After a disastrous family trip to Kohl's this evening, I asked Josh if I could run into the Dollar Store real quick.

"Sure, what for?"

Silence.

"Hello?" he tried again, while I tried to figure out how to respond.

"I can't tell you," I said defensively.  "Christmas is coming."

The truth was I didn't want to give him a false sense of hope.  Again.


I'm cheap.
I compare prices.
I buy based on what's on sale.
Paying full price for something is a foreign concept to me.

So, when I found out the Dollar Store carries pregnancy tests I started buying them there.

No sense spending a whole lot more to get a name brand from another store.
Especially for something that I literally pee on and throw away.
Truthfully, I don't want to put a lot of investment in it because it always ends up disappointing.

For some reason our Dollar Store now moved their pregnancy tests to behind the cash registers.  As in, you have to A) already know they carry them and then B) ask an employee for it by name.  While closely surrounded by other people.

My husband has a public job and is known by a lot of people in this community.  Being married to him makes me also susceptable to being known by a lot of people.  People who I've never met.  There's no privacy for me in this town.  I never know when I'm known.

Sometimes I just don't want to be known.


I wait in line and smile warmly at the young girl behind the register when it's my turn.  I try to use a hushed tone and turn my back to anybody behind me.

"Could I get a pregnancy test?" I'm suddenly timid and nervous.

"Just one?"

I hate that question.

The answer to it is dependent upon the result of the first test.  Which is, obviously, unknown.  That's kinda the whole reason I'm there.

My frugality wins out and I always end up just getting one.
And then regretting it the next time I need one.
Because it means I have to go through this whole scenario again.

"Yah, just one."  I feel I have to provide some sort of explanation, as additional words tumble out of my mouth.  "I don't know why I just get one..."

The young girl tries to be empathetic, "I hear ya.  I hear ya."  She smiles.  I smile.  And pay her my $1.07.

She has no idea.

Does she know the eager anticipation mixed with dread when I prepare to take the test?

Does she know afterwards I quickly put all the contents back into the bag and stuff it into the trash, trying to forget all about it?  Again.  And again.  And again.

Does she know I loathe the term "only child"?

Does she know I cringed filling out a paper this week for my daughter's pre-school class that said,
"My name is     Catherine    .
I have    0   brothers and    0   sisters."

Does she know the paralysis I have currently while wondering what to do with our four year old's outgrown car seat, stroller, crib, and highchair?

Or does she think, "Her period's late; hopes she's not preggers."?

Some people can time out their pregnancies perfectly, "We decided to have February babies so that my maternity leave will coincide with ....." or "We wanted our children to be two years apart."

That amazes me.

It amazes me because I have very little control over our situation, and to think someone else can control theirs so perfectly is unfathomable.

Some friends recently shared with us news of their pregnancy.  It's supposed to be an exciting announcement.  Our response is supposed to be elation and surprise and joy.

And instead it was sadness.
Emptiness.
And a feeling of loss and missing out.

I don't know why this is the path God has us on.
But I know I felt compelled to share this tonight.
Maybe someone walking this same path needed to read it.

If that's the case, please allow me to extend to you, "I hear ya.  I hear ya." And a smile.
Know you're not alone in this sad struggle.
May we find fulfillment and wholeness in our identify in Christ, rather than the size of our family.

photo by Peter Ringenberg

I used to be a professional.


A professional what?

It doesn't matter.

A professional.


The point is that I'm no longer professional in any sense of the word.

I ran into my old boss randomly today.

At first I was apprehensive.  I didn't want to interrupt his work.  I didn't want to be a bother to him and his professional colleagues.

I was wearing a tank top and casual gauchos (as opposed to my dressy gauchos).

I felt under-dressed and inappropriate and inferior and not professional.

I felt like a stay-at-home mom.

(Sidenote:  have you ever tried to update your resume when you've spent the last three years as a stay-at-home mom?  Yah, good luck with that!)

This random run-in and a rough evening of parenting has left me longing for my past.


My friend Lisa-Jo says that becoming a mother is like breaking up with yourself.

I think I've only recently really begun to grasp the deep deep truth behind that statement.

