There are times I am tired of the monotony of life around here.


Times I want to move to Waco.

Or times I think I can't survive another midwest winter.

But then out of no where, I see a field a cows.

And it makes me love Northern Indiana.

Maybe it has something to do with having just spent an impromptu afternoon/evening with all my family, including this cutie niece of mine.


It makes me grateful that family is so close by.

And as much as we may annoy each other at times (we are family after all),

WE
ARE
FAMILY

And I don't want to leave them.

When I was young and single and freshly out of college I moved far far away out west.  I told myself it would be a season of two years, and that after the two years I could decide what was next.

And that's exactly what I did.

Then after two years I planned to move far far away to the east.  And I got there and knew without a hint of doubt I didn't want to be there.  I didn't want to be away from home, away from family.  I didn't want to have to start all over again with a new home, new friends, new church, new job, new everything.

I wanted familiarity.

And even though familiarity can be old and boring at times...




I find it's also quite comforting.

What about you?  Do you appreciate the same surroundings or do you prefer leaving home and embarking on numerous new adventures?

People often go to church, thinking that's where they'll find God.  But often times God shows up where and when we least expect it.

At my weekly Moms Group we share "Selah moments" - taking the time to pause and reflect and see and share how God has shown up.  I was so excited to share last week about this . . .

At the end of our 3,441 mile road trip last week, we were literally pulling into the driveway at midnight on a Saturday night.  A long day after a long trip.  I wasn't ready to commit to getting up and around early the next day for church.  Until I remembered what was going on at a church in our neighboring town.

Baptism

There are lots of ways to define or describe baptism.  One way I would is to say it is an outward symbol of an inner change.

My dear friend's brother was being baptized, and I did not want to miss it.

After spending 10 years in a life celebrating sin, he had changed.  God showed up and changed him.  And I gotta say, I did not expect it.


I think of all the prayers prayed over all those years, and, to be honest, I did not expect this.  God showed up, and God surprised me.  I think God surprised a lot of people with this one.

So, I wanted to be there to celebrate.

And I wasn't the only one.

Catherine has been really curious about baptism lately.  When she heard there was going to be a baptism, she wanted to be there too.

It was a powerful service, and the Spirit was stirring in the hearts of the people there.  People made decisions to follow Jesus, and people made decisions to be baptized.  Those being baptized shared their stories.  Stories of redemption, stories of forgiveness, stories of victory, stories of grace.  Stories of Jesus and the power of His transforming salvation.

And Catherine got to hear all those stories.  We celebrated with happy hearts, applauding hands, and teary eyes.

Photo by Amber Wilkinson

And God continued to show up.

That evening at dinner, as she had been doing for a couple days, Catherine eagerly volunteered to pray before we ate.  She started with her usual mumbled and quiet expression of thanks for the food and a simple request for a good day.  Then her voice became loud and bold as she continued,

"Please, God, can I come in your heart?  Please Jesus, can you come into my heart?  Please can you be my Savior from sin?  Amen"

Lifting our heads, Josh and I looked at each other, stunned and wide-eyed, across the table.  That was unexpected for sure.  I mean, it's something we have often discussed together and prayed for.  But I didn't think it would happen already or like that or totally of her own doing.

Well, her doing and His doing.

You just never know when He's working.  In the hearts and lives of grown adults who may have written off God or may have been written off by the church.  Or in the hearts and lives of young, spunky, strong-willed children.

You just never know.

I can't even tell you the number of times I have opened my laptop, opened up a new tab (in addition to the about 144 already open) to this blog, and tried to write.

There are so many things that stop me.  Fill in the blank with a number of excuses...

• I don't have enough time.
• I don't have enough to say.
• I don't have enough inspiration.
• I have too much to say.
• I have nothing "important" to say.
• I don't have enough focus.  Oh, the distractions, all the distractions.

But I'm getting past the excuses right now and forcing myself to post today - even if it's not that good.

Sometimes "good enough" is ok.

Sometimes "good enough" is enough.

I know my last post got a lot of attention (it's now the most read post on my blog), and I think I feel some unwanted pressure now to make the next post IE this post something just as noteworthy and dramatic.  But that's just not how I'm feeling right now.

