I could write paragraph after paragraph, page after page, post after post about all I'm doing wrong.

Seriously.  I don't cook.  I don't clean.  I complain.  And I procrastinate.

Some days my daughter practically drags me out of bed.

I nag my husband.

I don't exercise.

I eat out too much.

I don't budget.

There are all sorts of failures in every possible category.

But, for a change, can I just focus on something I'm doing right?

I can't resist a picture of sleeping beauty.

Tonight with both Josh and Catherine in bed and me still downstairs working on an upcoming event, I kept hearing random noises coming from upstairs.
Curiosity got the best of me, and I tried to tiptoe up the old creaky steps in our 110 year old farmhouse.  Fortunately, Catherine's sound machine and fan covered up the creaking, so she had no idea I was standing outside her bedroom door.

What I saw and what I heard made my soul rejoice.

Catherine lay in her bed with her nightlight on, surrounded by books and bears and blankets.  She was reading aloud The Prayer that Makes God Smile, underlining words with her finger, moving left to right, row after row as she read her own version of the story.

I love hearing her read, seeing what she remembers of books, and what she improvises.

I love seeing her mimic how we read to her.

I love that she gets how it works to see the letters on the pages and know that they make up the words we say.

But what I loved the most is the message she kept proclaiming tonight.

Yes, she really fell asleep like that one night.

"We have to eat every good thing.  Like apples and oranges and bananas.  Chips are ok.  Hummus is healthy."  She's been really interested in labeling food as "healthy" or "junk food" thanks to borrowing my parents' The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food.

"We have to obey our mommy and daddy.  We have to do what is right.  We have to obey God."  I started thinking of conversations I'd initiate tomorrow to talk about why we should obey.

"God always loves you.  God always protects you.  He protects you during the day, and He protects you at night.  He protects you from bees.

"He is with you always.  You can talk to Him all the time.  He listens to you all the time.  And He loves you all the time.  He is our provider, our helper, and our King.

"He loves you, guides you, and protects you.  Jesus died on the cross for you.  And He loves you always.  He loves you forever.  As long as I'm living, my Jesus He'll be."

She continued sharing the same positive message, some of which was borrowed from I'll Love You Forever  also from my folks' collection.

It was so encouraging to realize that she's hearing the message.

She's hearing it from Josh and me.  From her grandparents.  And aunts and uncles.  From her summer Wednesday church program.  From her teachers at Children's Church.  From the daily devotionals we have together.

We're doing something right!

And this "something" is a very important thing.

The last few days have been very different in my life.

I'm installing more routine and more self discipline when it comes to my schedule.

Getting up and ready early (early for me, at least).

Being more present in my daughter's life, as opposed to my own tasks.

Devotions at breakfast.

Going to bed earlier.

NOT napping (ugh).

Less internet searching, pointless scrolling, or Bejeweled Blitz playing.

Less time wasting.

More intentional time spending.

More meal planning.

More simplifying.

More praying.

Today's sermon at church was about "Life With Jesus."  I soaked it up.

My weekly moms' group kicks off this week where we will be studying how to be a woman after God's own heart.

And, ahem, official announcement:  I am now organizing Women's Ministry at our church.

Yah, that's even surprising to me.  So uniquely orchestrated, it could only be God.

I'm spending this Sunday evening pouring into the organizing and the communicating, and the foundational details, while listening to chick music and eating yogurt (all while dealing with a 3 1/2 year old who is up past her bedtime, with a variety of "needs").

Josh is getting into the groove of his back to work routine.  And now Catherine and I are entering into our new routines.

This is not going to come easily or naturally to me, so hopefully writing about it will help me with some accountability.  I praise God for the changes He has made within me, and I will continue asking God to renew and reshape me.

I used to be a professional.


A professional what?

It doesn't matter.

A professional.


The point is that I'm no longer professional in any sense of the word.

I ran into my old boss randomly today.

At first I was apprehensive.  I didn't want to interrupt his work.  I didn't want to be a bother to him and his professional colleagues.

I was wearing a tank top and casual gauchos (as opposed to my dressy gauchos).

I felt under-dressed and inappropriate and inferior and not professional.

I felt like a stay-at-home mom.

(Sidenote:  have you ever tried to update your resume when you've spent the last three years as a stay-at-home mom?  Yah, good luck with that!)

This random run-in and a rough evening of parenting has left me longing for my past.


My friend Lisa-Jo says that becoming a mother is like breaking up with yourself.

I think I've only recently really begun to grasp the deep deep truth behind that statement.

I wasn't ready to break up with my old self.

I'm missing my past tonight.

The title I had.
The respect.
My wardrobe.

The fact that I was somebody besides mother of Catherine, wife of Josh.
The fact that I was known for my own accomplishments and successes.
The fact that I worked hard and had tangible things to show for it.


Motherhood is hard.  I failed at it tonight.

I told Catherine I'm never buying her a dress again.
Ya know, because she has about 30 and refuses to wear them.
(Update:  I've already broken this promise.)

I worked hard at my desk job, and I was good at it.


Motherhood is hard.

Believe or not, Josh is already back to work, and the local kids are already back in school.

This summer break was the shortest ever - 8 weeks.  We are so grateful, though, for that perk of his occupation!!

About the beginning of June or so, I wrote up a little list of things I wanted to get done this summer.  How'd we do?

