale.
Paying full price for something is a foreign concept to me.

So, when I found out the Dollar Store carries pregnancy tests I started buying them there.

No sense spending a whole lot more to get a name brand from another store.
Especially for something that I literally pee on and throw away.
Truthfully, I don't want to put a lot of investment in it because it always ends up disappointing.

For some reason our Dollar Store now moved their pregnancy tests to behind the cash registers.  As in, you have to A) already know they carry them and then B) ask an employee for it by name.  While closely surrounded by other people.

My husband has a public job and is known by a lot of people in this community.  Being married to him makes me also susceptable to being known by a lot of people.  People who I've never met.  There's no privacy for me in this town.  I never know when I'm known.

Sometimes I just don't want to be known.


I wait in line and smile warmly at the young girl behind the register when it's my turn.  I try to use a hushed tone and turn my back to anybody behind me.

"Could I get a pregnancy test?" I'm suddenly timid and nervous.

"Just one?"

I hate that question.

The answer to it is dependent upon the result of the first test.  Which is, obviously, unknown.  That's kinda the whole reason I'm there.

My frugality wins out and I always end up just getting one.
And then regretting it the next time I need one.
Because it means I have to go through this whole scenario again.

"Yah, just one."  I feel I have to provide some sort of explanation, as additional words tumble out of my mouth.  "I don't know why I just get one..."

The young girl tries to be empathetic, "I hear ya.  I hear ya."  She smiles.  I smile.  And pay her my $1.07.

She has no idea.

Does she know the eager anticipation mixed with dread when I prepare to take the test?

Does she know afterwards I quickly put all the contents back into the bag and stuff it into the trash, trying to forget all about it?  Again.  And again.  And again.

Does she know I loathe the term "only child"?

Does she know I cringed filling out a paper this week for my daughter's pre-school class that said,
"My name is     Catherine    .
I have    0   brothers and    0   sisters."

Does she know the paralysis I have currently while wondering what to do with our four year old's outgrown car seat, stroller, crib, and highchair?

Or does she think, "Her period's late; hopes she's not preggers."?

Some people can time out their pregnancies perfectly, "We decided to have February babies so that my maternity leave will coincide with ....." or "We wanted our children to be two years apart."

That amazes me.

It amazes me because I have very little control over our situation, and to think someone else can control theirs so perfectly is unfathomable.

Some friends recently shared with us news of their pregnancy.  It's supposed to be an exciting announcement.  Our response is supposed to be elation and surprise and joy.

And instead it was sadness.
Emptiness.
And a feeling of loss and missing out.

I don't know why this is the path God has us on.
But I know I felt compelled to share this tonight.
Maybe someone walking this same path needed to read it.

If that's the case, please allow me to extend to you, "I hear ya.  I hear ya." And a smile.
Know you're not alone in this sad struggle.
May we find fulfillment and wholeness in our identify in Christ, rather than the size of our family.

photo by Peter Ringenberg

I want to be in a Book Club, but it's pretty rare that I actually finish books.  When I am reading and actually do complete a book, I am quite proud of my accomplishment.

Maybe I should be in a Movie Club instead.  Well, actually I don't watch movies frequently either.

Hmm, maybe I just want to be in a club.

I like people, and I like talking with people.

Let me be your friend.

Anybody else remember that sketch on Saturday Night Live with Adam Sandler and Chris Farley?  "Let me water your plants."  "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE BOY WATER YOUR PLANTS!"

Please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that!?

It's November 19th, and I'm still wearing sandals.  I figure until we get snow on the ground, I'll keep showing my toes.  Especially since they look pretty.



November 19th sounds familiar.  I think it was maybe our due date for Catherine.  I feel like most people would remember important dates like that.  I'm not so good with dates or numbers or remembering things.

Somebody bought my drink today at a local coffee house.

For a mom of a toddler

I don't know who, but I'm grateful.  Grateful for the free coffee and for the reminder:

Enjoy these years; your time is a gift.

This local coffee house has a bulletin board by the cash register with random drinks posted for particular people.  For example, "Drink for a cancer survivor." or "Drink for a firefighter" or "Drink for a police officer."  It was a nice little treat to find one I could use.

Today is a momentous day for me.  It's the first day since Friday that I'm going about my day without physical assistance.

