The other night part of me felt like blogging something, and part of me felt like just browsing Pinterest.  So, I combined them both into this:

Random thoughts while scrolling through Pinterest...

oh dear, step by step directions on how to make heart shaped pancakes; yes, it's that time again!

why do recipes keep showing up in my pinterest feed??  grrr, just give me home decor!

seriously, why do i have to keep unfollowing the same boards again and again?!

"how to clean your whole house in one hour" - they haven't seen MY house!

mmmm, brie.  i have a love affair with brie.  (that's a cheese, folks; just in case i needed to clarify)

"lipstick art"???

i wish i knew what i wanted to create (and, no, it isn't lipstick art!)

homemade ketchup??  for when you clearly have too much free time

i heart free printables.  not that i ever actually print any of them...

white kitchen LOVE!!

fashion schmashion

you can freeze eggs???

oh, i'm supposed to clean my car vents??

baby sleep tips - don't need those anymore

my chalkboard writings never look that pretty!

homemade heart shaped marshmallows.   ay, yi, yi.

really?  there's a formula for how to decorate or design a room?!

yes, lemon and blueberries - i was just telling catherine how much i love this combo!

wood paneled shower??  not sure about that one...

yes, this is what i have been wanting in between our kitchen and laundry room!!

how to declutter your day - just what i need!

one word:  shiplap!

Feeling giddy and full of love and happiness at this moment.  Even though we are a household of sickies - coughs and colds, we have much to be thankful for.

So glad for our extended family nearby.

For extended in-laws who invite us into their family and into their home.  To share their food and their family traditions.

For singing and Christmas caroling.

For Christmas lights and Christmas trees.  Ornaments that Catherine helped put on the tree this year.

For this angel of ours who got to participate in her first Christmas pageant:


For generosity and unexpected gifts in the mail.

For Christmas cards - the ones we send and the ones we receive.  Even the ones where we don't even know the sender.  Ha!

For Christmas Break and times of rest and extra sleep.

For coffee, tea, hot chocolate, and other beverages to keep us warm and toasty.

For unexpected warmer temps and even a bit of sunshine this week.

For celebrating the holiday three days in a row with three sets of family.

For the kick I get when people ask Catherine if Santa is bringing her lots of presents, and she has no idea what they're talking about.  Santa WHO??

For fun, family Christmas movies we can watch together - Charlie Brown and White Christmas this year.

For almost escaping the holiday season without hearing "Christmas Shoes" - so close!!

For anticipating a trip to IKEA and goodies to bring home to make our house homier.

This makes me happy.

Let's get one thing clear:

Just because I wrote one post about trying to be content with being a family of three doesn't mean I am.

It's a struggle.

An ongoing struggle.

With no easy answers.

My double edged sword is this:  I want more children, but I'm terrified of being pregnant again.

Looks like I'll be adding the "Keepin' It Real" label to this post too.  I've had a lot of those lately.

People offer suggestions or solutions, but there are no easy answers.

We are all going through personal battles that may look simple or petty to someone else.

I can easily think of friends who have lived through tragic chapters in their life:

infertility
miscarriage
loss of babies
loss of a husband. . .

There are no easy answers.  I'm not going to try to come up with any.  I will grieve with my friends.  I will be with my friends - in person or in spirit.  And I will pray for my friends.  Pray for God's comfort to be in their midst.  For His presence to be felt.  For faith to remain steadfast.

This post wasn't originally going to be about others' struggles, but I just felt the need to acknowledge them.

My current struggle:

What to do with baby stuff.

It hurts deep in my heart.


We are going through a time of purging, which in our case is always good to embrace.  I have hoarding tendencies and a bit of an obsession to keep things, "just in case."  Heaven forbid if I got rid of something only to need it again a few months (or years) later!  At least that's how I think about it.

The reminders are everywhere:

Baby toys.
Baby shoes.
Baby clothes.
Baby car seat.
Baby blankets.
Baby socks.

And as we go through things, it's obvious these things have no place in our home currently.

But what do we do with them?

 Do we buy more storage bins, box 'em up and move 'em to the attic?  At some point, a line has to be drawn.  Even the attic has its limits.

Is there any point to keeping them?

It's hard for me to write the other option:

Do we get rid of them?