I wasn't ready to break up with my old self.

I'm missing my past tonight.

The title I had.
The respect.
My wardrobe.

The fact that I was somebody besides mother of Catherine, wife of Josh.
The fact that I was known for my own accomplishments and successes.
The fact that I worked hard and had tangible things to show for it.


Motherhood is hard.  I failed at it tonight.

I told Catherine I'm never buying her a dress again.
Ya know, because she has about 30 and refuses to wear them.
(Update:  I've already broken this promise.)

I worked hard at my desk job, and I was good at it.


Motherhood is hard.

Believe or not, Josh is already back to work, and the local kids are already back in school.

This summer break was the shortest ever - 8 weeks.  We are so grateful, though, for that perk of his occupation!!

About the beginning of June or so, I wrote up a little list of things I wanted to get done this summer.  How'd we do?

• Purge (still doing)
• Organize (this is really slow going, but I'm working on it)
• Decorate (work in progress, but mostly comes after the organizing; also, this is really hard to measure/assess)
• Hang pics/gallery wall (nope)
• Paint front door (I've narrowed it down to 3 colors, and really 1 I think, but it's not the same one that hubby wants, so for now we just have 3 red paint swatches taped to our front door, can you say ghetto?)

• Grill pizzas (still gotta do this)
• Dentist appointments for all 3 of us (appointments made and scheduled for this week!  It will be C's first dentist experience!  She's excited; I hope I don't make her nervous.)
• Wonderland Theater (Josh and I got to see "Paper Towns" as a Thursday matinee - when all you can eat popcorn is free, woot woot!)
• Buy a new vacuum
• Buy a dirt devil/dustbuster
• Host a yard sale (done!  times 2!)

• Go on a couples trip (Josh & I celebrated our 5th anniversary with a trip to Michigan - Saginaw, Birch Run, Traverse City)

• Go on a family trip (sorry, kid.)
• Camp in our backyard
• Use our firepit
• Make smores
• Teach C how to wipe her bottom independently (a good thing to know how to do especially considering she starts pre-school in a month!)
• Get estimates for windows (ugh.  I feel like I need to get my house organized first.)
• Stain the back deck (ahem)
• Go to the beach (we went when Josh's Las Vegas family was in town; then Catherine & I went again with her cousins and aunt)

Sadly, there was no big family road trip this summer.  But maybe we can do some little trips on the weekends.  I know things will be different with Catherine now having her own school schedule to consider, so we'll just have to be diligent to use the time we have!

Whoa, I did not think picking a preschool would be so hard!!!

I am freaking out about it.

Just some of the thoughts swirling through my head today as I whittled it down to six choices:

This will be Catherine's first formal education experience.  How will she do in a classroom?  Will she behave?  Will she be nice?  Will she make friends?  Will I make friends with other parents?

How does preschool drop off and pickup fit into my schedule?  What do I do while she's at preschool?  Why aren't there any Monday & Wednesday options?  How is a Tuesday & Thursday option going to affect my weekly moms group?

It's going to be so weird to go to Moms Group alone.

That wasn't part of the plan.

I wasn't supposed to have the freedom of two free hours every Tuesday morning to sit at a coffee house and write or do whatever I want.


I'm not ready to let go of her.

Not yet.

But I know she's ready.

I have to do it for her.

I'm putting her needs before mine.

Isn't that the definition of motherhood?


Would it be any easier to send her off if I had another at home?

I just don't know.

I just won't know.

I stumbled across a post this evening written by a man who appears to have it out for the church.  So, it's going to be easy for him to find faults with Christians.

He shared his first-hand experience of how he witnessed the low-life down the street snow blow the sidewalk of the entire block.

He then shared how the man at the holy church next door has never gone an inch beyond their property line in their snow blowing efforts.

I know it can seem petty or insignificant, but Church, the world is watching.  Don't let them use you as their excuse.

So many times I hear or think about the phrase "In the wrong place at the wrong time."

I've experienced it too.

Not as traumatically as others.  As I reflect back on 9/11, it's clear many people that day were "in the wrong place at the wrong time."

