I just can't even.

Tonight I told Josh, "It feels like I'm drowning."

I don't know what it is.

Tonight's post will just be a jumpled up mess.

Oops, is that supposed to be jumbled?

Overwhelmed.

Sinking.

I say, "My plate is full."

Ha, it's overflowing.  Things are falling off my plate and making a big mess.

Decluttering isn't just about material objects in my home.  It's more than knick-knacks collecting dust, or toys and clothes that have been outgrown.  It's just as much as it is about decluttering my schedule.  Decluttering my commitments.  Decluttering my mind.

You probably saw this meltdown coming.  Way back in September, right?

I have way too many commitments.  Too many areas of involvement.  Too many things on my To Do list.  It's not possible for me to get them done.  So then they're constantly on my mind and nagging at me and hovering over me and weighing me down!

And then new ideas and new pursuits and new passions are growing inside of me.  But how on earth can I try to seek them out when my life is so stinking full already?!?

I quit.

I just have to figure out what exactly I'm quitting.  What I'm letting go of.  What I'll be releasing.

And how.  And when.

I want to be in a Book Club, but it's pretty rare that I actually finish books.  When I am reading and actually do complete a book, I am quite proud of my accomplishment.

Maybe I should be in a Movie Club instead.  Well, actually I don't watch movies frequently either.

Hmm, maybe I just want to be in a club.

I like people, and I like talking with people.

Let me be your friend.

Anybody else remember that sketch on Saturday Night Live with Adam Sandler and Chris Farley?  "Let me water your plants."  "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE BOY WATER YOUR PLANTS!"

Please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that!?

It's November 19th, and I'm still wearing sandals.  I figure until we get snow on the ground, I'll keep showing my toes.  Especially since they look pretty.



November 19th sounds familiar.  I think it was maybe our due date for Catherine.  I feel like most people would remember important dates like that.  I'm not so good with dates or numbers or remembering things.

Somebody bought my drink today at a local coffee house.

For a mom of a toddler

I don't know who, but I'm grateful.  Grateful for the free coffee and for the reminder:

Enjoy these years; your time is a gift.

This local coffee house has a bulletin board by the cash register with random drinks posted for particular people.  For example, "Drink for a cancer survivor." or "Drink for a firefighter" or "Drink for a police officer."  It was a nice little treat to find one I could use.

Today is a momentous day for me.  It's the first day since Friday that I'm going about my day without physical assistance.

Friday evening I injured my back.  Just scooting back in my seat in my vehicle, I felt sudden pain.  Within a couple hours I couldn't stand up straight.  Saturday morning I couldn't walk.  No, literally, COULD.NOT.WALK.  I got to a point where I said to Josh while laying in bed mid-morning, "I don't know how I'm going to pee!!"  I crawled to the bathroom.

Since then I've fluctuated between really bad, bad, and ok.  Josh helped me over the weekend, and my parents have been helping since he's been back at work.  I'm definitely doing better today, and I feel good mentally and emotionally about where things are and that I'm getting help and getting better.

I've had back pain off and on over the years, but it was never this bad.  It was scary.  My back was fine if I was laying down, but you can't live life laying down.

In addition, Catherine was sick this week.  She's had serious past breathing problems, so I'm always extra cautious when it comes to her health.

Getting the two of us better has been my priority this week, and work has been almost non-existent.  But now that I'm doing better, I can turn my attention back to that.

Oh, and I'm happy to report that our washing machine was able to be fixed!  That was a long month without one!!

Things I Love Right Now

• pockets (sadly, 99% of what I wear doesn't have pockets.  However, I have a pair of pants that are thicker and, therefore, worn more during the colder months that has pockets.  Needless to say, I've been delighted to wear them in the recent days.)

• apple cider (I just had my first of the season.  Always a great fall staple!)
  
• updates from old friends (just heard from a friend from long ago in California)

• dance parties with my family (in the kitchen, in the car, at Charissa's reception... There has been a lot of family dancing lately.  It's so fun!)

• the phrase "It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful." (I am holding on tight to this one from The Nester as I update our home.)

• updating my Linked In profile (never thought I'd have any interest in this, and it wasn't my plan to even have a Linked In profile, but with my new job, comes lots of new things, and I've realized it is a good thing to boost my online professional appearance.)