Friday evening I injured my back.  Just scooting back in my seat in my vehicle, I felt sudden pain.  Within a couple hours I couldn't stand up straight.  Saturday morning I couldn't walk.  No, literally, COULD.NOT.WALK.  I got to a point where I said to Josh while laying in bed mid-morning, "I don't know how I'm going to pee!!"  I crawled to the bathroom.

Since then I've fluctuated between really bad, bad, and ok.  Josh helped me over the weekend, and my parents have been helping since he's been back at work.  I'm definitely doing better today, and I feel good mentally and emotionally about where things are and that I'm getting help and getting better.

I've had back pain off and on over the years, but it was never this bad.  It was scary.  My back was fine if I was laying down, but you can't live life laying down.

In addition, Catherine was sick this week.  She's had serious past breathing problems, so I'm always extra cautious when it comes to her health.

Getting the two of us better has been my priority this week, and work has been almost non-existent.  But now that I'm doing better, I can turn my attention back to that.

Oh, and I'm happy to report that our washing machine was able to be fixed!  That was a long month without one!!

Things I Love Right Now

• pockets (sadly, 99% of what I wear doesn't have pockets.  However, I have a pair of pants that are thicker and, therefore, worn more during the colder months that has pockets.  Needless to say, I've been delighted to wear them in the recent days.)

• apple cider (I just had my first of the season.  Always a great fall staple!)
  
• updates from old friends (just heard from a friend from long ago in California)

• dance parties with my family (in the kitchen, in the car, at Charissa's reception... There has been a lot of family dancing lately.  It's so fun!)

• the phrase "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful." (I am holding on tight to this one from The Nester as I update our home.)

• updating my Linked In profile (never thought I'd have any interest in this, and it wasn't my plan to even have a Linked In profile, but with my new job, comes lots of new things, and I've realized it is a good thing to boost my online professional appearance.)

• hearing Catherine sing (Lately she's always asking for a CD.  I didn't realize how quickly she was learning new songs until yesterday when she could suddenly sing about 80% of a song she just started listening to.  And it was from a CD of choir songs from my time in LA.)

• making decor updates to our home (in addition to changing our guest bedroom to my office, I'm trying to determine which furniture and other items we can part with.  I also finally painted our front door!)

  Ta-da!  Hooray for this Not a DIY-er!!

• embracing my unique style (Josh and I rarely agree on the same things, so it's not surprising then that we have different styles when it comes to how to decorate and arrange our home.  He has just started to give me more free reign, and I've been strongly drawn to some very unique things - artwork and chairs, specifically.  I'm learning it's ok to have my own quirky style, and it's ok to enjoy quirky things.  One of these days, I'll post pictures of the crazy unique additions.

• my boss (as I struggle to be a professional again and to figure out child care and family dynamics, I'm so grateful for an encouraging boss who sees my positive qualities and seeks to bring out the best in me.  It is a big time of transition, but he is patient and believes that family is a bigger priority than a job.)

When you chew out your father for feeding your daughter dinner . . . you know you're not ok.

I am struggling and stressing and messing up as I try to figure out arrangements for child care while I work from home.

Fortunately, my dad is a very patient, gracious person, and when I apologized to him later he acknowledged that I'm just trying to do the best I can and that I am indeed doing a good job.

Bless his heart.

My current road in life is bumpy.
And curvy.
And slippery.

I'm thankful for rest areas along the way.

And I'm hopeful that the next road will be a bit smoother.
For whenever I get there.

Well, I was on a blogging roll for awhile there.

Maybe it will return.  Sometime.

For now, I continue working and wife-ing and mom-ing.  Lots of learning and adjusting

Josh was off all last week for Fall Break.  He had a birthday.  We enjoyed free "hot donuts now" at Krispy Kreme "late" one night.  Because we could.



We went to Indianapolis for a mini family vacay (cross that off the summer to do list) and my sister-in-law's sister's wedding.  I cried at the wedding and danced at the reception.  I recalled my own wedding.  It's amusing how some of the details are so sketchy (Did we partake in the tradition of kissing when glasses are tapped?  Did we have anything glass at the reception?).  And some details will never leave my memory.

Catherine with her cousins

s'mores as wedding favor

We stayed at a great hotel and had dinner at Cheesecake Factory.  We ooh'ed and ahh'ed over items at Crate & Barrel, and then I informed my husband that I'm very content living a life that does not include spending $5100 on a sofa, just in case he needed reassurance.