You hear about these freak accidents of a tree randomly falling on someone.  Sadly, I am aware of multiple freak accidents like that.

Or a car crash - what are the chances that those two vehicles would cross paths at that same time?

But tonight was different.

Tonight I was in the right place at the right time.

And I look back over the evening and ponder so many things that put me in that place at that precise time.

It's Friday night.  We like to go out for dinner on Friday nights.  We went to our favorite local restaurant.  And we were famished, so we went early.

I think about our waiter and how he served us and at what pace.
I think about our toddler and how she behaved remarkably well, which allowed us to stay for an extended time.
I think about how I forgot to use the restroom like I had planned, which would have altered the time we left the restaurant.

So many little things that caused us to be in the parking lot at our car at the exact time we were.

Catherine was slowly (of course) getting into her car seat, and we were patiently (of course) waiting.

BOOM!

What was that??

I look up and over back toward the restaurant.  Oh man, a truck just backed into another car.  Or did two vehicles back into each other?  No, that silver car is empty.  Oh man, the truck just hit a second car!  What is going on??

Knowing with no doubt in my mind what I need to do, I start walking over toward the vehicle in question.  Wait a minute, um, he's not stopping.  What??  No, he seriously can't be driving away from such obvious, hard hits.

Another patron is approaching the truck and talking with the driver.

Was it his car the guy hit?  Does he know him?  Are they in on this together?  No, he's trying to convince the driver to stop.

Wait.  The guy is driving away.  What?  Somebody stop him.  How?  I keep getting closer to the scene, but the guy is getting away.

I approach the group of people there who had seen it and learn that not only had they seen this man hit the cars, but they also saw him stumbling drunk out of the restaurant.

My brain just keeps going.  Who do we need to contact?  What action needs to be taken?

I know.

It's been a LONG time since I've had to use it, but I know I need to call 911.

Between the few of us there, we are able to give a decent description of the driver and his vehicle (which included a dent in the driver door) and the direction he was going when he left the parking lot.

But time quickly passes.  He goes around the corner.  And is gone.

After the call I continue conversing with the other witnesses.  I walk back to our car where my husband and daughter are patiently waiting.  I know what we have to do next.  I direct Josh to go in the direction the truck went.

I'm not optimistic, but I'm determined.

We go slowly, scanning all driveways, parking lots, side streets.  And as we do, I'm so mad at myself for not taking a picture of the guy or his vehicle.

I had said his license plate number out loud, but only remembered a few of the digits.  TK and an 8 and 9 somewhere.  Maybe a 1, 5, and 3.

What color was the truck?  Silver?  Tan?  How can it be a mixture of both??

We go through a nearby neighborhood and look at the plates of a couple similar looking trucks.

"TK!"  I exclaim and then realize it's the start of all the truck license plates.  Darnit!

We search down one more side street; then my phone rings.  It's dispatch.  They want the info of the vehicles that were hit.  They tell me an officer is at the scene.  I tell them I'll go back to talk to the officer.

On the way back we continue searching.  Josh's slow driving was driving me bonkers.  He told me I needed to calm down.  I told him I would if he'd step it up a bit.

As we pull back into the parking lot I see the police car ahead.  And as we're approaching it, I stare down one more truck going in the opposite direction.  Dented driver door.  I turn around and see an 8 and 9 in the license plate!  It's him!

"Pull up to the police car!"  I holler at Josh, knowing time is of the essence.

"I think that's the guy!!" I shout to the patrolwoman.  She asks if I was the one who got hit.

"No, I'm the one who called 911."

She took my word and went off after him.

Fast forward a bit to another phone call with dispatch.  I gave them additional information, and the dispatcher said, "It looks like they got him."

"Really?!  It was him?!"  I thought it was too good to be true.

I was astounded.  Excited.  Proud.

"Sorry," I apologized for my enthusiasm.  "I'm just a fighter of injustice.  And I feel like tonight justice won!"  My eyes teared up, and I swallowed a lump in my throat.

After I got off the phone, I contemplated that maybe the dispatcher just made that up to shut me up.  But I figured I'd let myself believe it for now anyways.

