I had this horrible realization last night:

Valentine's Week had totally snuck up on me!  I needed to A) buy supplies to make Valentines with Catherine for her preschool party this week AND B) solidify my idea for a teachers' gift, buy supplies, create, and deliver 64 Valentines gifts to the elementary school I serve.

I was already going to bed WAY too late, but I just determined that when I woke up, I would have to put the pedal to the metal and go, go, go!!!

Because a chiropractor appointment also snuck up on me, Catherine joined me for that this morning.  I prepped her about expectations for her behavior and expectations of what Mommy would be doing and not doing during the appointment.  We packed snacks for her, and she basically left a trail of Cheerios wherever we went.

Up next we went to a friend's house for an indoor moving sale.  There were tons of things to look at, so I sent Catherine to play with my friend's daughter.  The next thing I know the girls have gotten into stuff they weren't supposed to, and Catherine has literally gotten into something she shouldn't have.  She had put her finger in a bottle of hot tub test strips (I had never heard of such a thing before today) and gotten it stuck.

My friend (not me) had the sense to remove the cap from the bottle.

She couldn't get it unstuck.
I couldn't get it unstuck.
Baby oil didn't help.
I started thinking we were going to have to go to the ER to get this stupid bottle removed.



At one point or another, Catherine, myself, my friend, my friend's daughter, my friend's husband, my friend's mother, and one other lady to whom I was never introduced were all gathered in my friend's bathroom trying to solve the problem.

After awhile some sort of heavy duty wire cutters were brought in (hold me, Jesus!), but there was no way I could even attempt to use them.  So my friend's mom (who apparently has some sort of medical training) stepped up.  God bless her.  I had never even met her before.  She worked hard and carefully with the heavy duty cutters and then also floral wire cutters to set Catherine's finger free finally.

Taking a break mid-cutting to ice the finger

Yep, quite a bit swollen

Dunkin

Needless to say, the day was not at all what I had planned.  By the time we were done there, Catherine just wanted to go home instead of Target for our Valentine errands, and I couldn't really blame her.  It was exhausting emotionally to take part in that.  Unfortunately, she only napped about 30-45 minutes, and the rest of the afternoon was pretty much down the crapper.

Then Daddy was delayed in getting home, which drives me even further off the crazy cliff.

Pretty much the only resolution to the day was for Mommy to get away by herself.

My happy place - Target with Starbucks

Thankfully I also came to the conclusion that A) Catherine will give pre-made Valentines to her classmates and B) Instead of individualized teacher's gifts like last year with 64 individually decorated and assembled gifts, I can deliver a stack of cups, containers of tea, and one note saying, "We think you're TEA-riffic!  Help yourself to a cup!" in order to save myself hours of time and sanity (do you measure sanity in hours??).  Hallelujah!

Last year's Valentines gift to the teachers.  This year will be different.

You just never know what each day is going to hold!

So, my last post was apparently a big hit.  But I write about more than infertility.  Infertility does not define me.  And even though the last two blog posts had the word "pee" in them, I promise that's not a usual topic.  Sidenote:  now, that's three blogs in a row containing the word "pee."  I have really got to quit that!

One area that I've been pursuing for the last few months is the area of minimalism and decluttering our house.

The hard part about decluttering is the process it takes to get there.

Because I have a full life and a full schedule, the decluttering process spreads over many days or weeks (or an entire summer; yah, I'm looking at you, Summer of 2015).  And you end up living like this for a sad, sad amount of time:

Bin after bin after basket after box . . .

The easy part about de-cluttering is realizing how much stuff you don't need.  It took just a few seconds to skim through the Target ad today.  We went for some dishwasher detergent and a clip to hang a wreath on the front door.  When I was looking at the weekly ad posted inside the entryway, I didn't have to look at the CDs on sale - because I can listen to anything online.  I didn't have to look at the movies on sale - because I can rent from the library or Redbox.  And I didn't have to look at the books on sale - because I can rent those too from the library of course.

No pondering over trying to make the best decision.  It was an easy decision!

Decluttering is not easy, but I'm making progress.  I hope to share more updates as I continue the journey.

After a disastrous family trip to Kohl's this evening, I asked Josh if I could run into the Dollar Store real quick.

"Sure, what for?"

Silence.

"Hello?" he tried again, while I tried to figure out how to respond.

"I can't tell you," I said defensively.  "Christmas is coming."

The truth was I didn't want to give him a false sense of hope.  Again.