How am I feeling?

Well, I've been feeling "off" lately.

We just returned from another massive road trip (if you follow my Facebook or Instagram page, you already know these details, right?).  It was long.  And good.

9 states in 9 days.  Slept in 7 of those states.  3,441 miles later we returned home

And it's been so hard to adjust to being back.  Back to normal life.

But getting back into the routine of pre-school and my mama's group is helping.

Josh is in his super busy season where he's doing eleven and a half hour days.  I'm having to come up with lots of things to do to get through the days.  Fortunately, this season doesn't last much longer.

We were recipients of amazing hospitality from friends as we traveled in Iowa, Nebraska, and Montana.  I got to spend a lot of time reading too, which I have only recently started really enjoying.

The Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner
Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
And It Was Beautiful by Kara Tippetts

The trip itself was rather last-minute, and I realized in the midst of it just how unprepared we were, but I'm so glad we did it.  Gotta take advantage of the Spring Break perk Hubby gets as a teacher!

We saw some beautiful parts of our country (as well as some really boring parts, to be honest), and it was fun to see Catherine experience it.  She was 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 for our previous trips and didn't really remember them.  We all started off a little rocky, but I was impressed by how well she did.  Some times she was even content just to sit there - with no entertainment of books or toys or games!



Until the next adventure!

I've attempted multiple blog posts in the last few days.
But things have just been off.
The timing.
Availability.
Computer and photo issues.
Inspiration.

And this blog post I didn't plan to write.

But sometimes the feelings are too great to keep inside.
The thoughts and the pain have to come out.
And, for now anyways, this is where they land.




It's just a stroller.
And a car seat.

But now they are officially for sale.

"Gently used" the ad reads.

We went gender neutral on everything.  Even though we knew we were having a girl.

"We'll have two and then see." was always our answer when people asked us how many kids we wanted.  Either that or "Two to four."

One was never an option.
One was never our plans.

I always wanted a big family.
Big families have more fun.
I learned that from The Cosby Show.

The last few weeks have been rough.
Too rough to detail.

Last week was the 5 year mark from finding out we were pregnant with Catherine.
5 years.
Thanks, Facebook, for the reminder.
I went to bed early that night.
Cried myself to sleep.
Feeling broken that I can't reach that status again.
Like my body has failed me.
Betrayed me.

My hopes and plans and desires have been battered and abandoned.
I'm left without them.
Laying helpless with a part of me ripped out and gaping open.


But God.

But God knows the plans He has for me.

But God will take all that He has made and use it for good.

And what was intended for the negative, God will use for good.

He is good and He is faithful and He is loving.
In the midst of my pain, He is my comfort.

I sing it.
I say it.
I believe it.
And I remind myself of it.

Catherine's first ride in the stroller

I survived!

The other day, my husband went out of town for work. Normally when he's gone overnight, by default I just go stay at my parents' house. This time though I decided I should try to stay home and try to manage life (and Catherine) by myself.  Or sort of by myself.

Day One:  morning we went to a friend's house for a play-date.  Then my sis-in-law and her kiddos came over for the afternoon.  Catherine and I went out for dinner together in the evening.

Day Two:  my folks came over to keep us company.

Other than the random car that decided to pull in our driveway after 11:30 at night for a couple minutes that felt like hours, all was fine.  Oh, and then there was Catherine's 1 AM wake-up and crying with a cough and fever...

But we survived.

We (me, SIL, and Mom) spent our time working hard, totally rearranging and cleaning a couple rooms to surprise Josh.

We kind of have two living rooms here in the Old Yellow Farmhouse.  So, one we call The Living Room, and one we call The Front Room.  But sometimes I forget which is which because either one could be appropriately referred to as the front room.  I don't really remember my reasoning behind the terminology when we named them awhile after moving into this house back in 2012, but it's what we do.

So, we swapped some furniture between the two rooms and rearranged furniture in the living room and cleared all the clutter out (sadly, a lot of it got shoved into my office at the last minute), and now we have two nice, tidy, clean rooms.  And I can actually enjoy them.

Our Front Room (there used to be a coffee table here)

From the Front room looking into the Living Room

These chairs had been in the other room

This massive entertainment center had been on the wall now with the matching chairs.