Fast forward to later at home.  The police officer who I literally yelled at in the parking lot is calling me.  And sure enough.  She confirmed it.

"We got the guy.  You were right.  It was him.  He had a blood alcohol level almost three times the legal limit.  He's locked up in jail."

My heart smiled.  It burst with joy.

Justice did win tonight.  It may not tomorrow or the day after that.  But I'm going to enjoy tonight's win just for the moment.

When I texted the news to the other witness (the one who approached the truck, informing the drunk driver that he just hit two vehicles and was trying to convince him to not drive away), his response summed it up well, "Great to hear!  You may have saved a life tonight!"


Tonight I was in the right place at the right time.

But that's not enough.

It takes being in the right place at the right time, and doing the right thing.

I don't share this to boast.  I do it to encourage you that if you find yourself happening upon some form of injustice, don't assume someone else will fight it or let someone else deal with it.

I could have very easily just looked away, shaking my head, thinking "Bummer for them." after those cars were hit.  I could have taken the easy way out, thinking about how I just want to get on with my evening and head to Target.

I could have let the guy just drive on knowing he was drunk because how was I gonna stop him.  I could have viewed the whole situation as hopeless, not worth fighting.

But, I am a fighter.  There is hope.  And one person can make a difference.

There is victory for us injustice fighters tonight!

Our next house WILL have a basement.

August 5th will be two years since we moved to this town city.

I'm getting antsy.

Again.

I keep thinking about just selling it ALL and living on the road.

Life in an RV.

Simplicity.

But, then again, an RV doesn't have a basement.

Woke up to a sick child.

Puke in bed.  On daddy's side of the bed.  (Phew.)

My back was getting better on Sunday; I thought I was actually returning to normal.  But Monday proved otherwise.

I miss normal

But I'm gradually makin' my way back to it.

I got to enjoy lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants with a friend from high school (and college) who I hadn't seen in awhile.  We shared stories.  We ate chips.  It was a nice break.

Then I stepped foot in a chiropractor's office for the first time.  Though still in pain, I did notice increased range of motion and movement, so that's good.  I've got a second massage appointment scheduled for later this week.

By the time I got home Catherine was back to her usual overactive self.  I know that makes her sound like a bladder, but it's the best word I can think of to describe my girl.

She even went with Daddy to the local grocery store for some goodies before the weekly sales ended tonight.

She was back to herself, and I was kind of missing the quiet, calm, cuddly girl from this morning.

After awhile she was asking me to rest with her on the couch.  "Lay down on the pillow."



It was nice to snuggle for a bit.  Then she got up, wandered over to Daddy, and wanted to cuddle with him.

This really should have tipped us off.  For whatever reason she prefers to do her puking on Daddy.  (Did I train her well or what?)

A moment later, we heard it coming.  All over Daddy.  All over Catherine.  All over the floor.  And projectile on the chevron ottomans.

(insert sigh here)

I've learned to be ok with "used" condition to my furniture.  Even my couch.  Though maybe not quite my chair.  Yet.

Wow, what a day!  With my spirited toddler at her grandparents for the day, I had dreams of going vintage and resale shopping in Elkhart with my good friend Kate.  But now I'm thinking the day would have been less stressful if I had instead stayed home with the toddler.

It started in a most bizarre way, as Kate's first words to me were, "Did you know you have a huge chunk of ham in your driveway?"

In case you were wondering, the answer was no.  I did not know.

But she was right.


Up next was a soft pretzel from Ben's.  Great choice.

But next came hitting the worst pothole on US 33.  Hard.  I saw it at the last second and tried to dodge it, but I wasn't fast enough.  Sigh...

I saw my hubcap or something go rolling in my rear view mirror.  I knew it was unfortunate.  But then the car started shaking.  Darnit.  My tire was ruined. I guess this is what I get for pawning off my daughter and trying to have a day of indulgent shopping.


So glad my friend was with me, as my thinking slows down in situations like that.  She suggested to manuever my car around and turn off 33 and head into the Kohl's and Target parking lot.

Hey, if you're gonna be stranded, Target is a good place to be near.  Am I right?

