I've attempted multiple blog posts in the last few days.
But things have just been off.
The timing.
Availability.
Computer and photo issues.
Inspiration.

And this blog post I didn't plan to write.

But sometimes the feelings are too great to keep inside.
The thoughts and the pain have to come out.
And, for now anyways, this is where they land.




It's just a stroller.
And a car seat.

But now they are officially for sale.

"Gently used" the ad reads.

We went gender neutral on everything.  Even though we knew we were having a girl.

"We'll have two and then see." was always our answer when people asked us how many kids we wanted.  Either that or "Two to four."

One was never an option.
One was never our plans.

I always wanted a big family.
Big families have more fun.
I learned that from The Cosby Show.

The last few weeks have been rough.
Too rough to detail.

Last week was the 5 year mark from finding out we were pregnant with Catherine.
5 years.
Thanks, Facebook, for the reminder.
I went to bed early that night.
Cried myself to sleep.
Feeling broken that I can't reach that status again.
Like my body has failed me.
Betrayed me.

My hopes and plans and desires have been battered and abandoned.
I'm left without them.
Laying helpless with a part of me ripped out and gaping open.


But God.

But God knows the plans He has for me.

But God will take all that He has made and use it for good.

And what was intended for the negative, God will use for good.

He is good and He is faithful and He is loving.
In the midst of my pain, He is my comfort.

I sing it.
I say it.
I believe it.
And I remind myself of it.

Catherine's first ride in the stroller

As a teacher, my husband doesn't do a TON of out of town travel for work, but in the last month or so, he's been gone twice for conferences.

I shared the other day about what I did while he was gone for the first trip.

Leading up to the second trip, I was completely stressed.

I don't know why.
Maybe because he'd be gone for multiple nights.
Maybe because they were predicting a blizzard just before he left.
Maybe because he was going to be gone over my birthday.
Yes, my entire birthday.

Maybe because he does all the shoveling, and I was going to be alone right after a blizzard and knew I had to find a way out of the driveway and knew I had to somehow clear the driveway for company coming over.  (Because, after all, a girl shouldn't have to spend her birthday night alone!)

Even the bobble-head owl has had enough.

Regardless, I was a mess.

The day before he was to leave we were texting.  I shared about how the weather was messing up so many of my plans and about how stressed and anxious I was feeling.

He replied,

"Don't worry about the shoveling. I messaged {insert name of man from church who has a snow plow} to see if he could check on you and plow you out so you won't have to do it.  I take care of my girls."

It was just as simple as that.
A reminder that I didn't need to worry or obsess or stress or try to control it all.
A reminder that he takes care of us.
He sees those he loves and knows our needs and provides for us.

Oh, how it reminded me of our Heavenly Father.
How sometimes I try to control it all, thinking that it's up to me to know what's going on and to try to be in charge of it all.  When really all I need to do is trust that He knows the situation.  He knows me, and he knows my needs.  And He will provide.

And sure enough.  At the perfect time, our snow plowing friend showed up and cleared the driveway.


Obviously I have no control over the weather.  What else am I trying to handle when really I need to release and let God manage it?

What might you be trying to control when you need to give it up and give the reins back to the Father?

Your job?
Your kids?
Your lack of kids?
Your passions?
Your future?
Your marriage?
Your singleness?
Your housing situation?
Your health?
Your appearance?


God, thank you that my life is in your hands.  Help me to remember that I don't need to worry about controlling it all.  Help me to give up control and trust in your provisions.

So, I did some rearranging in the "front room" and thought I'd share some photos here.  Ya know, in case any of you like seeing home details like I do.  Keep in mind, I have no fancy camera and do not claim to be an expert in any of this.  Just sharing a bit of the Old Yellow Farmhouse.

On the other side of our red front door is our front entryway:

Ta-da!

After spending about 3 or 4 months riding around in my mini van, these second hand chairs finally got to come inside.  The table is a great drop zone for mail, keys, whatever.  The tray helps keep it contained.  Under the table is a crock full of hats and scarves to choose from.  Kind of a necessity during winter.

Handy to have a seating by the front door for putting shoes on/off

Then behind the door here we hang coats and bags.

Confession:  I removed about a dozen sweatshirts and coats before this photo was taken.

Catherine's backpack goes here right by a basket on the piano where I put all her papers from pre-school.

I have learned the importance of having what I refer to as "homes" for every little thing in my home.  So, I created that home for papers early on in the school year.  I'm still determining homes for a lot of odds and ends, which can be really overwhelming as I tackle the clutter and attempt to get better organized.  But that is something I try to remember.  After all, if an item doesn't have a home, it can never be put away.  As a mother trying to teacher her child how to help clean up, I also have to teach her about these homes so that she knows how to put things away.