I've been studying and pursuing de-cluttering because, frankly, I have too much clutter.

Honest moment:  I have hoarding tendencies.  I have not been in the habit or practice of purging or cleaning on a regular basis.  It's sort of my shameful secret.  But I want to change it.  I've realized the impact it has on my well being.  And I've realized the impact that our home has on our family.

My family is of greatest importance to me, and I am trying to have my life actually reflect what I say are my priorities.  So, since they are my people and the people who God has entrusted me to care for, I am trying to live that out by taking care of their environment.

Now, it's only two rooms, and I've got eight more (+ two huge storage closets) to work on too, so this is a gradual process.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with clutter and cleanliness in her home, so if you are also one with this shameful secret, maybe my coming clean will be of some encouragement to you.  Here are some of the eight remaining rooms.  Hopefully someday soon these will be their "Before" pictures.

The office/guest room

You don't have a play cash register on your kitchen table?

The laundry room; this room fills up fast with overflow!

You're welcome.  You are not alone.

When my brother married Jen, not only did I gain the sister I always wanted, but I also gained a whole extended family.

Their family has welcomed us all warmly and considers us as family.

We celebrate holidays together.  I think the only Christmas not spent with them was when we were in Jamaica on our honeymoon.

My favorite holiday tradition is that we all go caroling on Christmas day to a local nursing home.  Jen's mom Gloria plays the accordion, and we all make a joyful noise proclaiming the Savior's birth.  We wear Santa hats, ring bells, and bless the residents and staff.

Christmas 2009

But this year was different.

Gloria's dad, who I know as "Grandpa Virgil", went to be with Jesus on Christmas day.

It's been an emotional last few days.  And while I don't want to step on toes of Grandpa Virgil's true relatives, it has hurt like a loss of my own grandparent.

Virgil was the last person who I could refer to as Grandpa; my only other passed away long ago when I was in junior high school.  Losing Grandpa Virgil brought up memories of losing my other grandparents.  That hurt never goes away completely.  Losing another just brings it to the forefront of my mind.

After Grandpa heard I got engaged, he had another ring to give me.

Grandpa Virgil was always there with a smile and a story and a joke.

He danced at our wedding reception.

He traveled Europe at age 80.

He rode in a go-kart at age 88.

He never missed a chance to have fun.

He is a person who truly lived life.  Not just sitting on the sidelines watching.

He also never missed a chance to talk about Jesus and the importance of a relationship with the Lord in life.

Grandpa celebrating at my 30th birthday party

Over the last few days, there have been a lot of stories told, memories shared, and tears shed.  Today was a final memorial service.  It was a beautiful time honoring Grandpa Virgil and celebrating that He is with Jesus now.  And oh what a wonderful time they are having together.  As soon as I heard the news of his passing, though sadness filled my being and tears filled my eyes, I could still smile.  I could truly picture Grandpa Virgil in heaven, rejoicing and celebrating our Savior's birth with the One of honor.

We will miss you, Grandpa!

After a disastrous family trip to Kohl's this evening, I asked Josh if I could run into the Dollar Store real quick.

"Sure, what for?"

Silence.

"Hello?" he tried again, while I tried to figure out how to respond.

"I can't tell you," I said defensively.  "Christmas is coming."

The truth was I didn't want to give him a false sense of hope.  Again.


I'm cheap.
I compare prices.
I buy based on what's on sale.
Paying full price for something is a foreign concept to me.

So, when I found out the Dollar Store carries pregnancy tests I started buying them there.

No sense spending a whole lot more to get a name brand from another store.
Especially for something that I literally pee on and throw away.
Truthfully, I don't want to put a lot of investment in it because it always ends up disappointing.

For some reason our Dollar Store now moved their pregnancy tests to behind the cash registers.  As in, you have to A) already know they carry them and then B) ask an employee for it by name.  While closely surrounded by other people.

My husband has a public job and is known by a lot of people in this community.  Being married to him makes me also susceptable to being known by a lot of people.  People who I've never met.  There's no privacy for me in this town.  I never know when I'm known.

Sometimes I just don't want to be known.


