I can't do two events in five days.

Especially when I'm sick.

Saturday's bridal shower was awesome.  I'm so grateful for so much help from others.  I can't even imagine getting through it without their help.

Saturday night Catherine started getting sick.

Now I have it.

And my first Women's Ministry event is in two days.

Of course I'm no where near ready.

Because all my focus has been on Saturday's event. And Catherine's health.  And now my own.

And because I don't do well with church politics.  And bureaucracy.  And trying to navigate my way down the proper channels of communication and permission.

Sometimes it's just easiest for me to do my own thing instead of trying to follow somebody else's arbitrary preferences.

I have a voice.  Let it be heard.

I have gifts.  Let them be shared.

I have passion.  Let it be used.

If this is offensive to you, blame my fever.  Or the strong odor of my perfume that Catherine got into while I was resting.  But you're probably not one of my regular readers anyways.

Now I'm gonna curl back up in my blankets.

This evening I went to a funeral visitation.

It wasn't something I was excited about.
It wasn't something I really even wanted to do.

But I know it's important.

I know it matters.

I remember losing the only Grandpa I ever knew.
I remember losing my Grandma.
I remember losing my Uncle.
I remember losing my other Grandma.
I remember losing Josh's Grandpa,
Josh's Grandma,
Josh's Uncle.

I remember thinking, "Maybe one of my friends will show up at the funeral or visitation.  Or send flowers.  Or a card."

Is that too much to ask?

It would have helped.
It would have meant so much.
Just to see a familiar face.
To see a friend.
To see that someone cared.

I've been to funerals or visitations of people I've never met.

But they were loved by others whom I love.

And as a way of showing my love, care, and concern, I go.
I show up.

Even when I don't want to.
Even when it's awkward and not easy and I have to answer uncomfortable questions from my curious daughter who is attending a visitation with me.

I force myself to go to funerals because it matters.

It makes a difference.

It's seen.

And it's appreciated.

A few weeks ago my status on facebook said something like, "Planning a bridal shower, Catherine's birthday party, my mom's birthday party, and two women's events.  I'm in heaven."

It was heaven then, but as the events get closer, they always morph into something else.

It's crunch time for the bridal shower now.  Three days away.  I'm excited about it, but there is much to be done.

Decided to use this stash that I had gotten over multiple purchases, all on clearance

My sister-in-law Jen is co-hosting with me, and we are having the event at her church.  It definitely alleviates some stress to not have to hold an event in your home.  No worries about cleaning up your house - on top of everything else that has to be done for event prep.  But it does add a new set of challenges.

We planned on starting set-up Wednesday or Thursday, working all day Friday, and then doing last minute food Saturday morning.  However, we hadn't planned for the unexpected:  death.

Yep, there's going to be a funeral and funeral dinner at the church Friday evening.  Definitely out of our control.

So, we will head over after her kiddos and mine are in bed, work late Friday night, get up early (painful for me) Saturday, and work til the shower starts at 11.


The overwhelmed paralysis has set in.  I just keep adding to my lists of "Things To Do" and "Things To Take". 

Fortunately, Jen and I make a great team when it comes to events, and she's able to do much to help.  Also her mom and sister Stephanie are helping with a couple items.  This special event is to celebrate her sister Charissa's upcoming marriage.  A lot of Charissa's family friends in this area haven't met her fiance, so we decided to include him and make it co-ed.

I'm going with kind of a rustic, comfort-food theme.  Nothing overly frilly or fancy, since there will be men there.  I'm excited to be trying some new things for this event.  But I'm also well aware of how much still needs to be done!  It will be a night of little sleep.

When it's over tomorrow, I will rest.

And then start focusing on next week's event.

I was giddy when I realized today's date in my calendar/agenda book was blank.

I had thought about doing certain things today since I had the time and availability, but then I remembered I don't need to be the one to step up and come to the rescue.

As my mom recently started saying, "It's not my monkey, and it's not my circus."

Bam!

So, instead I enjoyed my day off.

Catherine & I slept in, lounged around, read, played, enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company, and one of us even enjoyed an iced coffee.

I didn't check my email.  I didn't check my facebook.

I know full well that there are many things there to deal with, but I decided it could wait til evening.

It was an awesome liberating feeling.

Instead I got to enjoy a few chapters from this lovely inspiration, picked up from yesterday's library visit.


And I even planned dinner, albeit leftovers.

And now as Josh & Catherine are at their Wednesday night church, I relax by writing to the sound of the ceiling fan spinning round and round.

I promised myself after the last post that the next post I would write would be called, "Fighting Fear."  But instead I'm inspired to write something else.

I just sat down and exhaled.

Truly exhaled.

For what felt like the first time today.

And it's almost 1:30 in the afternoon.

I am looking desperately for balance and not yet grasping it.

If I had a smart phone or knew how to take (and FIND) screen shots, I would insert a map that showed my travels for today.

The day started off early, which I never like.  I contemplated resetting the alarm clock and actually enjoying a couple more hours of sleep (especially since my child was at her grandparents'), but I made a commitment for this morning, so I kept it.

I headed west a couple cities over for a new Bible Study.   But I know I can't keep that up weekly.  That is my reality.  I AM MAXED.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  And really maybe I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

After Bible Study I had to hurry off for a Shop the House meet.  This is a local group that meets to sell or buy items.  Kind of like a local craigslist.  We have been pursuing purging in our household, so this time instead of buying I'm actually selling.