• hearing Catherine sing (Lately she's always asking for a CD.  I didn't realize how quickly she was learning new songs until yesterday when she could suddenly sing about 80% of a song she just started listening to.  And it was from a CD of choir songs from my time in LA.)

• making decor updates to our home (in addition to changing our guest bedroom to my office, I'm trying to determine which furniture and other items we can part with.  I also finally painted our front door!)

  Ta-da!  Hooray for this Not a DIY-er!!

• embracing my unique style (Josh and I rarely agree on the same things, so it's not surprising then that we have different styles when it comes to how to decorate and arrange our home.  He has just started to give me more free reign, and I've been strongly drawn to some very unique things - artwork and chairs, specifically.  I'm learning it's ok to have my own quirky style, and it's ok to enjoy quirky things.  One of these days, I'll post pictures of the crazy unique additions.

• my boss (as I struggle to be a professional again and to figure out child care and family dynamics, I'm so grateful for an encouraging boss who sees my positive qualities and seeks to bring out the best in me.  It is a big time of transition, but he is patient and believes that family is a bigger priority than a job.)

Well, I was on a blogging roll for awhile there.

Maybe it will return.  Sometime.

For now, I continue working and wife-ing and mom-ing.  Lots of learning and adjusting

Josh was off all last week for Fall Break.  He had a birthday.  We enjoyed free "hot donuts now" at Krispy Kreme "late" one night.  Because we could.



We went to Indianapolis for a mini family vacay (cross that off the summer to do list) and my sister-in-law's sister's wedding.  I cried at the wedding and danced at the reception.  I recalled my own wedding.  It's amusing how some of the details are so sketchy (Did we partake in the tradition of kissing when glasses are tapped?  Did we have anything glass at the reception?).  And some details will never leave my memory.

Catherine with her cousins

s'mores as wedding favor

We stayed at a great hotel and had dinner at Cheesecake Factory.  We ooh'ed and ahh'ed over items at Crate & Barrel, and then I informed my husband that I'm very content living a life that does not include spending $5100 on a sofa, just in case he needed reassurance.

Date Night

Catherine's birthday party is quickly coming up - less than two weeks.  So, I'll need to be thinking more about that soon.  We're having the party at a local restaurant/cafe/bakery.  I kept the guest list very short.  It will be a short and sweet - and salty - party.

But of course I can't do anything simply.  So, I plan to make goodie bags/favors for guests.

I'm currently working on a Moms Night Out for my weekly moms' group and planning our church's ladies' Christmas party.

Our washing machine quit working 2 weeks ago.  Mid-cycle.  Just to keep things interesting I guess.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.  And the next couple weeks.

I watched a you tube video about painting a door that said the prep work was the most important step.

Apparently my prep work includes watching you tube instructional videos and reading articles via Pinterest on how to paint a front door.

Today's steps also included putting on my paint clothes and taking the "before" pictures.



Not sure when I'll do the actual painting.  Before that I have to wash the door.  And washing anything is not very appealing to me.  As I told Josh last night, "I'm lucky I wash myself.  I don't wash anything else. ... You're lucky I wash myself."

I was giddy when I realized today's date in my calendar/agenda book was blank.

I had thought about doing certain things today since I had the time and availability, but then I remembered I don't need to be the one to step up and come to the rescue.

As my mom recently started saying, "It's not my monkey, and it's not my circus."

Bam!

So, instead I enjoyed my day off.

Catherine & I slept in, lounged around, read, played, enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company, and one of us even enjoyed an iced coffee.

I didn't check my email.  I didn't check my facebook.

I know full well that there are many things there to deal with, but I decided it could wait til evening.

It was an awesome liberating feeling.

Instead I got to enjoy a few chapters from this lovely inspiration, picked up from yesterday's library visit.


And I even planned dinner, albeit leftovers.

And now as Josh & Catherine are at their Wednesday night church, I relax by writing to the sound of the ceiling fan spinning round and round.

I used to be a professional.


A professional what?

It doesn't matter.

A professional.


The point is that I'm no longer professional in any sense of the word.

I ran into my old boss randomly today.

At first I was apprehensive.  I didn't want to interrupt his work.  I didn't want to be a bother to him and his professional colleagues.