I wait in line and smile warmly at the young girl behind the register when it's my turn.  I try to use a hushed tone and turn my back to anybody behind me.

"Could I get a pregnancy test?" I'm suddenly timid and nervous.

"Just one?"

I hate that question.

The answer to it is dependent upon the result of the first test.  Which is, obviously, unknown.  That's kinda the whole reason I'm there.

My frugality wins out and I always end up just getting one.
And then regretting it the next time I need one.
Because it means I have to go through this whole scenario again.

"Yah, just one."  I feel I have to provide some sort of explanation, as additional words tumble out of my mouth.  "I don't know why I just get one..."

The young girl tries to be empathetic, "I hear ya.  I hear ya."  She smiles.  I smile.  And pay her my $1.07.

She has no idea.

Does she know the eager anticipation mixed with dread when I prepare to take the test?

Does she know afterwards I quickly put all the contents back into the bag and stuff it into the trash, trying to forget all about it?  Again.  And again.  And again.

Does she know I loathe the term "only child"?

Does she know I cringed filling out a paper this week for my daughter's pre-school class that said,
"My name is     Catherine    .
I have    0   brothers and    0   sisters."

Does she know the paralysis I have currently while wondering what to do with our four year old's outgrown car seat, stroller, crib, and highchair?

Or does she think, "Her period's late; hopes she's not preggers."?

Some people can time out their pregnancies perfectly, "We decided to have February babies so that my maternity leave will coincide with ....." or "We wanted our children to be two years apart."

That amazes me.

It amazes me because I have very little control over our situation, and to think someone else can control theirs so perfectly is unfathomable.

Some friends recently shared with us news of their pregnancy.  It's supposed to be an exciting announcement.  Our response is supposed to be elation and surprise and joy.

And instead it was sadness.
Emptiness.
And a feeling of loss and missing out.

I don't know why this is the path God has us on.
But I know I felt compelled to share this tonight.
Maybe someone walking this same path needed to read it.

If that's the case, please allow me to extend to you, "I hear ya.  I hear ya." And a smile.
Know you're not alone in this sad struggle.
May we find fulfillment and wholeness in our identify in Christ, rather than the size of our family.

photo by Peter Ringenberg

I want to be in a Book Club, but it's pretty rare that I actually finish books.  When I am reading and actually do complete a book, I am quite proud of my accomplishment.

Maybe I should be in a Movie Club instead.  Well, actually I don't watch movies frequently either.

Hmm, maybe I just want to be in a club.

I like people, and I like talking with people.

Let me be your friend.

Anybody else remember that sketch on Saturday Night Live with Adam Sandler and Chris Farley?  "Let me water your plants."  "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE BOY WATER YOUR PLANTS!"

Please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that!?

It's November 19th, and I'm still wearing sandals.  I figure until we get snow on the ground, I'll keep showing my toes.  Especially since they look pretty.



November 19th sounds familiar.  I think it was maybe our due date for Catherine.  I feel like most people would remember important dates like that.  I'm not so good with dates or numbers or remembering things.

Somebody bought my drink today at a local coffee house.

For a mom of a toddler

I don't know who, but I'm grateful.  Grateful for the free coffee and for the reminder:

Enjoy these years; your time is a gift.

This local coffee house has a bulletin board by the cash register with random drinks posted for particular people.  For example, "Drink for a cancer survivor." or "Drink for a firefighter" or "Drink for a police officer."  It was a nice little treat to find one I could use.

Today is a momentous day for me.  It's the first day since Friday that I'm going about my day without physical assistance.

Friday evening I injured my back.  Just scooting back in my seat in my vehicle, I felt sudden pain.  Within a couple hours I couldn't stand up straight.  Saturday morning I couldn't walk.  No, literally, COULD.NOT.WALK.  I got to a point where I said to Josh while laying in bed mid-morning, "I don't know how I'm going to pee!!"  I crawled to the bathroom.

Since then I've fluctuated between really bad, bad, and ok.  Josh helped me over the weekend, and my parents have been helping since he's been back at work.  I'm definitely doing better today, and I feel good mentally and emotionally about where things are and that I'm getting help and getting better.

