I hate winter.

I say this every year.

Fortunately, we had a really "warm" December.

Unfortunately, it spoiled me.

Now the reality has hit.


Don't get me wrong:  it's pretty.  If I don't have to go out in it.

But on the days I do have to go out in it ...

in the bitter cold,
on narrow county roads,
full of icy intersections,
and sudden massive drifts of snow from countless open fields,
to, not only take my girl to preschool,
but also pick up her classmate from his babysitter's,
his Amish babysitter,
who I have no way of contacting,
and then when the car doesn't start...

Oh my, let's just say, there were tears.
Tears and prayers.

And frantic phone calls.

And my oh so helpful daughter was saying things like, "You have to make it start, mommy."

Thanks...

I got to the point where I had done everything I could think of, and I said to myself, "I'll just give it one more try."

And this time it sounded a bit different.

Like it was actually trying.

Like it could actually work.

I gave it some gas, and it revved up.

I heard the Hallelujah Chorus, and off we were on our way.

Oh, sweet hearts, do you feel like me and my van?

Thinking you just can't do another day.

Just can't keep fighting another battle with what you are facing in life.
Just can't keep trying in a broken, loveless marriage.
Just can't keep giving of your sleep, your strength, your entire self for your needy children.
Just can't keep putting in all the efforts into another area that goes unappreciated and unrecognized.

Whatever you have to do, whisper, declare, speak, yell, or proclaim to yourself, "I'll just give it one more try."

 
And don't allow yourself to carry the burden on your own.  Get help.
Open up.  Be vulnerable.  Share with someone who can help.

Maybe it means seeking counseling from a pastor or a mentor couple in order to hit the refresh button on your marriage.
Maybe it means a friend watching your kids while you go treat yourself to a cup of coffee, a matinee, or a nap.
Maybe it means better self care and giving yourself permission to take care of you.
Maybe it means removing extraneous obligations and activities from your schedule so you can focus on the passions that really motivate you.

Reflect on what God is placing on your heart right now, and see what you can do to give it one more try.

Awhile ago I did these lists of "Things I Like Right Now".  I thought I'd post another.

• home decor
• "You're a Good, Good Father"
• re-thinking home decor
• peace
• baskets/containers
• re-arranging things from room to room
• crazy artwork
• rest
• space
• date night
• getting stuff out of our house
• Zillow
• pad thai
• watching football with Catherine
• small town Wakarusa, IN
• getting deals at yard sales
• Ben's soft pretzels
• the quote "not my monkey, not my circus"
• snuggling up with a soft, cozy blanket
• being encouraged, affirmed, and built-up
• encouraging other women
• "No Longer Slaves"
• finding my adventure
• a second cup of coffee
• deepening friendships

I could write paragraph after paragraph, page after page, post after post about all I'm doing wrong.

Seriously.  I don't cook.  I don't clean.  I complain.  And I procrastinate.

Some days my daughter practically drags me out of bed.

I nag my husband.

I don't exercise.

I eat out too much.

I don't budget.

There are all sorts of failures in every possible category.

But, for a change, can I just focus on something I'm doing right?

I can't resist a picture of sleeping beauty.

Tonight with both Josh and Catherine in bed and me still downstairs working on an upcoming event, I kept hearing random noises coming from upstairs.
Curiosity got the best of me, and I tried to tiptoe up the old creaky steps in our 110 year old farmhouse.  Fortunately, Catherine's sound machine and fan covered up the creaking, so she had no idea I was standing outside her bedroom door.

What I saw and what I heard made my soul rejoice.

Catherine lay in her bed with her nightlight on, surrounded by books and bears and blankets.  She was reading aloud The Prayer that Makes God Smile, underlining words with her finger, moving left to right, row after row as she read her own version of the story.

I love hearing her read, seeing what she remembers of books, and what she improvises.

I love seeing her mimic how we read to her.

I love that she gets how it works to see the letters on the pages and know that they make up the words we say.

But what I loved the most is the message she kept proclaiming tonight.

Yes, she really fell asleep like that one night.

"We have to eat every good thing.  Like apples and oranges and bananas.  Chips are ok.  Hummus is healthy."  She's been really interested in labeling food as "healthy" or "junk food" thanks to borrowing my parents' The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food.

"We have to obey our mommy and daddy.  We have to do what is right.  We have to obey God."  I started thinking of conversations I'd initiate tomorrow to talk about why we should obey.

"God always loves you.  God always protects you.  He protects you during the day, and He protects you at night.  He protects you from bees.

"He is with you always.  You can talk to Him all the time.  He listens to you all the time.  And He loves you all the time.  He is our provider, our helper, and our King.

"He loves you, guides you, and protects you.  Jesus died on the cross for you.  And He loves you always.  He loves you forever.  As long as I'm living, my Jesus He'll be."

She continued sharing the same positive message, some of which was borrowed from I'll Love You Forever  also from my folks' collection.

It was so encouraging to realize that she's hearing the message.

She's hearing it from Josh and me.  From her grandparents.  And aunts and uncles.  From her summer Wednesday church program.  From her teachers at Children's Church.  From the daily devotionals we have together.

We're doing something right!