Date Night

Catherine's birthday party is quickly coming up - less than two weeks.  So, I'll need to be thinking more about that soon.  We're having the party at a local restaurant/cafe/bakery.  I kept the guest list very short.  It will be a short and sweet - and salty - party.

But of course I can't do anything simply.  So, I plan to make goodie bags/favors for guests.

I'm currently working on a Moms Night Out for my weekly moms' group and planning our church's ladies' Christmas party.

Our washing machine quit working 2 weeks ago.  Mid-cycle.  Just to keep things interesting I guess.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.  And the next couple weeks.

mothering is hard.

fathering is hard.

life is hard.

i'm just shaking my head at my not quite four year old daughter's behavior tonight...

um, like a teenager's behavior.

this is payback for how i treated my mom as a child.  right?  it must be.

ugh.

this day also included our washing machine quitting.  while full of laundry and water.

and it was my first day at my new work-from-home job.

my parents were here to help watch C.

yesterday Josh's parents were here to help move furniture.

i don't know where we'd be without our parents' help.

this evening we went to look at washers and dryers.  catherine was not a fan.

followed by groceries.

and more work.

tomorrow will be easier.  right?

We no longer have a guest room.

Instead, this is now my office.

In addition to needing to spend focused time working on Women's Ministry and my Mamas' Group (have I mentioned I'm on the leadership team for that?), as well as wanting to spend focused time on writing, I now have a part-time, work-from-home job.


And I know in order to actually work, I need a designated place to do the work.

So, here it is.  Definitely a work in progress!  But it's good for now, and I'll keep adding my personal touch to it.

As for my job, I will be doing a lot of hands-on details in running a website for job postings in Northwest Indiana.  The marketing and social media aspects excite me, but I'm also very aware how much I have to learn.

It's been 3 1/2 years since I worked outside the home, and 5 years since I've been in something more like this kind of work.  In all honesty, I'm scared.

Late this afternoon I just reached a place of utter exhaustion and fear.  I suggested Catherine pick out a movie.  I snuggled up on the couch under like five blankets and let myself nap to escape the reality.

But I don't want fear to win.
I'm reminding myself that God made me brave.
God made me to shine.

The same verse I have shared with Catherine I now remind myself of:

Awhile ago I did these lists of "Things I Like Right Now".  I thought I'd post another.

• home decor
• "You're a Good, Good Father"
• re-thinking home decor
• peace
• baskets/containers
• re-arranging things from room to room
• crazy artwork
• rest
• space
• date night
• getting stuff out of our house
• Zillow
• pad thai
• watching football with Catherine
• small town Wakarusa, IN
• getting deals at yard sales
• Ben's soft pretzels
• the quote "not my monkey, not my circus"
• snuggling up with a soft, cozy blanket
• being encouraged, affirmed, and built-up
• encouraging other women
• "No Longer Slaves"
• finding my adventure
• a second cup of coffee
• deepening friendships

I watched a you tube video about painting a door that said the prep work was the most important step.

Apparently my prep work includes watching you tube instructional videos and reading articles via Pinterest on how to paint a front door.

Today's steps also included putting on my paint clothes and taking the "before" pictures.



Not sure when I'll do the actual painting.  Before that I have to wash the door.  And washing anything is not very appealing to me.  As I told Josh last night, "I'm lucky I wash myself.  I don't wash anything else. ... You're lucky I wash myself."

Within just a couple of months I have gone from mocking desks to wanting my own.

What?  Who mocks desks??

...sheepishly raising hand...

It was not that long ago that I said, "Who needs a desk?!?  Anything you'd do at a desk you can just do at a kitchen table."  I basically felt like desks were pointless.

And now I'm actually contemplating turning our guest room into my office.

Because this:

Yikes

Oh the horror.  I can't believe I just shared that with you.

That is my makeshift wannabe office.  And, clearly, it's not working well.

It's in our living room.  In the middle of our living.  Surrounded by toys.  And clutter.  And life.  And distractions.  The physical clutter causes mental clutter.  And I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

I long for a space that is mine.

I long for peace.
Quiet.
Stillness.
Calm.

A clean slate and a clean space.
To create.
To focus.
To work.

I blame The Nester.  I just finished her book.  Her motto is "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful."  Her words and methods are inspiring me to change things up in my home.  I got her book from the library, but I wouldn't mind actually owning a copy to use as a resource.  I'm a fan of being able to underline, circle, and star things in books.  I guess that's the little bit of creativity in me.