I'm cheap.
I compare prices.
I buy based on what's on sale.
Paying full price for something is a foreign concept to me.

So, when I found out the Dollar Store carries pregnancy tests I started buying them there.

No sense spending a whole lot more to get a name brand from another store.
Especially for something that I literally pee on and throw away.
Truthfully, I don't want to put a lot of investment in it because it always ends up disappointing.

For some reason our Dollar Store now moved their pregnancy tests to behind the cash registers.  As in, you have to A) already know they carry them and then B) ask an employee for it by name.  While closely surrounded by other people.

My husband has a public job and is known by a lot of people in this community.  Being married to him makes me also susceptable to being known by a lot of people.  People who I've never met.  There's no privacy for me in this town.  I never know when I'm known.

Sometimes I just don't want to be known.


I wait in line and smile warmly at the young girl behind the register when it's my turn.  I try to use a hushed tone and turn my back to anybody behind me.

"Could I get a pregnancy test?" I'm suddenly timid and nervous.

"Just one?"

I hate that question.

The answer to it is dependent upon the result of the first test.  Which is, obviously, unknown.  That's kinda the whole reason I'm there.

My frugality wins out and I always end up just getting one.
And then regretting it the next time I need one.
Because it means I have to go through this whole scenario again.

"Yah, just one."  I feel I have to provide some sort of explanation, as additional words tumble out of my mouth.  "I don't know why I just get one..."

The young girl tries to be empathetic, "I hear ya.  I hear ya."  She smiles.  I smile.  And pay her my $1.07.

She has no idea.

Does she know the eager anticipation mixed with dread when I prepare to take the test?

Does she know afterwards I quickly put all the contents back into the bag and stuff it into the trash, trying to forget all about it?  Again.  And again.  And again.

Does she know I loathe the term "only child"?

Does she know I cringed filling out a paper this week for my daughter's pre-school class that said,
"My name is     Catherine    .
I have    0   brothers and    0   sisters."

Does she know the paralysis I have currently while wondering what to do with our four year old's outgrown car seat, stroller, crib, and highchair?

Or does she think, "Her period's late; hopes she's not preggers."?

Some people can time out their pregnancies perfectly, "We decided to have February babies so that my maternity leave will coincide with ....." or "We wanted our children to be two years apart."

That amazes me.

It amazes me because I have very little control over our situation, and to think someone else can control theirs so perfectly is unfathomable.

Some friends recently shared with us news of their pregnancy.  It's supposed to be an exciting announcement.  Our response is supposed to be elation and surprise and joy.

And instead it was sadness.
Emptiness.
And a feeling of loss and missing out.

I don't know why this is the path God has us on.
But I know I felt compelled to share this tonight.
Maybe someone walking this same path needed to read it.

If that's the case, please allow me to extend to you, "I hear ya.  I hear ya." And a smile.
Know you're not alone in this sad struggle.
May we find fulfillment and wholeness in our identify in Christ, rather than the size of our family.

photo by Peter Ringenberg

Feeling giddy and full of love and happiness at this moment.  Even though we are a household of sickies - coughs and colds, we have much to be thankful for.

So glad for our extended family nearby.

For extended in-laws who invite us into their family and into their home.  To share their food and their family traditions.

For singing and Christmas caroling.

For Christmas lights and Christmas trees.  Ornaments that Catherine helped put on the tree this year.

For this angel of ours who got to participate in her first Christmas pageant:


For generosity and unexpected gifts in the mail.

For Christmas cards - the ones we send and the ones we receive.  Even the ones where we don't even know the sender.  Ha!

For Christmas Break and times of rest and extra sleep.

For coffee, tea, hot chocolate, and other beverages to keep us warm and toasty.

For unexpected warmer temps and even a bit of sunshine this week.

For celebrating the holiday three days in a row with three sets of family.

For the kick I get when people ask Catherine if Santa is bringing her lots of presents, and she has no idea what they're talking about.  Santa WHO??

For fun, family Christmas movies we can watch together - Charlie Brown and White Christmas this year.

For almost escaping the holiday season without hearing "Christmas Shoes" - so close!!

For anticipating a trip to IKEA and goodies to bring home to make our house homier.

This makes me happy.

Wow, what a day!  With my spirited toddler at her grandparents for the day, I had dreams of going vintage and resale shopping in Elkhart with my good friend Kate.  But now I'm thinking the day would have been less stressful if I had instead stayed home with the toddler.