And this "something" is a very important thing.

I used to be a professional.


A professional what?

It doesn't matter.

A professional.


The point is that I'm no longer professional in any sense of the word.

I ran into my old boss randomly today.

At first I was apprehensive.  I didn't want to interrupt his work.  I didn't want to be a bother to him and his professional colleagues.

I was wearing a tank top and casual gauchos (as opposed to my dressy gauchos).

I felt under-dressed and inappropriate and inferior and not professional.

I felt like a stay-at-home mom.

(Sidenote:  have you ever tried to update your resume when you've spent the last three years as a stay-at-home mom?  Yah, good luck with that!)

This random run-in and a rough evening of parenting has left me longing for my past.


My friend Lisa-Jo says that becoming a mother is like breaking up with yourself.

I think I've only recently really begun to grasp the deep deep truth behind that statement.

I wasn't ready to break up with my old self.

I'm missing my past tonight.

The title I had.
The respect.
My wardrobe.

The fact that I was somebody besides mother of Catherine, wife of Josh.
The fact that I was known for my own accomplishments and successes.
The fact that I worked hard and had tangible things to show for it.


Motherhood is hard.  I failed at it tonight.

I told Catherine I'm never buying her a dress again.
Ya know, because she has about 30 and refuses to wear them.
(Update:  I've already broken this promise.)

I worked hard at my desk job, and I was good at it.


Motherhood is hard.

A few days prior, Josh asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day.

I was pleasantly surprised that he asked.  So, since he did, I answered:

1. I want to sleep in.
2. I want breakfast in bed.
3. I want a card that you put time and thought into.
4. I want a massage.
5. And when we go out with extended family for a celebratory lunch on Mother's Day, I don't want to sit next to my daughter.

"WHAT?" you may be asking, "You don't want to sit next to your daughter on Mother's Day??  Who says that?!"

I do.

When I am with my daughter (which is a great majority of my time), I am on duty.  I'm entertaining.  I'm answering questions.  I'm telling her to sit down.  I'm finding her cup.  I'm looking at the children's menu.  I'm cleaning up spills.  She's pulling on my hair, my arm, my shirt.  She's kissing my sleeve with a food covered face.  She's crawling in my lap.  She's tipping her chair.  She's dropping crayons.  She's drawing on the wall.  She's grabbing a knife.

The above is not an exaggeration.  It is the norm.

There's nothing relaxing about it.  It's stressful.  And exhausting.  And I wanted a break from it.

And, for the most part, I got what I asked for.

I didn't get to "sleep in" per se, but at least I wasn't the default to deal with a boisterous toddler at 7 in the morning.

Josh then had a little helper in the kitchen while he made coffee and crepes (YUM!) and served me in bed.

I received a meaningful card from hubby and a homemade card from Catherine, both very appropriate.

No word on the massage yet, but I'm ok with that, especially considering the cost.

And I got to spend most of our lunch three seats away from my daughter!  I got to enjoy eating my food on my own time table.  I got to have uninterrupted conversations with those around me, which is probably one of the greatest losses for me since having a child.  And I even managed to finish the meal without any food stains being added to my attire!

As an added bonus, I got flowers!




Thank you, Josh, for asking, for listening, and for all you did to grant my wishes and make me feel special.

This man.



Husband.

Hard worker.

Dedicated teacher.

Life changer.

Hope giver.

Encourager.

He directed two middle school musicals this past weekend.  This photo was taken between the two.


This is his 8th musical in the last 9 years (wisely, he took a season off the year Catherine joined our family).

It was a long season of seemingly endless and increasingly long rehearsals.  It was hard to get through it.  Hard for all of us.

When the finish line was in sight I asked him, "Could you at least take a day off work after this is all over?"  But do you know what my husband is doing with his "day off" this week?  And his "free" periods over many days.  And his before school time...

He's voluntarily going to all the music classes for all the 5th grades of all the elementary schools in town.  He's basically giving his best sales pitch on why middle school choir rocks in the hopes of recruiting for next year.

He's using his free time and vacation time to do more work.  Going above and beyond.  Reaching well past minimum requirements.  Giving extra effort and superior excellence.

My husband.

Sure, he drives me crazy.  Trust me, not every day is peachy.  Marriage is HARD.

But I snagged a good one.  And I'm not letting go.

Josh is on Spring Break.

We spent yesterday at his folks, today at my folks along with my brother and his family.  Catherine got to do an Easter egg hunt with her cousins at my parents' church.

 

 
Tomorrow is breakfast and Easter service at our church.  Josh will help make the breakfast with other men at the church.

After church we are hosting "Easter Breakfast" - for lunch.  I will throw together a fruit salad.  We'll have an egg casserole, and the traditional Slovenian dishes from my husband's side of the family:  a sweet bread called poteca:

Our first loaf of poteca, so long ago

And a platter with cold hard boiled eggs, ham, kielbasa and horseradish.  Unique, huh?  As far as I know it doesn't have a name, so we just call it "Easter breakfast."

My first introduction to his extended family was Easter up North six years ago I believe (I'm not too good with dates and numbers and particulars).  I was asked if I wanted horseradish on my serving of "Easter breakfast".  I said, "Sure" and there was an immediate uproar of joyous acceptance into the family.