I was wearing a tank top and casual gauchos (as opposed to my dressy gauchos).

I felt under-dressed and inappropriate and inferior and not professional.

I felt like a stay-at-home mom.

(Sidenote:  have you ever tried to update your resume when you've spent the last three years as a stay-at-home mom?  Yah, good luck with that!)

This random run-in and a rough evening of parenting has left me longing for my past.


My friend Lisa-Jo says that becoming a mother is like breaking up with yourself.

I think I've only recently really begun to grasp the deep deep truth behind that statement.

I wasn't ready to break up with my old self.

I'm missing my past tonight.

The title I had.
The respect.
My wardrobe.

The fact that I was somebody besides mother of Catherine, wife of Josh.
The fact that I was known for my own accomplishments and successes.
The fact that I worked hard and had tangible things to show for it.


Motherhood is hard.  I failed at it tonight.

I told Catherine I'm never buying her a dress again.
Ya know, because she has about 30 and refuses to wear them.
(Update:  I've already broken this promise.)

I worked hard at my desk job, and I was good at it.


Motherhood is hard.

Have you ever noticed how it seems cell phones have about a two year shelf life?  Ya know - the same length as most cell phone contracts.  I've noticed this a number of times when I was suddenly having cell phone issues.  Go in to the store, and guess what - I'm eligible for an upgrade - what perfect timing!

So, here's the strange thing:  my current cell phone has been with me longer than my 3 1/2 year old daughter!  I got it in December of 2010.  Over FOUR AND A HALF YEARS!


Oh, it's far from perfect!  In fact there have always been a number of very weird oddities about it, for example, freezing up or not turning off (seriously, I've had to remove the battery countless times just to get it to turn off at times).  But this sucker has been dropped (hard!) also countless times - and survived!

I've fought getting a smart phone for a long time.  I have a super sweet cell phone deal for non smart phones.  Like anytime my account gets looked up, the employee usually responds with, "Oh, wow, you got the XYZ plan!  No wonder you don't want to switch!"  But a few months ago I got word that I can still keep that awesome plan and just do an upgrade to a smart phone for an additional charge.

Our culture is becoming increasingly one that is geared for smart phones.  Without one, I'm missing out on coupons and discounts.  I'm often pestering Josh to look something up on his smart phone for me when we're out.  With it I'm able to access business phone numbers and hours, directions.  And probably the biggest plus for me personally is the high quality of the camera.  I LOVE to take pictures.  When we were on our Super Summer Family Road Trip last year I noticed his phone was taking better pictures than my camera.

So, I have decided that whenever this phone dies I will (gasp!) upgrade to a smart phone.

Now, how long til this Samsung Restore actually stops working for good??  You think it can last a full FIVE years?!?  We'll see!!

My first phone that slides open for easy texting!

This man.



Husband.

Hard worker.

Dedicated teacher.

Life changer.

Hope giver.

Encourager.

He directed two middle school musicals this past weekend.  This photo was taken between the two.


This is his 8th musical in the last 9 years (wisely, he took a season off the year Catherine joined our family).

It was a long season of seemingly endless and increasingly long rehearsals.  It was hard to get through it.  Hard for all of us.

When the finish line was in sight I asked him, "Could you at least take a day off work after this is all over?"  But do you know what my husband is doing with his "day off" this week?  And his "free" periods over many days.  And his before school time...

He's voluntarily going to all the music classes for all the 5th grades of all the elementary schools in town.  He's basically giving his best sales pitch on why middle school choir rocks in the hopes of recruiting for next year.

He's using his free time and vacation time to do more work.  Going above and beyond.  Reaching well past minimum requirements.  Giving extra effort and superior excellence.

My husband.

Sure, he drives me crazy.  Trust me, not every day is peachy.  Marriage is HARD.

But I snagged a good one.  And I'm not letting go.

I'm just gonna say it:

I HATE WINTER.

I swear every year is worse than the last.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.

We have had uber cold temps - especially for December!  The other morning I called the "time & temp", and it said "-5".  Did you hear that, people?!?  NEGATIVE FIVE!!!!!  And we had to go out in it!

Then today we got dumped on by snow ALL day.  I mean, we woke up to it, and it just kept coming and coming.  Again, the perfect sort of day to just stay home, right?

But we had places to go and people to see.  It was a full day for our schedule.

