Let's get one thing clear:

Just because I wrote one post about trying to be content with being a family of three doesn't mean I am.

It's a struggle.

An ongoing struggle.

With no easy answers.

My double edged sword is this:  I want more children, but I'm terrified of being pregnant again.

Looks like I'll be adding the "Keepin' It Real" label to this post too.  I've had a lot of those lately.

People offer suggestions or solutions, but there are no easy answers.

We are all going through personal battles that may look simple or petty to someone else.

I can easily think of friends who have lived through tragic chapters in their life:

infertility
miscarriage
loss of babies
loss of a husband. . .

There are no easy answers.  I'm not going to try to come up with any.  I will grieve with my friends.  I will be with my friends - in person or in spirit.  And I will pray for my friends.  Pray for God's comfort to be in their midst.  For His presence to be felt.  For faith to remain steadfast.

This post wasn't originally going to be about others' struggles, but I just felt the need to acknowledge them.

My current struggle:

What to do with baby stuff.

It hurts deep in my heart.


We are going through a time of purging, which in our case is always good to embrace.  I have hoarding tendencies and a bit of an obsession to keep things, "just in case."  Heaven forbid if I got rid of something only to need it again a few months (or years) later!  At least that's how I think about it.

The reminders are everywhere:

Baby toys.
Baby shoes.
Baby clothes.
Baby car seat.
Baby blankets.
Baby socks.

And as we go through things, it's obvious these things have no place in our home currently.

But what do we do with them?

 Do we buy more storage bins, box 'em up and move 'em to the attic?  At some point, a line has to be drawn.  Even the attic has its limits.

Is there any point to keeping them?

It's hard for me to write the other option:

Do we get rid of them?

Getting rid of Catherine's old baby things means one thing:

Acceptance that this is it.
This is our family.
A family of three.
No more babies.
No younger sibling for Catherine.
No matching white twin beds for her and a sister.
No "Big Sister" shirt.
No baby announcement.
No more growth to our family.
Catherine will never know what it's like to have a sibling.
No nieces or nephews.
No Aunt Catherine.
It's the end of our family.


I realize no matter what we do, God can do anything.  But to get rid of it all means to let go of our plans, our hopes, our dreams.  And that is just plain hard.

It hurts.

And that's my current struggle.