Maybe it will go on my Christmas Wish List.

There were professional photographers taking fabulous pictures at Saturday's lovely co-ed bridal shower.  But who knows when/if I'll ever have those photos in my possession.  So, I'm sharing the few pictures that I took in the midst of the craziness of last minute details.

My sister-in-law Jen's sister Charissa is getting married in Indy next month, and lots of her friends around here had yet to meet her fiance, so I thought a co-ed shower was the perfect solution.  I offered to host and convinced Jen to host with me.  We make a good team!

I always love brunch.  Except for the fact that it means less time to get things ready.  But beyond that, it provides so much flexibility and fun and general lightheartedness.

We went with a rustic theme, and I got to use a bunch of mason jars for the first time.  Yah, I know, I'm a few years behind when it comes to trends.

Oh well.

The first food idea that really started the whole menu was this bad boy:

oh, YES, that IS chicken + waffles!

That branched into kind of a comfort food theme, adding in some favorites of the bride-to-be.

Our full spread consisted of both savory and sweet:

• mini quiche (rosemary + tomato and bacon + cheddar
• mini mac n cheese bites
• chicken + waffles
• fruit skewers
• yogurt parfaits
• mini muffins (banana nut and lemon poppy seed)
• monkey bread
• cranberry almond coffee cake
• finished with a variety of cupcakes

Bunting courtesy of Monkey and Lamb

"Savory"

"Sweet"

I love menus on display.

There's just something so pretty about yogurt parfaits and fresh fruit.

"You are the icing to my cupcake."

Yah, lots of love right there.

I can't do two events in five days.

Especially when I'm sick.

Saturday's bridal shower was awesome.  I'm so grateful for so much help from others.  I can't even imagine getting through it without their help.

Saturday night Catherine started getting sick.

Now I have it.

And my first Women's Ministry event is in two days.

Of course I'm no where near ready.

Because all my focus has been on Saturday's event. And Catherine's health.  And now my own.

And because I don't do well with church politics.  And bureaucracy.  And trying to navigate my way down the proper channels of communication and permission.

Sometimes it's just easiest for me to do my own thing instead of trying to follow somebody else's arbitrary preferences.

I have a voice.  Let it be heard.

I have gifts.  Let them be shared.

I have passion.  Let it be used.

If this is offensive to you, blame my fever.  Or the strong odor of my perfume that Catherine got into while I was resting.  But you're probably not one of my regular readers anyways.

Now I'm gonna curl back up in my blankets.

This evening I went to a funeral visitation.

It wasn't something I was excited about.
It wasn't something I really even wanted to do.

But I know it's important.

I know it matters.

I remember losing the only Grandpa I ever knew.
I remember losing my Grandma.
I remember losing my Uncle.
I remember losing my other Grandma.
I remember losing Josh's Grandpa,
Josh's Grandma,
Josh's Uncle.

I remember thinking, "Maybe one of my friends will show up at the funeral or visitation.  Or send flowers.  Or a card."

Is that too much to ask?

It would have helped.
It would have meant so much.
Just to see a familiar face.
To see a friend.
To see that someone cared.

I've been to funerals or visitations of people I've never met.

But they were loved by others whom I love.

And as a way of showing my love, care, and concern, I go.
I show up.

Even when I don't want to.
Even when it's awkward and not easy and I have to answer uncomfortable questions from my curious daughter who is attending a visitation with me.

I force myself to go to funerals because it matters.

It makes a difference.

It's seen.

And it's appreciated.

A few weeks ago my status on facebook said something like, "Planning a bridal shower, Catherine's birthday party, my mom's birthday party, and two women's events.  I'm in heaven."

It was heaven then, but as the events get closer, they always morph into something else.

It's crunch time for the bridal shower now.  Three days away.  I'm excited about it, but there is much to be done.

Decided to use this stash that I had gotten over multiple purchases, all on clearance

My sister-in-law Jen is co-hosting with me, and we are having the event at her church.  It definitely alleviates some stress to not have to hold an event in your home.  No worries about cleaning up your house - on top of everything else that has to be done for event prep.  But it does add a new set of challenges.

We planned on starting set-up Wednesday or Thursday, working all day Friday, and then doing last minute food Saturday morning.  However, we hadn't planned for the unexpected:  death.

Yep, there's going to be a funeral and funeral dinner at the church Friday evening.  Definitely out of our control.