It started in a most bizarre way, as Kate's first words to me were, "Did you know you have a huge chunk of ham in your driveway?"

In case you were wondering, the answer was no.  I did not know.

But she was right.


Up next was a soft pretzel from Ben's.  Great choice.

But next came hitting the worst pothole on US 33.  Hard.  I saw it at the last second and tried to dodge it, but I wasn't fast enough.  Sigh...

I saw my hubcap or something go rolling in my rear view mirror.  I knew it was unfortunate.  But then the car started shaking.  Darnit.  My tire was ruined. I guess this is what I get for pawning off my daughter and trying to have a day of indulgent shopping.


So glad my friend was with me, as my thinking slows down in situations like that.  She suggested to manuever my car around and turn off 33 and head into the Kohl's and Target parking lot.

Hey, if you're gonna be stranded, Target is a good place to be near.  Am I right?

So we made it into the lot by a huge dirty snow pile.  From there I spent a few minutes on the phone trying to get answers on our insurance coverage.  I spent more time listening to menu options than actually talking to a real person.  Finally got the answer I was expecting - no coverage.  I had recently heard about my friend's experience with pothole damage costing him over $1,000.  Just dandy.

I knew I couldn't bother Josh with any of this because this is one of his busiest weekends for work, and there would be nothing he could do to help me anyways.

In life I believe it's helpful to have connections with certain kind of people.  For example I'm glad I have a Lawyer Friend and a Police Officer Friend and a Doctor Friend for their occupational expertise and advice.  I quickly sent a text to our Car Repair Friend for his advice.

Unsure how else to spend the time, Kate and I walked to Target.  Of course.

After browsing the $1 section, I saw our Snow Plow Friend heading out of the store.  I quickly remembered he's also a Construction Friend, Handyman Friend, and basically a Jack-of-all-Trades Friend.  I yelled out his name across the store.  When you're desperate, you don't care about decorum.

I then proceeded to watch the fastest tire change I'd ever witnessed.  He gave me the name of a great place where I could go for a fix.  I put air in the spare (Josh should be so proud), called the tire shop, and left Target without even shopping and still with my unfinished Ben's pretzel from about 90 minutes prior.

Kate kindly kept me company at the tire shop, for which I am so grateful.  It's not the sort of place I'd really want to hang out alone.  They had "Friday the 13th" playing on the TV in the waiting corner - no separate lobby or waiting room; we were definitely just hanging out in a garage for an hour.  I was so grateful Catherine wasn't with me there.

After watching them do things I didn't know were possible, the guys were finished and gave me a bill. $60 later we were on our way out.

A non-moving train kept us extending our visit to the other side of the tracks for awhile longer, and we then reached the sad conclusion that we didn't have enough time to do any of our shopping in Elkhart.  Sigh...

What a day.


But boy am I grateful no one was hurt in our drama on the road.  Grateful there was a safe parking lot nearby that we made it to.  Grateful that our friend and I crossed paths at precisely the right time at Target.  Grateful for his DIY skills and recommendation of the affordable tire shop.  Grateful Kate was with me and Catherine wasn't.  Grateful all of this could be taken care of without having to add another stressor to Josh's day.  And grateful for that Ben's pretzel, which I finally finished eating.

Now, what to do with the ham...

My husband gave me the best gift this past weekend.

Something I never would have even thought to put on a wishlist.

Something I didn't even know I wanted or needed.

He gave me the gift of solitude.

Yah, peace and quiet.  Maybe you've heard of it.  I had heard of it but hadn't experienced it for a long, long time.
 
If you know me, you know I am crazy about my daughter.  Love her SO much.  But at the same time, being with her non-stop, 24/7 can be a bit tiresome after awhile.

I mean, no real break from her or from being responsible for her.

So, this past weekend had Josh heading one county west with Catherine while I stayed here for one of many recent meetings.  The plans were for me to join them later.  But the meeting ran late, I wasn't packed, and I didn't relish the thought of taking both cars out of town.  I started getting this crazy idea...

"I wonder if Josh would let me stay in Goshen while he and Catherine go on to his parents for the night."

Totally unprecedented and a bit unorthodox, but the more I thought about it, the more I absolutely freaking LOVED the idea!!!

He granted me my wish.  And, oh my, did I enjoy my solitude!  I soaked it up!  It was like I was single again!  Carefree!  Free!  Jolly!  Joyous!  Footless!  Fancy-free!