This shoe cubby is actually repurposed vintage chicken nesting boxes.  When I bought it second hand I didn't know what I was going to do with it, but I knew I had to have it.  (Sometimes I'm stubborn determined like that.)  It was Josh's idea to use it as a shoe cubby, and it totally works.  I love that we were able to come together on this piece taking something that I contribute for its beauty and using in a practical way thanks to hubby's contribution.  The basket is just an easy place for Catherine to put and retrieve her shoes, and it is way too easy to buy shoes (or anything really) for that girl!

Other things of note:  the curtains are from Lowes.  The rug I found at K-Mart after searching tons of stores unsuccessfully (I sometimes still can't believe that store exists).  I like having the letter H for our last name up throughout the house.  The sign above the door I can't remember where it came from, but it says, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord," and I just think that is a perfect place for it.  The table I think I got from my parents' basement when I set up my own place after moving back to the area.  The 8 gallon crock was from an estate sale.  The piano was a huge blessing gifted from a neighbor.

And that is our front entryway!  Any questions?  Do you have a foyer or are guests immediately in a room once they're in your door?  I always thought I wanted a foyer, but this works.  What's your preference?

I am a reluctant entertainer.

I always like the idea of being hospitable.
Inviting people over.
Hosting people in our home.

When we moved to The Old Yellow Farmhouse I had grand expectations of how we would use our home to welcome people in.

But I always had - and still have - a handful of excuses that prevent me from inviting people over often.

Inviting someone into your home is like inviting someone into a deeper part of your life.  Not just the parts you proudly share on social media, but also the messy parts that typically aren't exposed.

The part I'm not supposed to show

It's revealing.
It's vulnerable.
It's nerve-wracking.

But tomorrow we're doing it.

We're having guests over for dinner.

Of course I'm feeling all last minute frantic and insecure.  So, what do I do?  I decide the pillows and throw on the grey couch need to go on the green couch, and the pillows and throw on the green couch need to go on the grey couch.

For crying out loud, the kitchen table STILL has a toy cash register on it, but I'm swapping out decorative pillows.  UGH!

Now mind you, I can't make the house too clean.  I read once somewhere that the nicest thing you can do when you invite a friend over is to not clean your house.  I guess the thinking is that if your house is messier than hers, she'll feel better about herself and her home or something along those lines.

We have to find that right balance where we treat our guests well and make them feel special, but also allow our guests to see the real us.  Flaws and all.

Fingerprints on the bathroom mirror.
A stain in the carpet.
Dust on the entertainment center.
A laundry room full of laundry.
Christmas decor still up in February (ahem).

Being authentic in our homes encourages us to be authentic in our conversations.
Opening up our homes helps us open up ourselves.
Being real about stains makes us more likely to be real about our struggles.

And I think deep down we all long for those friendships where we can be honest about ourselves and our trials, our questions and our concerns.  I hope tomorrow's dinner is a step toward that realness.

But, mark my words, that cash register will get put away.

I survived!

The other day, my husband went out of town for work. Normally when he's gone overnight, by default I just go stay at my parents' house. This time though I decided I should try to stay home and try to manage life (and Catherine) by myself.  Or sort of by myself.

Day One:  morning we went to a friend's house for a play-date.  Then my sis-in-law and her kiddos came over for the afternoon.  Catherine and I went out for dinner together in the evening.

Day Two:  my folks came over to keep us company.

Other than the random car that decided to pull in our driveway after 11:30 at night for a couple minutes that felt like hours, all was fine.  Oh, and then there was Catherine's 1 AM wake-up and crying with a cough and fever...

But we survived.

We (me, SIL, and Mom) spent our time working hard, totally rearranging and cleaning a couple rooms to surprise Josh.

We kind of have two living rooms here in the Old Yellow Farmhouse.  So, one we call The Living Room, and one we call The Front Room.  But sometimes I forget which is which because either one could be appropriately referred to as the front room.  I don't really remember my reasoning behind the terminology when we named them awhile after moving into this house back in 2012, but it's what we do.

So, we swapped some furniture between the two rooms and rearranged furniture in the living room and cleared all the clutter out (sadly, a lot of it got shoved into my office at the last minute), and now we have two nice, tidy, clean rooms.  And I can actually enjoy them.

Our Front Room (there used to be a coffee table here)

From the Front room looking into the Living Room

These chairs had been in the other room

This massive entertainment center had been on the wall now with the matching chairs.

I've been studying and pursuing de-cluttering because, frankly, I have too much clutter.

Honest moment:  I have hoarding tendencies.  I have not been in the habit or practice of purging or cleaning on a regular basis.  It's sort of my shameful secret.  But I want to change it.  I've realized the impact it has on my well being.  And I've realized the impact that our home has on our family.

My family is of greatest importance to me, and I am trying to have my life actually reflect what I say are my priorities.  So, since they are my people and the people who God has entrusted me to care for, I am trying to live that out by taking care of their environment.

Now, it's only two rooms, and I've got eight more (+ two huge storage closets) to work on too, so this is a gradual process.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with clutter and cleanliness in her home, so if you are also one with this shameful secret, maybe my coming clean will be of some encouragement to you.  Here are some of the eight remaining rooms.  Hopefully someday soon these will be their "Before" pictures.