I've had back pain off and on over the years, but it was never this bad.  It was scary.  My back was fine if I was laying down, but you can't live life laying down.

In addition, Catherine was sick this week.  She's had serious past breathing problems, so I'm always extra cautious when it comes to her health.

Getting the two of us better has been my priority this week, and work has been almost non-existent.  But now that I'm doing better, I can turn my attention back to that.

Oh, and I'm happy to report that our washing machine was able to be fixed!  That was a long month without one!!

When you chew out your father for feeding your daughter dinner . . . you know you're not ok.

I am struggling and stressing and messing up as I try to figure out arrangements for child care while I work from home.

Fortunately, my dad is a very patient, gracious person, and when I apologized to him later he acknowledged that I'm just trying to do the best I can and that I am indeed doing a good job.

Bless his heart.

My current road in life is bumpy.
And curvy.
And slippery.

I'm thankful for rest areas along the way.

And I'm hopeful that the next road will be a bit smoother.
For whenever I get there.

Well, I was on a blogging roll for awhile there.

Maybe it will return.  Sometime.

For now, I continue working and wife-ing and mom-ing.  Lots of learning and adjusting

Josh was off all last week for Fall Break.  He had a birthday.  We enjoyed free "hot donuts now" at Krispy Kreme "late" one night.  Because we could.



We went to Indianapolis for a mini family vacay (cross that off the summer to do list) and my sister-in-law's sister's wedding.  I cried at the wedding and danced at the reception.  I recalled my own wedding.  It's amusing how some of the details are so sketchy (Did we partake in the tradition of kissing when glasses are tapped?  Did we have anything glass at the reception?).  And some details will never leave my memory.

Catherine with her cousins

s'mores as wedding favor

We stayed at a great hotel and had dinner at Cheesecake Factory.  We ooh'ed and ahh'ed over items at Crate & Barrel, and then I informed my husband that I'm very content living a life that does not include spending $5100 on a sofa, just in case he needed reassurance.

Date Night

Catherine's birthday party is quickly coming up - less than two weeks.  So, I'll need to be thinking more about that soon.  We're having the party at a local restaurant/cafe/bakery.  I kept the guest list very short.  It will be a short and sweet - and salty - party.

But of course I can't do anything simply.  So, I plan to make goodie bags/favors for guests.

I'm currently working on a Moms Night Out for my weekly moms' group and planning our church's ladies' Christmas party.

Our washing machine quit working 2 weeks ago.  Mid-cycle.  Just to keep things interesting I guess.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.  And the next couple weeks.

There were professional photographers taking fabulous pictures at Saturday's lovely co-ed bridal shower.  But who knows when/if I'll ever have those photos in my possession.  So, I'm sharing the few pictures that I took in the midst of the craziness of last minute details.

My sister-in-law Jen's sister Charissa is getting married in Indy next month, and lots of her friends around here had yet to meet her fiance, so I thought a co-ed shower was the perfect solution.  I offered to host and convinced Jen to host with me.  We make a good team!

I always love brunch.  Except for the fact that it means less time to get things ready.  But beyond that, it provides so much flexibility and fun and general lightheartedness.

We went with a rustic theme, and I got to use a bunch of mason jars for the first time.  Yah, I know, I'm a few years behind when it comes to trends.

Oh well.

The first food idea that really started the whole menu was this bad boy:

oh, YES, that IS chicken + waffles!

That branched into kind of a comfort food theme, adding in some favorites of the bride-to-be.

Our full spread consisted of both savory and sweet:

• mini quiche (rosemary + tomato and bacon + cheddar
• mini mac n cheese bites
• chicken + waffles
• fruit skewers
• yogurt parfaits
• mini muffins (banana nut and lemon poppy seed)
• monkey bread
• cranberry almond coffee cake
• finished with a variety of cupcakes

Bunting courtesy of Monkey and Lamb

"Savory"

"Sweet"

I love menus on display.

There's just something so pretty about yogurt parfaits and fresh fruit.

"You are the icing to my cupcake."

Yah, lots of love right there.

This evening I went to a funeral visitation.

It wasn't something I was excited about.
It wasn't something I really even wanted to do.

But I know it's important.

