I just can't even.

Tonight I told Josh, "It feels like I'm drowning."

I don't know what it is.

Tonight's post will just be a jumpled up mess.

Oops, is that supposed to be jumbled?

Overwhelmed.

Sinking.

I say, "My plate is full."

Ha, it's overflowing.  Things are falling off my plate and making a big mess.

Decluttering isn't just about material objects in my home.  It's more than knick-knacks collecting dust, or toys and clothes that have been outgrown.  It's just as much as it is about decluttering my schedule.  Decluttering my commitments.  Decluttering my mind.

You probably saw this meltdown coming.  Way back in September, right?

I have way too many commitments.  Too many areas of involvement.  Too many things on my To Do list.  It's not possible for me to get them done.  So then they're constantly on my mind and nagging at me and hovering over me and weighing me down!

And then new ideas and new pursuits and new passions are growing inside of me.  But how on earth can I try to seek them out when my life is so stinking full already?!?

I quit.

I just have to figure out what exactly I'm quitting.  What I'm letting go of.  What I'll be releasing.

And how.  And when.

Awhile ago I did these lists of "Things I Like Right Now".  I thought I'd post another.

• home decor
• "You're a Good, Good Father"
• re-thinking home decor
• peace
• baskets/containers
• re-arranging things from room to room
• crazy artwork
• rest
• space
• date night
• getting stuff out of our house
• Zillow
• pad thai
• watching football with Catherine
• small town Wakarusa, IN
• getting deals at yard sales
• Ben's soft pretzels
• the quote "not my monkey, not my circus"
• snuggling up with a soft, cozy blanket
• being encouraged, affirmed, and built-up
• encouraging other women
• "No Longer Slaves"
• finding my adventure
• a second cup of coffee
• deepening friendships

I was giddy when I realized today's date in my calendar/agenda book was blank.

I had thought about doing certain things today since I had the time and availability, but then I remembered I don't need to be the one to step up and come to the rescue.

As my mom recently started saying, "It's not my monkey, and it's not my circus."

Bam!

So, instead I enjoyed my day off.

Catherine & I slept in, lounged around, read, played, enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company, and one of us even enjoyed an iced coffee.

I didn't check my email.  I didn't check my facebook.

I know full well that there are many things there to deal with, but I decided it could wait til evening.

It was an awesome liberating feeling.

Instead I got to enjoy a few chapters from this lovely inspiration, picked up from yesterday's library visit.


And I even planned dinner, albeit leftovers.

And now as Josh & Catherine are at their Wednesday night church, I relax by writing to the sound of the ceiling fan spinning round and round.

I promised myself after the last post that the next post I would write would be called, "Fighting Fear."  But instead I'm inspired to write something else.

I just sat down and exhaled.

Truly exhaled.

For what felt like the first time today.

And it's almost 1:30 in the afternoon.

I am looking desperately for balance and not yet grasping it.

If I had a smart phone or knew how to take (and FIND) screen shots, I would insert a map that showed my travels for today.

The day started off early, which I never like.  I contemplated resetting the alarm clock and actually enjoying a couple more hours of sleep (especially since my child was at her grandparents'), but I made a commitment for this morning, so I kept it.

I headed west a couple cities over for a new Bible Study.   But I know I can't keep that up weekly.  That is my reality.  I AM MAXED.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  And really maybe I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

After Bible Study I had to hurry off for a Shop the House meet.  This is a local group that meets to sell or buy items.  Kind of like a local craigslist.  We have been pursuing purging in our household, so this time instead of buying I'm actually selling.

Then I had to hurry to my folks' house, scarf down lunch/brunch (not that I had eaten breakfast), hurry Catherine along, and rush out for the next time constraint.

Preschool.

But before that, another new commitment:  picking up a classmate of hers.  So, I had to drive a new route, so focused on the newness of it all that I almost didn't see a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes.  That is so not me, by the way!

Then find the classmate's babysitter's house, figure out his car seat, and get them to pre-school.

Then we had to wait, since there's just a 5 minute window for preschool drop-off (unless you're one of the parents who ignore that rule and just show up, drop off, and leave whenever you darn well like).

After both kids were in the seats, and the classmate's car seat was out of my van, I came to the local library to hang out.

Because now I try to basically kill time for two afternoons a week.