The office/guest room

You don't have a play cash register on your kitchen table?

The laundry room; this room fills up fast with overflow!

You're welcome.  You are not alone.

You guys.  I STILL do not have a smart phone.

But now I have an Instagram.

It's so crazy that I just wrote that.

Seriously, for my first IG (how us cool 30-something year olds abbreviate Instagram) post, I arranged this great cup of coffee in my Magnolia Farms (Magnolia Market?  You know that whole Chip and JoJo Fixer Upper company) mug on my awesome second hand turquoise painted coffee table with our big picture window behind it and clicked on the button to take the pic, and it started taking video!

Ha!

I will never be tech cool.

(Ooh, try saying "tech cool" out loud a few times.  Fun.)

Hubs had the last 5 days off, and it was awesome.

Let's be real.  Sometimes I get so used to my routine Monday through Friday that when he's here I struggle.  But this long weekend was so great!  I felt like he was actually HOME the whole time.  Not distracted by work issues and work commitments.  And Catherine stayed a night with her grandparents, so we got to do whatever parents do when their child is away.  Yah know, binge watch episodes of Gilmore Girls.

But life is more than Gilmore Girls and Instagram.  Here's something a bit more meaningful:  my "job" now that my other job is over is basically my daughter.  I'm not always good at that job, but I keep plugging away because I believe it is of greatest importance.

Sunday morning while I was getting ready for church I mentioned to Catherine that I would not be in the "big church" with her and Daddy because I was going to be working in the nursery that day.

So she said, "Why are you working in the nursery?"
And since I was having a bad attitude about having to work in the nursery I sighed and said, "That's a good question, dear."

See, I am not gifted in nursery duty.  God bless those who are.  They are important and necessary people.  But I will never be one of them.  I am gifted in other areas and serve in other areas that are a much better fit.  When I'm in the nursery, it is not a good fit.  It is like a pair of too tight jeans.  You just can't be comfortable in them.  You're miserable when you sit.  You're not any better when you stand.  Your underwear starts riding up, and you can't wait to just get home and get them off!

Or is that just me?...

Well, after awhile God worked on my heart and He surprised me by having my fellow nursery worker that day be one of my newest fellow mama friends who I really rarely get to visit with.

So, later, with a softer heart and after coffee, I was able to have another convo with Catherine.

"Catherine, you remember how you asked mommy why I had to work in the nursery this morning?"

"Yah."

"Well, you know the two most important things we can do are to love God and to love others.  There are lots of ways to show love to others.  You showed love to your preschool classmates by making them Valentines cards the other day.  You and Daddy showed love to Mommy this morning by making me cards and letting me sleep in.  One way I can show love to others is by serving them.  I can serve them by working in the nursery and watching their babies so they can learn more about God by being in the big church without being distracted by having to take care of their children during that time."


It was like I couldn't wait to have that follow-up conversation once it clicked in my heart.  I'm so glad God gave me that opportunity to talk about love with my four-year-old.  I pray my heart is always open to other such teachable moments with her.  There are a lot of important values and lessons to be teaching my daughter, but since Jesus said the greatest thing we should do is to love God and love others, that's what I'm trying to focus on.  One real-life example at a time.

So, this is really recent and still pretty raw, but there's a message behind it that I believe is worth sharing.

Remember that work-from-home job that I picked up just a few months ago?
Yah.
I recently made the really hard decision to leave that job.

There were great things about that job and even greater potential.
But I really felt God telling me that it was taking me away from my family and that it just wasn't the right time for that job.

It's been really deflating and discouraging.
So I started asking myself "Why?"
"Why is it so devastating to leave that behind?"

And I came to realize that I was really struggling with the thought of losing the title "work from home mom".
I hated losing that defining part of my identity.

There are a lot of different layers and aspects of my identity, and the truth is, many of them are fleeting.  I mean, in all honesty, many things that I use to define myself could be snatched away in an instant.

Wife
Mom
Work from home mom

Any of that could change overnight, so I can't get caught up in allowing my identity to come from those things.

I have to remind myself that it is my identity in Christ that is constant, never changing.

Yes, I can still describe myself in ways such as "wife" and "mom" in an effort to find commonality with some readers.  But I also have to look at the qualifiers that I am or that I have just because of who God says I am.

So, here are some reminders.  Mainly for myself.  But maybe also for you.  Maybe you are struggling with your identity too.  Consider what is fleeting and what is constant.  I want to be grounded in the things of the never changing Father.


This list is something I received from my Moms' Group, and it would be a great list to study further and even add to.  Can I encourage you to skim the list and see what truth reaches out and speaks to you? 

Maybe you need reminding that you are His child.
Maybe you need to remember that you are His chosen one.
Maybe it's the reminder that you are redeemed and made new in Christ.

These are the things I cling to as my circumstances change and my boat gets rocked through the waves of life.

Who Am I?

I am the salt of the earth. (Matthew 5:13)