Getting rid of Catherine's old baby things means one thing:

Acceptance that this is it.
This is our family.
A family of three.
No more babies.
No younger sibling for Catherine.
No matching white twin beds for her and a sister.
No "Big Sister" shirt.
No baby announcement.
No more growth to our family.
Catherine will never know what it's like to have a sibling.
No nieces or nephews.
No Aunt Catherine.
It's the end of our family.


I realize no matter what we do, God can do anything.  But to get rid of it all means to let go of our plans, our hopes, our dreams.  And that is just plain hard.

It hurts.

And that's my current struggle.

I promised myself (and hubby) I'd go to bed early-ish tonight, but darnit, I am a night owl!  No wonder I'm Very Sleepy Girl.

As a follow-up to my last post, and something a little more light-hearted, here are some fun pics from our family photo session this past weekend:

Yes, we will bribe our daughter to behave during photo shoots.

I see a tummy!

Hair check!

Catherine did a great job, and it was a treat for her to hang out with our friend's dog too.

I spent hours last night creating the Family Photo Christmas Card Montage, and I am pleased with the end result.  Now I just have to wait for the order to arrive at our front door!

Isn't there some great quote about good intentions and plans?

Well, life doesn't always go as planned.

I'm sure we've all learned that by now.
In one way or another.

I shared about it before, but it was never our plan that Catherine would be our only child.


I don't want to offend or hurt others with sensitive topics, but at the same time, I want to write my thoughts.  So, if you are sensitive to the subjects of having children, only children, conceiving, pregnancy, or infertility and don't want to read or think about such things, feel free to skip this post.

I've started writing this post a few times in my head but never actually on the laptop.

Or the blog.
Where others can see it.

But I'm all about keeping it real lately.  I am encouraged when others do, so maybe my risk of vulnerability will be in some small way an encouragement to someone who needs it.

For the last few years I've created a grand Christmas card/letter/photo montage.

Yes, even when I was single.

I know the idea of doing such a thing is sometimes mocked, but I think it's great.  I'm always happy to get something like that from others in the mail and to keep up with friends from far away.  I also enjoy documenting a review of the year - maybe since my memory is so bad!

There may have been one year in there right after Catherine was born where it didn't happen because it was just too crazy of a time adjusting to life with a newborn, but I'm not sure (See:  I told you I had a bad memory).

For the last two years we've hired a photographer to take Family Photos for the purpose of including them in the annual Christmas card/letter/photo montage.

2012

2013

This year, however, I've just kept putting it off and putting it off and finding one excuse after another and finally having to accept the fact that Family Photos just might not happen this year.

And do you know why I haven't been so eager to make it happen?

Because this isn't the family I thought I would have this year.

Whoa.  I just wrote that.

Please please don't hear me saying that I'm not grateful for the family I have.  I am incredibly grateful for this family that God has put together.


But when I think about poses and I compare our family to other Family Pictures (it's quite hard to find families of three where the child isn't a baby), and then I find the families with a multitude of children. . .

It feels as if there should be another member to our family.

Oh man, this sounds ridiculous when I put it out there.  I know we have been blessed with our child, and I know there are those who would be happy with "just" one.  I am happy.

But it's been a process.  An adjustment.  And a letting go of my desires and my expectations (there's that word again) and my wants and the comparisons of others.

(Go ahead.  Insert the Frozen theme song here.)

And I guess I'm learning to do that.  To let go.

Because guess what:

It looks like we're actually getting Family Pictures taken this weekend.  Pray for me.  Pray for us.  Heck, pray for our photographer as he has to deal with us!

So, that's step one.

Step two will be actually choosing a photo to represent our family.

Step three will be ordering the photo cards and sharing them with our friends and family across the states.

And saying:  This is our family.  Our family of three.  That I am so blessed to have.  And so grateful for.  And I'm not going to love them any less if we are not blessed with more.

May I have that contentment.  May I have that peace.  May I have that joy.

Because this is so true:  "Comparison is the thief of joy."  - Theodore Roosevelt

I want to celebrate the crazy, silly family that we are.  Even if it doesn't look how we thought it would.  It it truly something to be thankful for!

Once upon a time there was a man who I thought I was going to marry.

I'll go ahead and ruin the ending for you:  I didn't.

There were painful and multiple breakups that led me down a path of great depression and loneliness.

An emptiness that only God could fill.

My battle cry during that period was that God was with me even if I couldn't feel His presence.  It was a daily reminder.

Time passed.  My heart healed.  And God brought someone else into my life who did indeed become my husband, for which I am so grateful.

But for a moment, let's go back to that former suitor.