So, we will head over after her kiddos and mine are in bed, work late Friday night, get up early (painful for me) Saturday, and work til the shower starts at 11.


The overwhelmed paralysis has set in.  I just keep adding to my lists of "Things To Do" and "Things To Take". 

Fortunately, Jen and I make a great team when it comes to events, and she's able to do much to help.  Also her mom and sister Stephanie are helping with a couple items.  This special event is to celebrate her sister Charissa's upcoming marriage.  A lot of Charissa's family friends in this area haven't met her fiance, so we decided to include him and make it co-ed.

I'm going with kind of a rustic, comfort-food theme.  Nothing overly frilly or fancy, since there will be men there.  I'm excited to be trying some new things for this event.  But I'm also well aware of how much still needs to be done!  It will be a night of little sleep.

When it's over tomorrow, I will rest.

And then start focusing on next week's event.

I was giddy when I realized today's date in my calendar/agenda book was blank.

I had thought about doing certain things today since I had the time and availability, but then I remembered I don't need to be the one to step up and come to the rescue.

As my mom recently started saying, "It's not my monkey, and it's not my circus."

Bam!

So, instead I enjoyed my day off.

Catherine & I slept in, lounged around, read, played, enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company, and one of us even enjoyed an iced coffee.

I didn't check my email.  I didn't check my facebook.

I know full well that there are many things there to deal with, but I decided it could wait til evening.

It was an awesome liberating feeling.

Instead I got to enjoy a few chapters from this lovely inspiration, picked up from yesterday's library visit.


And I even planned dinner, albeit leftovers.

And now as Josh & Catherine are at their Wednesday night church, I relax by writing to the sound of the ceiling fan spinning round and round.

I promised myself after the last post that the next post I would write would be called, "Fighting Fear."  But instead I'm inspired to write something else.

I just sat down and exhaled.

Truly exhaled.

For what felt like the first time today.

And it's almost 1:30 in the afternoon.

I am looking desperately for balance and not yet grasping it.

If I had a smart phone or knew how to take (and FIND) screen shots, I would insert a map that showed my travels for today.

The day started off early, which I never like.  I contemplated resetting the alarm clock and actually enjoying a couple more hours of sleep (especially since my child was at her grandparents'), but I made a commitment for this morning, so I kept it.

I headed west a couple cities over for a new Bible Study.   But I know I can't keep that up weekly.  That is my reality.  I AM MAXED.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  And really maybe I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

After Bible Study I had to hurry off for a Shop the House meet.  This is a local group that meets to sell or buy items.  Kind of like a local craigslist.  We have been pursuing purging in our household, so this time instead of buying I'm actually selling.

Then I had to hurry to my folks' house, scarf down lunch/brunch (not that I had eaten breakfast), hurry Catherine along, and rush out for the next time constraint.

Preschool.

But before that, another new commitment:  picking up a classmate of hers.  So, I had to drive a new route, so focused on the newness of it all that I almost didn't see a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes.  That is so not me, by the way!

Then find the classmate's babysitter's house, figure out his car seat, and get them to pre-school.

Then we had to wait, since there's just a 5 minute window for preschool drop-off (unless you're one of the parents who ignore that rule and just show up, drop off, and leave whenever you darn well like).

After both kids were in the seats, and the classmate's car seat was out of my van, I came to the local library to hang out.

Because now I try to basically kill time for two afternoons a week.

So, I found the local library, found a table, sat down, and exhaled.

Hallelujah!

I don't know.  Are you getting any sense as to why I've been experiencing anxiety lately?

Last week I couldn't even relax during the preschool wait time because I was too stressed about having to stay aware of how much time I had left, what time I had to leave, what route I had to take, etc. etc.

This has to end!  Somehow.  Lord, help me.

(And I haven't even mentioned today's evening activities...)

So, there are a ton of things that I struggle with.  But it really wasn't that long ago that I realized fear was not one of my struggles.

So, of course that had to change.

I don't know if it was due to pride or just a change in my season of life or what, but suddenly my being has become full of fear and anxiety.

The last week has been really really hard. Like, some days I'm surprised I'm still going.

Tonight, it's a whole new fear, and it's keeping me up late.

For I know once I wake up I have to face a fear.  A big fear.

Off and on over the last year or so, I've been dealing with some pretty crappy situations regarding my health.  I'm sparing you the details.  They went away for awhile but came back.