So we made it into the lot by a huge dirty snow pile.  From there I spent a few minutes on the phone trying to get answers on our insurance coverage.  I spent more time listening to menu options than actually talking to a real person.  Finally got the answer I was expecting - no coverage.  I had recently heard about my friend's experience with pothole damage costing him over $1,000.  Just dandy.

I knew I couldn't bother Josh with any of this because this is one of his busiest weekends for work, and there would be nothing he could do to help me anyways.

In life I believe it's helpful to have connections with certain kind of people.  For example I'm glad I have a Lawyer Friend and a Police Officer Friend and a Doctor Friend for their occupational expertise and advice.  I quickly sent a text to our Car Repair Friend for his advice.

Unsure how else to spend the time, Kate and I walked to Target.  Of course.

After browsing the $1 section, I saw our Snow Plow Friend heading out of the store.  I quickly remembered he's also a Construction Friend, Handyman Friend, and basically a Jack-of-all-Trades Friend.  I yelled out his name across the store.  When you're desperate, you don't care about decorum.

I then proceeded to watch the fastest tire change I'd ever witnessed.  He gave me the name of a great place where I could go for a fix.  I put air in the spare (Josh should be so proud), called the tire shop, and left Target without even shopping and still with my unfinished Ben's pretzel from about 90 minutes prior.

Kate kindly kept me company at the tire shop, for which I am so grateful.  It's not the sort of place I'd really want to hang out alone.  They had "Friday the 13th" playing on the TV in the waiting corner - no separate lobby or waiting room; we were definitely just hanging out in a garage for an hour.  I was so grateful Catherine wasn't with me there.

After watching them do things I didn't know were possible, the guys were finished and gave me a bill. $60 later we were on our way out.

A non-moving train kept us extending our visit to the other side of the tracks for awhile longer, and we then reached the sad conclusion that we didn't have enough time to do any of our shopping in Elkhart.  Sigh...

What a day.


But boy am I grateful no one was hurt in our drama on the road.  Grateful there was a safe parking lot nearby that we made it to.  Grateful that our friend and I crossed paths at precisely the right time at Target.  Grateful for his DIY skills and recommendation of the affordable tire shop.  Grateful Kate was with me and Catherine wasn't.  Grateful all of this could be taken care of without having to add another stressor to Josh's day.  And grateful for that Ben's pretzel, which I finally finished eating.

Now, what to do with the ham...

I'm just gonna say it:

I HATE WINTER.

I swear every year is worse than the last.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.

We have had uber cold temps - especially for December!  The other morning I called the "time & temp", and it said "-5".  Did you hear that, people?!?  NEGATIVE FIVE!!!!!  And we had to go out in it!

Then today we got dumped on by snow ALL day.  I mean, we woke up to it, and it just kept coming and coming.  Again, the perfect sort of day to just stay home, right?

But we had places to go and people to see.  It was a full day for our schedule.

I had to venture out first for a neighborhood board meeting (oh yes, I'm now on our neighborhood board).

We later attended a "Gotcha Party" to celebrate our friends adopting a daughter.

Our third event of the day - a Christmas Open House - got postponed because of the awful roads/weather.  So instead we made a Target run and then treated ourselves to Hacienda.  Yum!

Catherine, our lovely now two year old, cut our dinner short by behaving like a two year old, and on the way home, I said to Josh, "I don't know if it's even worth it to go out anymore."

I wasn't saying this because of the weather.  I was saying this because we end up so exhausted from dealing with her antics that it's making me ponder just staying home.

I really don't have anything important to say.  I just realized it had been a long time since I'd posted, and the last post was such a downer that I thought I'd post something random and lighthearted.

Oh, poor Catherine every so often has problems pooping.  We have yet to pinpoint the cause, but sometimes she gets pretty constipated and then when she tries pooping (still in a diaper, BTW) she just cries, poor girl.  I talk to her all the time, so recently I started trying to explain to her that it hurts because she's constipated.  I thought it might help her understand part of it if I named/defined the problem.

So now when she's trying to poop - which isn't just in the comfort of a bathroom, mind you, but out in public - she cries and yells "I'M CONSTIPATED!!"