One of the "red flag" warning signs for me that he was not my Mr. Right was seen every single time we went to church together:  He refused to sing.

The time of our church service where we gather to worship and sing praise to God together was often the most meaningful time of the service for me.  And then I would look over at him and see him standing there, just observing, and not participating.

But I'm not going to dwell on the negative.  Or the past.

So fast forward a few years to this point in time.

The man that God brought to me is a music teacher.  And he regularly serves on the Worship Team at our church.  Those are the people who sing on stage as a guide and model to others.

He sings.
He likes to sings.
He loves to sing.

Tomorrow, for the second time, he is filling in for our regular Worship Leader and leading the entire congregation in singing.


 This irony is not lost on me.

I'm glad I waited and did not settle for what was not God's best for me.

God is the giver of all good things, and I am rich from His blessings.  Thank you, God.

I went to a really awesome Women's Retreat last week.  And it's got me thinking a lot about the expectations of being a "good mom" or a "perfect wife" or a "Proverbs 31 woman".

• own a big house
• invite people over often
• clean that big house
• make meals
• make healthy meals
• organic, gluten free, GMO free meals
• no fast food
• meal plan
• make freezer meals
• make meals for others
• bake coookies
• keep a full cookie jar
• have clear kitchen counters
• have granite countertops
• serve in the church
• nursery duty Sunday
• nursery duty Wednesday
• attend Bible study
• host Bible study
• attend small group
• host small group
• have daily devotions
• have daily family devotions
• have daily devotions with husband
• have a happy marriage
• have lots of sex
• have lots of children
• sacrificially give up sleep
• sew
• own a minivan
• drive other people's kids around
• take the neighborhood to church
• take the church to the neighborhood
• serve the less fortunate
• make memories for child(ren)
• have craft time with child
• give up coffee
• go to bed early
• get up early
• exercise
• daily laundry
• mop
• wear an apron
• wear makeup
• wear heels
• have nice matching furniture that isn't second-hand or stained
• have a queen or king sized bed
• . . .

It keeps going and going.
It's enough to make me crumble.
And weep.
And give up.

Because [clearly] I can't do it all.

The question I keep coming back to is "Where do these expectations come from?"

God never called me to be Super Woman.  He's the One I say I live for and care about.  Then why am I stressing about doing all these other things that He's never called me to do?

One point our speaker made at the retreat is that God's not calling me to do, do, do.  He's calling me to be.

To be His daughter.  To be in His presence.

Look at the Bible passage about Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42.
Oh, this story has always made me squirm.

Because, like Martha, I'm a doer.  I think of all the work that needs to be done.  And I try to do it.  And then I get ticked off when others aren't doing their fair share.

In this passage, Martha is feeling the same way.  And Jesus totally calls her out on it, and says she can stop trying to do it all.  He never asked her to do it all.  In fact He doesn't want her to do it all.  He wants her to just be.  To sit at His feet and to be with Him.

Oh, Lord, can I do that?  Is it possible to overlook the messy house and the overflowing baskets of laundry and the over-scheduled calendar to focus on what You have truly called me to do??



My friend Lisa-Jo just wrote about NOT Doing It All.  Her honesty was much appreciated and needed.  The part that impacted me the most was kind of some behind-the-scenes information.  The "story behind the photo" if you will.

A couple days prior she had posted a photo of her sweet kiddos all lined up in a row, sitting nicely on the couch, all happy and well fed with bowls of food in their laps.  It was cute.  Of course.


Then I found out the story behind the photo:  Lisa-Jo had just gotten home from traveling out of town for a few days to a conference where she was a speaker.  Though she was delighted to be home and with her kids again, she was also exhausted.  She got Chinese take-out, put it in bowls, lined them up on the couch with dinner and Netflix while she napped.

Can I get a "Hallelujah" for a nap?
Can I get a "Hallelujah" for such honesty?
Can I get a "Hallelujah" for takeout and tv for those moments when we just can't do it all and we need to be real and ok with that?

Another friend's husband recently posted "Judging by my facebook feed, if you haven't taken your kids to an apple orchard or a pumpkin patch yet this fall, you're a horrible parent."  Though obviously tongue-in-cheek, it puts into explicit words what we may be feeling tinges of when we compare our lives to those showing up in our newsfeed.

I can't allow others' snippets of life and snapshots momentarily on display to decide the expectations of my day-to-day reality.

Lord, help me to know what YOU expect of me.  May I strive for only the things that bring glory to you.