I know it matters.

I remember losing the only Grandpa I ever knew.
I remember losing my Grandma.
I remember losing my Uncle.
I remember losing my other Grandma.
I remember losing Josh's Grandpa,
Josh's Grandma,
Josh's Uncle.

I remember thinking, "Maybe one of my friends will show up at the funeral or visitation.  Or send flowers.  Or a card."

Is that too much to ask?

It would have helped.
It would have meant so much.
Just to see a familiar face.
To see a friend.
To see that someone cared.

I've been to funerals or visitations of people I've never met.

But they were loved by others whom I love.

And as a way of showing my love, care, and concern, I go.
I show up.

Even when I don't want to.
Even when it's awkward and not easy and I have to answer uncomfortable questions from my curious daughter who is attending a visitation with me.

I force myself to go to funerals because it matters.

It makes a difference.

It's seen.

And it's appreciated.

So, there are a ton of things that I struggle with.  But it really wasn't that long ago that I realized fear was not one of my struggles.

So, of course that had to change.

I don't know if it was due to pride or just a change in my season of life or what, but suddenly my being has become full of fear and anxiety.

The last week has been really really hard. Like, some days I'm surprised I'm still going.

Tonight, it's a whole new fear, and it's keeping me up late.

For I know once I wake up I have to face a fear.  A big fear.

Off and on over the last year or so, I've been dealing with some pretty crappy situations regarding my health.  I'm sparing you the details.  They went away for awhile but came back.

In the last couple weeks I've gone through some tests, and everything has come back clear.

Tomorrow is one more test.  And I'm afraid of it.

I'm afraid of it not coming back clear.

But I think even more so I'm also afraid of it being clear and fine just like all the others.

Because that means still no answers.

And I don't know which terrifies me more:  an official name of a diagnosis or no known cause of said crappy health problems.

After tomorrow's test there will be a discussion of options.  Which, of course, is another part that scares me.

The thing is...  there are no good options.  There are crushing, devastating, drastic options that mean the end of our chances at our family's growth.

And I'm not ready for that possibility.

I'm not ready for that decision to be made by someone else and for us to be forced into it.

I'm not ready to quit and give up.

So tonight I'm praying for clarity,
for guidance,
for peace,
for sleep,
and rest.

Believe or not, Josh is already back to work, and the local kids are already back in school.

This summer break was the shortest ever - 8 weeks.  We are so grateful, though, for that perk of his occupation!!

About the beginning of June or so, I wrote up a little list of things I wanted to get done this summer.  How'd we do?

• Purge (still doing)
• Organize (this is really slow going, but I'm working on it)
• Decorate (work in progress, but mostly comes after the organizing; also, this is really hard to measure/assess)
• Hang pics/gallery wall (nope)
• Paint front door (I've narrowed it down to 3 colors, and really 1 I think, but it's not the same one that hubby wants, so for now we just have 3 red paint swatches taped to our front door, can you say ghetto?)

• Grill pizzas (still gotta do this)
• Dentist appointments for all 3 of us (appointments made and scheduled for this week!  It will be C's first dentist experience!  She's excited; I hope I don't make her nervous.)
• Wonderland Theater (Josh and I got to see "Paper Towns" as a Thursday matinee - when all you can eat popcorn is free, woot woot!)
• Buy a new vacuum
• Buy a dirt devil/dustbuster
• Host a yard sale (done!  times 2!)

• Go on a couples trip (Josh & I celebrated our 5th anniversary with a trip to Michigan - Saginaw, Birch Run, Traverse City)

• Go on a family trip (sorry, kid.)
• Camp in our backyard
• Use our firepit
• Make smores
• Teach C how to wipe her bottom independently (a good thing to know how to do especially considering she starts pre-school in a month!)
• Get estimates for windows (ugh.  I feel like I need to get my house organized first.)
• Stain the back deck (ahem)
• Go to the beach (we went when Josh's Las Vegas family was in town; then Catherine & I went again with her cousins and aunt)

Sadly, there was no big family road trip this summer.  But maybe we can do some little trips on the weekends.  I know things will be different with Catherine now having her own school schedule to consider, so we'll just have to be diligent to use the time we have!