• Purge (still doing)
• Organize (this is really slow going, but I'm working on it)
• Decorate (work in progress, but mostly comes after the organizing; also, this is really hard to measure/assess)
• Hang pics/gallery wall (nope)
• Paint front door (I've narrowed it down to 3 colors, and really 1 I think, but it's not the same one that hubby wants, so for now we just have 3 red paint swatches taped to our front door, can you say ghetto?)

• Grill pizzas (still gotta do this)
• Dentist appointments for all 3 of us (appointments made and scheduled for this week!  It will be C's first dentist experience!  She's excited; I hope I don't make her nervous.)
• Wonderland Theater (Josh and I got to see "Paper Towns" as a Thursday matinee - when all you can eat popcorn is free, woot woot!)
• Buy a new vacuum
• Buy a dirt devil/dustbuster
• Host a yard sale (done!  times 2!)

• Go on a couples trip (Josh & I celebrated our 5th anniversary with a trip to Michigan - Saginaw, Birch Run, Traverse City)

• Go on a family trip (sorry, kid.)
• Camp in our backyard
• Use our firepit
• Make smores
• Teach C how to wipe her bottom independently (a good thing to know how to do especially considering she starts pre-school in a month!)
• Get estimates for windows (ugh.  I feel like I need to get my house organized first.)
• Stain the back deck (ahem)
• Go to the beach (we went when Josh's Las Vegas family was in town; then Catherine & I went again with her cousins and aunt)

Sadly, there was no big family road trip this summer.  But maybe we can do some little trips on the weekends.  I know things will be different with Catherine now having her own school schedule to consider, so we'll just have to be diligent to use the time we have!

Have you ever noticed how it seems cell phones have about a two year shelf life?  Ya know - the same length as most cell phone contracts.  I've noticed this a number of times when I was suddenly having cell phone issues.  Go in to the store, and guess what - I'm eligible for an upgrade - what perfect timing!

So, here's the strange thing:  my current cell phone has been with me longer than my 3 1/2 year old daughter!  I got it in December of 2010.  Over FOUR AND A HALF YEARS!


Oh, it's far from perfect!  In fact there have always been a number of very weird oddities about it, for example, freezing up or not turning off (seriously, I've had to remove the battery countless times just to get it to turn off at times).  But this sucker has been dropped (hard!) also countless times - and survived!

I've fought getting a smart phone for a long time.  I have a super sweet cell phone deal for non smart phones.  Like anytime my account gets looked up, the employee usually responds with, "Oh, wow, you got the XYZ plan!  No wonder you don't want to switch!"  But a few months ago I got word that I can still keep that awesome plan and just do an upgrade to a smart phone for an additional charge.

Our culture is becoming increasingly one that is geared for smart phones.  Without one, I'm missing out on coupons and discounts.  I'm often pestering Josh to look something up on his smart phone for me when we're out.  With it I'm able to access business phone numbers and hours, directions.  And probably the biggest plus for me personally is the high quality of the camera.  I LOVE to take pictures.  When we were on our Super Summer Family Road Trip last year I noticed his phone was taking better pictures than my camera.

So, I have decided that whenever this phone dies I will (gasp!) upgrade to a smart phone.

Now, how long til this Samsung Restore actually stops working for good??  You think it can last a full FIVE years?!?  We'll see!!

My first phone that slides open for easy texting!

I had been doing really well.



I had managed to detach myself from about 90% of Catherine's outgrown clothes sizes newborn through 3T.

We had 1.5 days of yard sales.

But sold very little of her clothing.

We found another bin.  "3-6 months" it was labeled.

Planning Round 2 of the yard sale, I started digging through it tonight.

Pricing.
Sorting.
Matching.
Tagging.

And suddenly I came across her "Miracle Swaddle".

And the tears just flooded out.

The hope has run out.

The ache has overwhelmed me tonight.

A week ago I was fine.  I was "in the zone".

I could - and did - rationally and unemotionally explain why it's best to get rid of all these items.  How maybe someday we can "parent" in non-traditional ways.  How if, by some slim chance, another child joins our family he or she may be older.  How the basic necessities are really quite minimal.  How we can borrow things if needed.  How it's freeing to allow ourselves to let go of these material items that hold us back and keep us in a waiting pattern.

A week ago my words prevailed.

But tonight the raw emotion wins.

Just for fun, some random things about me.  Maybe some you know, maybe some you don't.

1.  My favorite time is 12:34.
2.  My least favorite time is 12:35.
3.  I was born at 12:35 AM.
4. I think 4 is the ideal amount of children to have.
5. I can barely handle having 1 child.
6.  I'm not good with numbers.
7.  I don't like going a day without coffee.
8.  My husband and I went on two honeymoons.
9.  My husband and I had a science class together in college but didn't actually meet until years later via eharmony.  Crazy, huh?!
10.  I love Oriental food and grew up eating with chopsticks.
11. As a child, we had two different Asian students live with our family for awhile.
12.  One summer during college, I worked with foreign exchange students from China.
13.  I did 3 months of student teaching in Okinawa, Japan at the same school where my dad taught many years prior.
14.  I've never been stung by a bee.
15.  I've never been on a roller coaster.
16.  My memory is so bad I can usually watch a movie two or three times and still be surprised by the ending.
17.  Shakespeare makes me fall asleep.
18.  I wake up with a headache if I sleep in too much.
19.  I have a degree in Elementary Education.
20.  I rarely watch TV.
21.  I don't like mushrooms - taste OR texture!
22.  I wear makeup only a couple times a year.
23.  I can name all the Presidents in order.
24.  I have a collection of cookbooks but rarely cook.
25.  I'm 36 (I think - see #6 above), and I still don't know what to do with my life.