So, I found the local library, found a table, sat down, and exhaled.

Hallelujah!

I don't know.  Are you getting any sense as to why I've been experiencing anxiety lately?

Last week I couldn't even relax during the preschool wait time because I was too stressed about having to stay aware of how much time I had left, what time I had to leave, what route I had to take, etc. etc.

This has to end!  Somehow.  Lord, help me.

(And I haven't even mentioned today's evening activities...)

Sometimes balance is hard.

That's the season I'm in right now.

Man, life is busy.

And that from a person who really strives to say no to things.

I'm really happy to be doing some things that I enjoy tremendously.  I'm now in charge of Women's Ministry at our church.  This still cracks me up.

I'm also on the planning team for my weekly mamas' group.


I also plan the Moms' Night Out events for that.

I'm entering my 2nd year serving on the team from our church that serves a local elementary school.  I somehow slipped into the role of interim leader...  I'm trying to get out of that, but it's taking awhile since there is no other interim leader.  I'd be happiest just getting to do my little things to encourage the teachers.  Last year we I did handwritten notes of encouragement and Bible verses to all the staff.  I put together little cups of flavored hot cocoa for them.

Go ahead - click on the pic to read the cheesy note!

I obtained gift cards for the staff for a local pretzel shop and a local coffee house.  We also did little treats and notes around Thanksgiving, as well as cards for Christmas and Easter.  And then there was the ice cream party I organized for the whole school of 500.

Trunk full of ice cream

The more involved I am, the more I realize what I truly enjoy doing and the more I try to embrace those things.  I am an encourager.  I am a planner.  I create cute things and cute events.  I write.  I blog.  I mother.

And with mothering a now pre-schooler, there comes a whole new set of responsibilities to manage.  Paying monthly tuition (gulp!), keeping track of special days, parties, assignments (show and tell of an object starting with the first letter of your name, for example), in addition to remembering to pick her up on time (I'm gonna have to set an alarm on my phone).

So, things feel a little full right now.

We're taking a break from gymnastics.  This makes me sad, but I also know we need some sanity around here.

Josh and Catherine are attending Wednesday night church, while I'm taking a break and trying to use that time to work on some of the above ministry tasks.

Josh wanted us to attend a new Sunday School class, but I had to say, "My plate is full.  You can attend it without me if you'd like."

I'm trying to find more crock-pot recipes to help with the busyness of it all.  Tonight's meal is bourbon chicken over rice (Note to self:  make sure we have enough rice!).  When I pinned and suggested it, I assumed Josh would be making it.  So when I was putting it all together this morning, I had to text Josh with about half a dozen questions. I'm so grateful my husband is one who does a ton around the house and doesn't complain when I don't!

Sometimes I just have to force myself to say, "Ok, task #14 didn't get done today.  I can't do everything.  I have to be ok with that.  Tomorrow is a new day.  We'll work on task #14 tomorrow.  I'll enlist the help of a grandparent or two to entertain Catherine while I can accomplish some things."

It helps when I feel less stressed and more organized.  There is peace that comes with being prepared.  So, since that was yesterday when task #14 didn't get done, I'd better go do it now!

Currently reading...

• articles on how to survive a road trip with back pain

Currently eating...

• Smoked sausage roll from Rise 'n Roll

Currently drinking...

• Kiwi Strawberry Snapple - old school!

Currently missing...

•  Auntie Barb & Cousin Monique

Currently watching...

• nothing on tv, but we did just receive a mammoth antennae that will allow us to actually get local channels

Currently rearranging...

• kitchen, front room, and living room - mentally

Currently stressing...

• planning packing for the road trip

Currently baking...

• nothing; four very ripe bananas ended up in the freezer after I talked about making banana bread for days

Currently lamenting...

• the extremely short lifespan of our kiddie pool

Currently enjoying...

• www.thesaurus.com

Currently harvesting...

• spinach, lettuce, strawberries, raspberries, basil

 Currently attempting...

• to figure out multiple annoying technological problems affecting me simultaneously (computer won't charge; phone won't send pictures to email or facebook)

Currently anticipating...

• being with Roomie Sarah

 Currently singing...

• How Can I Keep From Singing

Currently dreaming...

• about space (not of the outer variety) and working at my former job (recurring dream)

Currently creating...

• margin