I had to venture out first for a neighborhood board meeting (oh yes, I'm now on our neighborhood board).

We later attended a "Gotcha Party" to celebrate our friends adopting a daughter.

Our third event of the day - a Christmas Open House - got postponed because of the awful roads/weather.  So instead we made a Target run and then treated ourselves to Hacienda.  Yum!

Catherine, our lovely now two year old, cut our dinner short by behaving like a two year old, and on the way home, I said to Josh, "I don't know if it's even worth it to go out anymore."

I wasn't saying this because of the weather.  I was saying this because we end up so exhausted from dealing with her antics that it's making me ponder just staying home.

I really don't have anything important to say.  I just realized it had been a long time since I'd posted, and the last post was such a downer that I thought I'd post something random and lighthearted.

Oh, poor Catherine every so often has problems pooping.  We have yet to pinpoint the cause, but sometimes she gets pretty constipated and then when she tries pooping (still in a diaper, BTW) she just cries, poor girl.  I talk to her all the time, so recently I started trying to explain to her that it hurts because she's constipated.  I thought it might help her understand part of it if I named/defined the problem.

So now when she's trying to poop - which isn't just in the comfort of a bathroom, mind you, but out in public - she cries and yells "I'M CONSTIPATED!!"

Poor girl, but funny.  I can't help but chuckle.  It's just funny to hear that shouted from a two year old.

So, going back to the Christmas Open House I mentioned...  I am SO excited for this party!!  Fortunately, instead of just canceling it, it was postponed to tomorrow evening.  I should really lower my expectations so that I don't set the bar too high and then feel letdown.  But, seriously, I am pumped!  The hosts are new friends from our church, and it sounds like they love to entertain as much as I do.  Anticipating this event is making me remember how much I used to frequent parties, and realize how much I miss attending and hosting parties!!

I've done a football themed birthday party for Josh the last two years, so I think I'm going to make that an annual thing - maybe move it up a bit to hopefully get nicer weather so the party can expand outside if desired or needed.  We don't have a TON of space indoors, so I like the thought of being able to expand onto the back deck, the front porch, and the back yard.

Football shaped brownies (not as easy as I expected them to be) on a football field platter

Veggies, dip, and hummus in my football shaped bowl

I think this diamond partyware is the first set of fun partyware that I got.

I loved getting to use that condiment holder - 1st time!

This was definitely one of the smallest spreads I've done at a party; I was trying to scale back so I wouldn't get too stressed and overwhelmed.

Catherine in her Notre Dame jersey helping Daddy blow out the birthday cake candles

This shows a perfect example of someone practicing our family tradition of cutting your own piece of cake - however you like it!

My nephew in his ND jersey

My niece and daughter have often worn matching ND dresses this year - how fun!

 I didn't intend to turn this into a party post, but oh well.  Hopefully I'll be able to post sometime soon about Catherine's 2nd birthday party.

My husband gave me the best gift this past weekend.

Something I never would have even thought to put on a wishlist.

Something I didn't even know I wanted or needed.

He gave me the gift of solitude.

Yah, peace and quiet.  Maybe you've heard of it.  I had heard of it but hadn't experienced it for a long, long time.
 
If you know me, you know I am crazy about my daughter.  Love her SO much.  But at the same time, being with her non-stop, 24/7 can be a bit tiresome after awhile.

I mean, no real break from her or from being responsible for her.

So, this past weekend had Josh heading one county west with Catherine while I stayed here for one of many recent meetings.  The plans were for me to join them later.  But the meeting ran late, I wasn't packed, and I didn't relish the thought of taking both cars out of town.  I started getting this crazy idea...

"I wonder if Josh would let me stay in Goshen while he and Catherine go on to his parents for the night."

Totally unprecedented and a bit unorthodox, but the more I thought about it, the more I absolutely freaking LOVED the idea!!!

He granted me my wish.  And, oh my, did I enjoy my solitude!  I soaked it up!  It was like I was single again!  Carefree!  Free!  Jolly!  Joyous!  Footless!  Fancy-free!

I kicked back and relaxed.  I went to the movie theater for a matinee!  I went shopping and out to dinner with my friend.  We were in no hurry.  We shut down the stores and then the restaurant.  We even got to watch the Notre Dame football game on tv - in its entirety!