In the last couple weeks I've gone through some tests, and everything has come back clear.

Tomorrow is one more test.  And I'm afraid of it.

I'm afraid of it not coming back clear.

But I think even more so I'm also afraid of it being clear and fine just like all the others.

Because that means still no answers.

And I don't know which terrifies me more:  an official name of a diagnosis or no known cause of said crappy health problems.

After tomorrow's test there will be a discussion of options.  Which, of course, is another part that scares me.

The thing is...  there are no good options.  There are crushing, devastating, drastic options that mean the end of our chances at our family's growth.

And I'm not ready for that possibility.

I'm not ready for that decision to be made by someone else and for us to be forced into it.

I'm not ready to quit and give up.

So tonight I'm praying for clarity,
for guidance,
for peace,
for sleep,
and rest.

Sometimes balance is hard.

That's the season I'm in right now.

Man, life is busy.

And that from a person who really strives to say no to things.

I'm really happy to be doing some things that I enjoy tremendously.  I'm now in charge of Women's Ministry at our church.  This still cracks me up.

I'm also on the planning team for my weekly mamas' group.


I also plan the Moms' Night Out events for that.

I'm entering my 2nd year serving on the team from our church that serves a local elementary school.  I somehow slipped into the role of interim leader...  I'm trying to get out of that, but it's taking awhile since there is no other interim leader.  I'd be happiest just getting to do my little things to encourage the teachers.  Last year we I did handwritten notes of encouragement and Bible verses to all the staff.  I put together little cups of flavored hot cocoa for them.

Go ahead - click on the pic to read the cheesy note!

I obtained gift cards for the staff for a local pretzel shop and a local coffee house.  We also did little treats and notes around Thanksgiving, as well as cards for Christmas and Easter.  And then there was the ice cream party I organized for the whole school of 500.

Trunk full of ice cream

The more involved I am, the more I realize what I truly enjoy doing and the more I try to embrace those things.  I am an encourager.  I am a planner.  I create cute things and cute events.  I write.  I blog.  I mother.

And with mothering a now pre-schooler, there comes a whole new set of responsibilities to manage.  Paying monthly tuition (gulp!), keeping track of special days, parties, assignments (show and tell of an object starting with the first letter of your name, for example), in addition to remembering to pick her up on time (I'm gonna have to set an alarm on my phone).

So, things feel a little full right now.

We're taking a break from gymnastics.  This makes me sad, but I also know we need some sanity around here.

Josh and Catherine are attending Wednesday night church, while I'm taking a break and trying to use that time to work on some of the above ministry tasks.

Josh wanted us to attend a new Sunday School class, but I had to say, "My plate is full.  You can attend it without me if you'd like."

I'm trying to find more crock-pot recipes to help with the busyness of it all.  Tonight's meal is bourbon chicken over rice (Note to self:  make sure we have enough rice!).  When I pinned and suggested it, I assumed Josh would be making it.  So when I was putting it all together this morning, I had to text Josh with about half a dozen questions. I'm so grateful my husband is one who does a ton around the house and doesn't complain when I don't!

Sometimes I just have to force myself to say, "Ok, task #14 didn't get done today.  I can't do everything.  I have to be ok with that.  Tomorrow is a new day.  We'll work on task #14 tomorrow.  I'll enlist the help of a grandparent or two to entertain Catherine while I can accomplish some things."

It helps when I feel less stressed and more organized.  There is peace that comes with being prepared.  So, since that was yesterday when task #14 didn't get done, I'd better go do it now!

Yes, Daddy took part of the day off to join us for this monumental occasion!

Finding her name

"Why are they still taking my picture?..."

Pre-school is fun!

I could write paragraph after paragraph, page after page, post after post about all I'm doing wrong.

Seriously.  I don't cook.  I don't clean.  I complain.  And I procrastinate.

Some days my daughter practically drags me out of bed.

I nag my husband.

I don't exercise.

I eat out too much.

I don't budget.

There are all sorts of failures in every possible category.

But, for a change, can I just focus on something I'm doing right?

I can't resist a picture of sleeping beauty.

Tonight with both Josh and Catherine in bed and me still downstairs working on an upcoming event, I kept hearing random noises coming from upstairs.
Curiosity got the best of me, and I tried to tiptoe up the old creaky steps in our 110 year old farmhouse.  Fortunately, Catherine's sound machine and fan covered up the creaking, so she had no idea I was standing outside her bedroom door.