Our first Easter together

There will be horseradish tomorrow.

Once upon a time there was a man who I thought I was going to marry.

I'll go ahead and ruin the ending for you:  I didn't.

There were painful and multiple breakups that led me down a path of great depression and loneliness.

An emptiness that only God could fill.

My battle cry during that period was that God was with me even if I couldn't feel His presence.  It was a daily reminder.

Time passed.  My heart healed.  And God brought someone else into my life who did indeed become my husband, for which I am so grateful.

But for a moment, let's go back to that former suitor.

One of the "red flag" warning signs for me that he was not my Mr. Right was seen every single time we went to church together:  He refused to sing.

The time of our church service where we gather to worship and sing praise to God together was often the most meaningful time of the service for me.  And then I would look over at him and see him standing there, just observing, and not participating.

But I'm not going to dwell on the negative.  Or the past.

So fast forward a few years to this point in time.

The man that God brought to me is a music teacher.  And he regularly serves on the Worship Team at our church.  Those are the people who sing on stage as a guide and model to others.

He sings.
He likes to sings.
He loves to sing.

Tomorrow, for the second time, he is filling in for our regular Worship Leader and leading the entire congregation in singing.


 This irony is not lost on me.

I'm glad I waited and did not settle for what was not God's best for me.

God is the giver of all good things, and I am rich from His blessings.  Thank you, God.

"Wedding Stuff" has been the subject of most emails I send out lately. Emails to vendors, family, friends, attendants, Josh, our pastor...

We are getting married in 9 days, and I am thrilled! There is still much to do between now and then. I have been taking some time off work to get wedding stuff accomplished. Josh has been a tremendous help. My mom too; it's been fun to run all sorts of wedding errands with her, get her opinion on jewelry, dress options, etc. My brother and sister-in-law have been a huge help as well.

I'm excited for the big day! I'm excited to see close friends and family! I'm excited for the honeymoon! I'm excited to make a home with Josh!

We have been super blessed over the last 6 months and two days as we've planned the wedding. So many people are helping us, making sacrifices of time, money, energy, resources. We are incredibly grateful! We have received discounts on literally almost everything we have purchased. We are just amazed by all the help!

I've experienced a lot of stress here and there, but I've given it all away this week. My awesome wedding coordinator is taking care of everything that was causing me stress. We are so blessed!

Tomorrow is moving day. A lot of Josh's stuff is already at our place; he's been working so hard and bringing boxes over for the past couple weeks. Part of his furniture will go to his brother Jeremy's house, and part will go to our place. I'm praying for nice weather. We've had insane thunderstorms the last week. One this week I actually had to take shelter in the basement. I haven't done that since I was high school aged!

Well, much to do that I'd better return to! I just wanted to post real quickly since I've been MIA lately. If you need more blogs to tide you over in my absence, you can always check out Josh's posts here. I love reading his thoughts, and I think you will too. Enjoy!

I'm behind on blogs. Behind on reading lots of them. Behind on writing lots as well.

My sweetie has actually been the better blogger lately, which is pretty impressive. I love reading his blogs, so of course he gets a shout-out.

He and I were just talking earlier (was it today? Wow, it's been a long day!) about blogs. We are looking forward to having a joint blog once we get married. We already have the name picked up, but it isn't being revealed quite yet. What we're trying to figure out is if we will continue with our individual blogs.


I miss my nose ring. Yes, I had a nose ring, and yes, I took it out a few weeks ago. I had promised Josh before I even got it that I would remove it for a wedding (and I didn't mean a wedding we would be attending). Ideally, I wanted to remove it for the ceremony and put it back in for the reception and indefinitely into the future. However, it has not been a good, healthy piercing. This really did not surprise me, and I've only rarely had a good, healthy piercing. I knew that when I removed it, the nose got all red and puffy, and that is NOT how I want to look during my wedding. So, I made the sad decision to take it out.


I had grand plans of posting about all sorts of things since it's been so long since I've blogged. However, it's late, and I need to get up early enough to head to Elkhart before church tomorrow.

I don't know why or what it is, but I am incredibly distracted. I'm missing human interaction. I'm thinking about everything out there that I am so far away from. I feel so unsettled. Antsy. I'm searching. I see so much beyond my little world, but I just can't reach it.
I'm trying so hard to find it - whatever "it" is. What might it be?...

• home?
• using my creativity?
• driving?
• being away from here?
• traveling?
• being with Josh?
• being married?
• being a mom?
• a new job?
• finding my passion?
• finding something that moves my soul?
• serving others?
• chocolate?
• friends?
• making a difference?
• purpose?

Any insight from my readers about what I might be searching for? Anybody else feel like they're longing for something but don't yet know what it is?

I have many thoughts going through my head.


Many thoughts.


About friendships, about men, about weddings, about time & distance, about marriage.


About dreams out of our control at night. And about dreams we dwell on throughout the day.


Things we think we want with all our hearts. And how that fades away when we see the reality.


Many thoughts.


Many feelings.


But they are not to be shared. Not now. Maybe never.


I'm censoring myself.