And oh how it refreshed me and renewed me.  And made me love and appreciate my family even more and delight in their return the following day.

After sleeping in of course!

Oh what a blessing a little alone time can be!

Ever wonder what Catherine and I do all day when Daddy is at work?  Sometimes I know I do.  Some days just seem to fly by with nothing to show for it - or maybe just one thing to show for it.  I at least try to do one productive, noteworthy thing a day.

Sunday night I was looking at this week's schedule on my all important calendar when I realized, surprisingly, Tuesday was our only free day this week.  Every other day had something going on.  Naturally I thought Tuesday would be the perfect day to take Catherine over to our homeland - South Bend - to visit her relatives.

We set things up with her Aunt Jen so that Catherine could visit her cousin Julia.  Those girls can't get enough of each other!



Unfortunately I woke up to a text that Jen had woken up to a sick Julia, and we decided it'd probably be best to keep the girls separate.  Sickness of the Little One is the last thing I want to deal with, and we know that since Catherine puts about 90% of things in her mouth, she was bound to get sick too.

Enter Plan B:

My new friend Danyell had some questions about Power Point and the Children's Ministry that she directs at our church.  Since I had a little treat to deliver to her anyway I decided I could drag my laptop along and do some work to help.

Unfortunately, Microsoft has created a new version of programs supposed to make life easier, but in reality, they are all so different they make life a bear trying to learn all the programs all over again.

Needless to say, I wasn't much help.

And sweet, adorable Catherine was wanting to be pushed on the swing, put on the trampoline, taken off the trampoline, fed, chased, taken outside, taken inside, put in the sandbox, taken out of the sandbox, etc. etc. etc.  90% of the things at Danyell's house were going in Catherine's mouth.  Catherine sometimes forgets she's only 1 (see picture below).  She wants to do everything that Danyell's 4 year old son Eli can do.  And she tries.

This makes life very interesting and challenging for me.

Three times just during this morning's visit I had to chase her down as she ran for the street.  Ugh.

A great shot of a perfect example of my daughter.  See those striped legs?  Those belong to my daughter who was playing on the couch while meeting her new baby cousin at the hospital and apparently decided she wanted off the couch.  Photo serendipitously captured by my brother.

After awhile Danyell suggested lunch at M-C-D-O-N-A-L-D-S (Because seasoned parents know you MUST spell things out until it's 100% agreed on by the adults.).  Once I heard her local one had a playland I was in.  Funny the things I haven't cared about for decades that are now so vital in making decisions.

We had a great time eating and playing.  And of course chasing after Catherine as she ran around the restaurant more than a few times.  Although that part may have just been a great time for Catherine, and not so much for me.

Afterward, driving home I was thinking Catherine would benefit from a bath, still with sand stuck on her and all.  But I also knew she was in need of a nap.

As soon as I get Catherine out of the car, she darts for the backyard, using the excuse that she wants to "Look at garden!"  Within moments she's trying to get into her little inflatable pool.

Suddenly I realize a dip in the pool will solve my dilemma of the sand all over her body.  Perfect!  I pull her shoes off, strip her of her clothes, and rip off her diaper.

"In you go!"

She loves it.  Squeals and giggles.  She splashes.  I rinse her off and call it good enough.  About this time I start realizing how poorly I planned this brilliant idea.  Or failed to plan actually.

She is dripping wet, and the nearest towel is, of course, inside the house.  I may not be Super-Mom, but I know I cannot leave her alone.  Outside.  And in water!  So, I awkwardly carry her with my arms stretched out away from my body.  I set her gingerly on the back deck while I unlock the back door.  Up she goes again and straight to the bathroom at the back of the house.  Once dried and diapered I decide I can go empty the car.  It could have waited til I put her down for a nap, but I guess I was thinking about the leftover milk in her diaper bag in the hot car in the hot garage in the 90 degree heat.

I told Catherine to go find her music table and play with her toys.  "I'll be right back" I yell as I sneak out the back door, eager to see if I can get it all brought inside in one trip - quite a challenge!

I gather up the abandoned clothing and diaper poolside.  I pile onto one shoulder a purse, a diaper bag, and a laptop bag.  I tuck three cups into the crook of my arm and head back to the house, sweaty, exhausted, looking forward to a break once I get Little Girl down for the blessed nap.