What I saw and what I heard made my soul rejoice.

Catherine lay in her bed with her nightlight on, surrounded by books and bears and blankets.  She was reading aloud The Prayer that Makes God Smile, underlining words with her finger, moving left to right, row after row as she read her own version of the story.

I love hearing her read, seeing what she remembers of books, and what she improvises.

I love seeing her mimic how we read to her.

I love that she gets how it works to see the letters on the pages and know that they make up the words we say.

But what I loved the most is the message she kept proclaiming tonight.

Yes, she really fell asleep like that one night.

"We have to eat every good thing.  Like apples and oranges and bananas.  Chips are ok.  Hummus is healthy."  She's been really interested in labeling food as "healthy" or "junk food" thanks to borrowing my parents' The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food.

"We have to obey our mommy and daddy.  We have to do what is right.  We have to obey God."  I started thinking of conversations I'd initiate tomorrow to talk about why we should obey.

"God always loves you.  God always protects you.  He protects you during the day, and He protects you at night.  He protects you from bees.

"He is with you always.  You can talk to Him all the time.  He listens to you all the time.  And He loves you all the time.  He is our provider, our helper, and our King.

"He loves you, guides you, and protects you.  Jesus died on the cross for you.  And He loves you always.  He loves you forever.  As long as I'm living, my Jesus He'll be."

She continued sharing the same positive message, some of which was borrowed from I'll Love You Forever  also from my folks' collection.

It was so encouraging to realize that she's hearing the message.

She's hearing it from Josh and me.  From her grandparents.  And aunts and uncles.  From her summer Wednesday church program.  From her teachers at Children's Church.  From the daily devotionals we have together.

We're doing something right!

And this "something" is a very important thing.

The last few days have been very different in my life.

I'm installing more routine and more self discipline when it comes to my schedule.

Getting up and ready early (early for me, at least).

Being more present in my daughter's life, as opposed to my own tasks.

Devotions at breakfast.

Going to bed earlier.

NOT napping (ugh).

Less internet searching, pointless scrolling, or Bejeweled Blitz playing.

Less time wasting.

More intentional time spending.

More meal planning.

More simplifying.

More praying.

Today's sermon at church was about "Life With Jesus."  I soaked it up.

My weekly moms' group kicks off this week where we will be studying how to be a woman after God's own heart.

And, ahem, official announcement:  I am now organizing Women's Ministry at our church.

Yah, that's even surprising to me.  So uniquely orchestrated, it could only be God.

I'm spending this Sunday evening pouring into the organizing and the communicating, and the foundational details, while listening to chick music and eating yogurt (all while dealing with a 3 1/2 year old who is up past her bedtime, with a variety of "needs").

Josh is getting into the groove of his back to work routine.  And now Catherine and I are entering into our new routines.

This is not going to come easily or naturally to me, so hopefully writing about it will help me with some accountability.  I praise God for the changes He has made within me, and I will continue asking God to renew and reshape me.

I used to be a professional.


A professional what?

It doesn't matter.

A professional.


The point is that I'm no longer professional in any sense of the word.

I ran into my old boss randomly today.

At first I was apprehensive.  I didn't want to interrupt his work.  I didn't want to be a bother to him and his professional colleagues.

I was wearing a tank top and casual gauchos (as opposed to my dressy gauchos).

I felt under-dressed and inappropriate and inferior and not professional.

I felt like a stay-at-home mom.

(Sidenote:  have you ever tried to update your resume when you've spent the last three years as a stay-at-home mom?  Yah, good luck with that!)

This random run-in and a rough evening of parenting has left me longing for my past.


My friend Lisa-Jo says that becoming a mother is like breaking up with yourself.

I think I've only recently really begun to grasp the deep deep truth behind that statement.

I wasn't ready to break up with my old self.

I'm missing my past tonight.

The title I had.
The respect.
My wardrobe.

The fact that I was somebody besides mother of Catherine, wife of Josh.
The fact that I was known for my own accomplishments and successes.
The fact that I worked hard and had tangible things to show for it.


Motherhood is hard.  I failed at it tonight.

I told Catherine I'm never buying her a dress again.
Ya know, because she has about 30 and refuses to wear them.
(Update:  I've already broken this promise.)

I worked hard at my desk job, and I was good at it.


Motherhood is hard.