Poor girl, but funny.  I can't help but chuckle.  It's just funny to hear that shouted from a two year old.

So, going back to the Christmas Open House I mentioned...  I am SO excited for this party!!  Fortunately, instead of just canceling it, it was postponed to tomorrow evening.  I should really lower my expectations so that I don't set the bar too high and then feel letdown.  But, seriously, I am pumped!  The hosts are new friends from our church, and it sounds like they love to entertain as much as I do.  Anticipating this event is making me remember how much I used to frequent parties, and realize how much I miss attending and hosting parties!!

I've done a football themed birthday party for Josh the last two years, so I think I'm going to make that an annual thing - maybe move it up a bit to hopefully get nicer weather so the party can expand outside if desired or needed.  We don't have a TON of space indoors, so I like the thought of being able to expand onto the back deck, the front porch, and the back yard.

Football shaped brownies (not as easy as I expected them to be) on a football field platter

Veggies, dip, and hummus in my football shaped bowl

I think this diamond partyware is the first set of fun partyware that I got.

I loved getting to use that condiment holder - 1st time!

This was definitely one of the smallest spreads I've done at a party; I was trying to scale back so I wouldn't get too stressed and overwhelmed.

Catherine in her Notre Dame jersey helping Daddy blow out the birthday cake candles

This shows a perfect example of someone practicing our family tradition of cutting your own piece of cake - however you like it!

My nephew in his ND jersey

My niece and daughter have often worn matching ND dresses this year - how fun!

 I didn't intend to turn this into a party post, but oh well.  Hopefully I'll be able to post sometime soon about Catherine's 2nd birthday party.

"This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it!"

Headache
Laundry
Dragging

Three words that sum up my day thus far.

But I'm thankful for a baby who is flexible enough to nap in her pack n play when mommy is behind on laundry, and she has leaked through her diaper two nights this week.

Who would have thought two mattress pads wouldn't be enough?

This morning the heater kicked on.
Now the AC upstairs is running.
What bizarre weather we have.
We had to cover plants in the garden two nights ago due to a freeze warning overnight.  I think it got down to 30.
Crazy.

Mother's Day was wonderful.  I woke up to my girl and my guy wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  On my nightstand:  roses, two cards, and a box of cherry pop tarts.  My husband knows me, and that makes me rejoice.  Bagels at church, a cookout at Jen and Andy's.  Cake for Jen's birthday, relaxing and visiting with lots of family.  These are things in which I delight.

We are celebrating with my in-laws tonight.  Still trying to figure out where to take them for dinner.  Still trying to get used to this new town I live in.  It's been over nine months already.  It feels more like two or three to me.

It's been hard.
It's been real hard.
It's been lonely.

I'm not used to being the new person.  The anonymous person.  The unknown person.  The lonely person.

I feel like we have connected with people from our church.  We have a great small group.  And I've just found a new Moms group to connect with.

Being a stay-at-home mom can be very isolating.

But it is getting better.

We have a smart, healthy, spunky 18 month old, and for that I am so grateful.

Thankful for the sun and the breeze and a moment to sit on the front porch and enjoy a delicious cup of chocolate raspberry flavored coffee.  My striped mug almost matches my new striped patio furniture cushions.



"Rejoice in the Lord always.  And again I say rejoice!"

so do you think i could actually post a little blog of something to be thankful for every day in november?  or at least until thanksgiving?

hmmm, we'll see.  maybe it will last a day.  ha.

i am grateful for my new job.  as trying as it may be - and believe me, it is - i am truly grateful that i can stay home with catherine to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.

it took us about a month or so to get into our routine and figure out our groove together in a new city and with josh going back to work and me staying at home.  i tell ya - it was a lot of change all at once.  but we are exploring our new town and getting out there and trying new things.  we are both learning and growing together.

the last two days i really felt like quitting my job.  it was a very rough couple of days.  but the fact that it was the first thing that came to mind as i show gratitude for specific aspects of my life shows how easily i can overlook the challenging times to focus on the good.

thank you, God, for giving josh a good full-time job so i can have my good full-time job as well!