I hear her as I approach the back door and peak through the window seeing her on the other side of the door.  I use my free hand to turn the handle and push and, to my horror, discover that Catherine can now apparently reach the lock.

Yes, my 1 year old daughter had locked me out of the house.

I called out to the Lord, and it was not in vain.

My mind started racing, "The keys are in the kitchen.  The front door is locked.  The side door is locked.  We have no hidden key.  We haven't given a copy of the key to a neighbor.  I have my phone in my purse, but Josh is teaching."

My mind continues, "Do I call the police?  Would I be arrested for neglect?  How long can Catherine last unattended?  What will she get into?  At least she's wearing a diaper."

And before I knew it, she reached back up and unlocked the door.

Praises rang out.

Lesson learned.

And that is just a glimpse into my day.

That was yesterday.  Today Catherine prayed before a meal all by herself for the first time.

"Dear Jesus.  Dear food.  Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus."

Amen!

Ok, I'll admit it:

I'm getting excited about June.  We plan on taking a Super Summer Family Road Trip.  While I know we are gonna get sick of the car, sick of the road, and no doubt, sick of each other, it will be memorable.  And I'm REALLY looking forward to being back in L.A.

It will have been four years since my last visit, and that was for just 1 night!  It was a side road trip from a flight to Vegas to visit Josh's family.

Oh man, I was just looking at pictures from that trip.  What an experience!

An injured toe, winning big at the casino ($8.04!!), family, food, friends, church, reminiscing about my California life...  The best part was getting to share it with Josh!

A lot has changed in the last four years.  This time when I return, instead of taking my boyfriend, I'll be taking my husband - and daughter!  Super excited about getting to share it with her and have my California friends meet her!  Here are some pictures from that trip - complete with nose ring - another thing that has changed in the last four years!

I am a mother.

I am a

• diaper changing,
• boo boo kissing,
• animal cracker eating,
• hug giving,
• cold coffee nuking,
• laundry washing,
• daddy skyping,
• toy tripping,
• Christmas tree ornament wrangling,
• grey roots up-touching,
• apron wearing,
• hubby kissing,
• muffin baking,
• sometimes dinner making,
• often takeout grabbing,
• quickly praying,
• Pinterest pinning,
• ABC's singing,
• highchair wiping,
• dishwasher loading,
• little girl rocking,
• hesitantly entertaining,
• sippy cup giving,
• list making,
• well balanced meal skipping,
• toddler chasing,
• nap needing

mama.

And I couldn't be happier.

I write that because sometimes I need to remind myself.

This is my calling right now.  This is my reality.


 I was recently pursued for a job.  A great job.  Outside of the home.

I was immediately sold.  So many good things about it.  I really thought it was meant to be.

But something just didn't feel right in this mama's heart.

I thought and prayed much.

And I realized the great commitment it would be.  And what that would mean to my other calling.  My current calling.  Mother.

I cannot express how hard it was to pass on this opportunity.  I just knew I couldn't add it to my current load.  Maybe some other time in the future.  Or in some other, smaller way.

But right now my plate is full.

Overflowing.

In a good way.

8.  I am grateful to finally have a dishwasher!

9.  Even more so, I am grateful for a dishwasher that works so well!  Many times I see dishes in it that obviously were not rinsed an inch, and I think, "Oh, no way that's gonna get clean!"  And a couple days later after the load has been washed and I'm putting dishes away, I am amazed that it's all clean!

10.  I am grateful to finally have a garage!


11.  Even more so, I am grateful for a two car oversized garage!  Winter is not my friend.  We've had a few frosty mornings recently, and it brings me great joy to be able to leave without having to scrape the car windows!!!

12.  I am grateful for date night with my hubby!  It doesn't happen often, and it's a great break when it does!


13.  I am grateful that Catherine is growing up in close proximity to her family.  I did not have that advantage as a child.  Neither did Josh.  It means the world to me that she knows her family and gets to see them often.



 14. As much as I hate politics, I am grateful for the freedom to vote.



15.  I am grateful for a big pot of coffee.

16.  I am grateful for nap time.  I know; I've already said it.  But this ought to give you an idea just how grateful I am!!

17.  I am grateful for sunshine - especially in these long, dreary months!