I kicked back and relaxed.  I went to the movie theater for a matinee!  I went shopping and out to dinner with my friend.  We were in no hurry.  We shut down the stores and then the restaurant.  We even got to watch the Notre Dame football game on tv - in its entirety!

And oh how it refreshed me and renewed me.  And made me love and appreciate my family even more and delight in their return the following day.

After sleeping in of course!

Oh what a blessing a little alone time can be!

Things I Love Right Now - Saturday Morning/Birthday Eve Edition

• coffee
• my pink robe
• cake for breakfast
• pretending carrot cake is "healthy" because it contains vegetables
• a quiet house
• waking up to Baby rather than my alarm
• feeding my daughter
• listening on the monitor to Baby talk to herself
• taking morning naps
• browsing the kitchenware department at Kohl's
• looking for a good deal on baby clothes
• gift cards
  

We'll see if I can keep up with simple posts of Thing I Love Right Now or TILRN.

Tonight, I had my sister-in-law's and my mother's and my friend's help and Josh's support via the phone. And I feel like we are really starting to make progress on decisions for the wedding. I'm super excited! I mean SUPER SUPER SUPER excited!

Tomorrow is a small gathering for an engagement party. I think we have most of the details worked out for that - yea!

I try to think about other things besides wedding stuff to tell you about, but it really seems like wedding stuff consumes my brain. Like 24/7. So, I'm sorry if you are already tired of hearing wedding stuff. If that's the case you may want to disappear for awhile.

But if you can handle wedding talk, read on!

I made a big wedding purchase this week when I bought my wedding gown!!! I can't wait to receive it and actually try it on in my size!! The sample one was 2-3 sizes too small. The dress won't be in until May (gulp), so I have a long wait ahead of me.

I also purchased some items for wedding decor. I was out shopping with Mom and wanted to call Josh before I made the purchase. It was only a few bucks. But we were working with our money. It didn't dawn on me until later how that was the first time I'd actually felt the need to get permission from someone before making a purchase. I'd better get used to it, huh?

I'm super hungry, but it's too late at night to eat. I'm just gonna call it a day. Tomorrow will be long. Then Saturday is meeting with a florist and potentially road tripping it to Warsaw. Sunday is church and meeting with our photographer. Planning a wedding is a full-time job. Unfortunately though, I don't get paid for it. Ha!

Ok, I think even Dave Ramsey would be proud of this:





Casual, comfy black dress

Original Price: $49.50

Markdown: $29.99
















Fun cocktail dress

Original Price: $69.50

Markdown: $39.99













Original total: $119.00

Markdown total: $69.98

$70 for 2 dresses.

Oh, I can do better than that!

Clearanced out to $12.99 each!

You think I'm done?

I had a coupon for $15 off any purchase of $15 or more.

Therefore...

I got 2 dresses originally sold for $119 for $10.98! And, I paid CASH!

Woot woot!!

I drive past McDonalds every day. Today I could smell the fries. I was so tempted to stop! But instead I kept driving and ate lunch at home - food I had already paid for.

Tonight I'm going shopping. I have to order a bridesmaid dress for a wedding I'm in in 9 weeks (gulp!). So I will be spending money there for the dress (as well as the wedding gift I purchased last night). And, I have a coupon for $15 off a purchase of $15 or more at a clothing store, so I might have to see what $15 can buy there.

I really want to go to other stores too. I have coupons galore in my purse. The only problem is that even if I'm saving money with the coupons, I'm still spending it on things I don't necessarily need. That is something that saving money forces you to examine: a want vs. a need.

This morning I read a great article about money saving here. One of the many things that struck me from the article was this advice: "Ask yourself, 'If I lose my job tomorrow, what would I cut?' and do it NOW instead." These are things you don't need.

Another article about needs vs. wants that I skimmed earlier today says: "But what fun is life without wants? The point isn't to abandon all of the stuff you want, but to realize how much of your monthly spending is tied to wants. It's fine and healthy to want things, but when you're sinking financially just to maintain things that you want, there's a real problem."

A final reminder from the first article: "The goal is not to cut out all sources of joy in your life, it's to spend only on those things and experiences that are going to really improve your life, that you use and enjoy a lot, and that will give you a great lift and not just a momentary lift."

I was inspired after reading the article; I hope you will take a look at it and also be inspired.

Readers, I hope you don't mind the attention I've been giving these last couple few days to the topic of saving money. It's something I need to focus on, and something I think a lot of us should be focusing on as well.