Last night was [insert adjective here]. Tragic? Devastating? Rough? Challenging? Life-changing?

I can’t blog about it yet. I don’t know if I ever will.

Something was thrown at me that I never thought I’d be dealing with. I wasn’t prepared for it. But I don’t know if I ever could be.

I had no say in the matter. Nobody asked me if I wanted to deal with it, if I could deal with it, if I was ready or up for the challenge. My answer would have been no. It’s a good thing nobody asked. Because I HAD to step up for the challenge. The situation demanded it.

It was incredibly terrifying. Having never gone through something like this, I was clueless as to what to do. I let God lead me and guide me. When I felt led to take certain steps and necessary actions, I did. And then just prayed it was the right choice.

After lots and lots of frantic actions, there was nothing else I could do but wait. After all the calls have been made how are you supposed to wait 20 more minutes to find out if your friend is alive? 20 minutes feels like 20 years when you’re waiting like that.

This story has a happy outcome. If it didn’t, I can’t even imagine what I’d be going through now. All the steps I took were right. All the actions I decided to make were correct. I did everything I could, and ultimately it was ok. I mean, with the options of dead or alive, alive is the aim we’re going for here.

But it’s not over. There is life after last night. And dealing with the future from here on out.

I don’t know if I can be a part of that. Last night was like someone grabbing my heart and shaking it inside of me. Last night I didn’t just cry. I wept. I sobbed. I ached.

I’ve gone through similar reactions to my own pain lately. But it was entirely different responding to someone else’s pain. Someone who I was so closely linked with last night.

I’d say right now that I never want to go through that again.

But I know if it were to happen again with this friend or any other, I’m so there. In a second. I’m there. I’m committed. Life is about more than my comforts or my schedule.