Then I had to hurry to my folks' house, scarf down lunch/brunch (not that I had eaten breakfast), hurry Catherine along, and rush out for the next time constraint.

Preschool.

But before that, another new commitment:  picking up a classmate of hers.  So, I had to drive a new route, so focused on the newness of it all that I almost didn't see a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes.  That is so not me, by the way!

Then find the classmate's babysitter's house, figure out his car seat, and get them to pre-school.

Then we had to wait, since there's just a 5 minute window for preschool drop-off (unless you're one of the parents who ignore that rule and just show up, drop off, and leave whenever you darn well like).

After both kids were in the seats, and the classmate's car seat was out of my van, I came to the local library to hang out.

Because now I try to basically kill time for two afternoons a week.

So, I found the local library, found a table, sat down, and exhaled.

Hallelujah!

I don't know.  Are you getting any sense as to why I've been experiencing anxiety lately?

Last week I couldn't even relax during the preschool wait time because I was too stressed about having to stay aware of how much time I had left, what time I had to leave, what route I had to take, etc. etc.

This has to end!  Somehow.  Lord, help me.

(And I haven't even mentioned today's evening activities...)

So, there are a ton of things that I struggle with.  But it really wasn't that long ago that I realized fear was not one of my struggles.

So, of course that had to change.

I don't know if it was due to pride or just a change in my season of life or what, but suddenly my being has become full of fear and anxiety.

The last week has been really really hard. Like, some days I'm surprised I'm still going.

Tonight, it's a whole new fear, and it's keeping me up late.

For I know once I wake up I have to face a fear.  A big fear.

Off and on over the last year or so, I've been dealing with some pretty crappy situations regarding my health.  I'm sparing you the details.  They went away for awhile but came back.

In the last couple weeks I've gone through some tests, and everything has come back clear.

Tomorrow is one more test.  And I'm afraid of it.

I'm afraid of it not coming back clear.

But I think even more so I'm also afraid of it being clear and fine just like all the others.

Because that means still no answers.

And I don't know which terrifies me more:  an official name of a diagnosis or no known cause of said crappy health problems.

After tomorrow's test there will be a discussion of options.  Which, of course, is another part that scares me.

The thing is...  there are no good options.  There are crushing, devastating, drastic options that mean the end of our chances at our family's growth.

And I'm not ready for that possibility.

I'm not ready for that decision to be made by someone else and for us to be forced into it.

I'm not ready to quit and give up.

So tonight I'm praying for clarity,
for guidance,
for peace,
for sleep,
and rest.

Sometimes balance is hard.

That's the season I'm in right now.

Man, life is busy.

And that from a person who really strives to say no to things.

I'm really happy to be doing some things that I enjoy tremendously.  I'm now in charge of Women's Ministry at our church.  This still cracks me up.

I'm also on the planning team for my weekly mamas' group.


I also plan the Moms' Night Out events for that.

I'm entering my 2nd year serving on the team from our church that serves a local elementary school.  I somehow slipped into the role of interim leader...  I'm trying to get out of that, but it's taking awhile since there is no other interim leader.  I'd be happiest just getting to do my little things to encourage the teachers.  Last year we I did handwritten notes of encouragement and Bible verses to all the staff.  I put together little cups of flavored hot cocoa for them.

Go ahead - click on the pic to read the cheesy note!

I obtained gift cards for the staff for a local pretzel shop and a local coffee house.  We also did little treats and notes around Thanksgiving, as well as cards for Christmas and Easter.  And then there was the ice cream party I organized for the whole school of 500.

Trunk full of ice cream

The more involved I am, the more I realize what I truly enjoy doing and the more I try to embrace those things.  I am an encourager.  I am a planner.  I create cute things and cute events.  I write.  I blog.  I mother.

And with mothering a now pre-schooler, there comes a whole new set of responsibilities to manage.  Paying monthly tuition (gulp!), keeping track of special days, parties, assignments (show and tell of an object starting with the first letter of your name, for example), in addition to remembering to pick her up on time (I'm gonna have to set an alarm on my phone).

So, things feel a little full right now.

We're taking a break from gymnastics.  This makes me sad, but I also know we need some sanity around here.

Josh and Catherine are attending Wednesday night church, while I'm taking a break and trying to use that time to work on some of the above ministry tasks.

Josh wanted us to attend a new Sunday School class, but I had to say, "My plate is full.  You can attend it without me if you'd like."

I'm trying to find more crock-pot recipes to help with the busyness of it all.  Tonight's meal is bourbon chicken over rice (Note to self:  make sure we have enough rice!).  When I pinned and suggested it, I assumed Josh would be making it.  So when I was putting it all together this morning, I had to text Josh with about half a dozen questions. I'm so grateful my husband is one who does a ton around the house and doesn't complain when I don't!

Sometimes I just have to force myself to say, "Ok, task #14 didn't get done today.  I can't do everything.  I have to be ok with that.  Tomorrow is a new day.  We'll work on task #14 tomorrow.  I'll enlist the help of a grandparent or two to entertain Catherine while I can accomplish some things."

It helps when I feel less stressed and more organized.  There is peace that comes with being prepared.  So, since that was yesterday when task #14 didn't get done, I'd better go do it now!

Yes, Daddy took part of the day off to join us for this monumental occasion!

Finding her name

"Why are they still taking my picture?..."

Pre-school is fun!